Special Agent Oso Is Not So Special
Ever had a show that even as a kid you never liked? Well I did, and that show was none other than Special Agent Oso
For those you who don't know what SAO is, I shall give you a brief summary. It's about a yellow bear named Special Agent Oso who helps out kids who have trouble with very simple things like brushing their teeth, making a salad, etc. He completes these tasks through the help of three special steps assigned to him by Paw Pilot an ugly little thing which appears on a small device.
Also each episode starts out with Oso going about a task of his own, and he is unable to complete it, and then we see a kid having difficulty with some kind of activity which causes.... and I'm not even joking here a ladybug robot to send information to a satellite into the sky which then transmits the information back to Oso's special agent headquarters. That makes no sense does it?
Then Oso's boss Mr Dose orders him to do the task or else he's fired, and Paw Pilot does the three special step song.
Sorry about that long tangent, anyways I don't really know why I never liked it, maybe it was the fact that it didn't make sense, or the fact that all the characters are Patrick Star levels of stupid. Heck I think that even Patrick is smarter than some of these guys.
It could also have been the fact that Oso was also one of the worst animated characters in history even worse than Mickey Mouse and Winnie The Pooh. He sounds like a dying cat getting it's leg cut off by a man named Jim. Yeah that's how bad it is!
My hatred for the show is known by everyone including my wife who has great big breasts, and she hates me as well as my kid who looks like a mop. Whatever. I have made countless posts on Reddit talking about how my hatred for it, and one day a strange guy under the name of Mr Dose emailed me with a link to an episode of Special Agent Oso.
The email went like this.
Mr Dose: Hi I heard you don't like Special Agent Oso. Maybe this will help change your mind sweetheart https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jz40salowcc
Me: What the heck is this? I don't want to watch no episode of that dumb show! You stupid toe rag!
Mr Dose: Look just trust me this episode will change your view on the show, and your view on life as a whole.
Me: Really? Okay I'll definitely look into it.
Mr Dose: You had better or else.
Me: Why?
He never responded back. Right off the bat, I could tell this that this was obviously some sort of super fan given the username. I decided against my better judgement that I would click the link, and see what this episode was, and why that guy was so persistent in wanting me to see it. However, I had a weird feeling of dread in my stomach. I shook it off however, and clicked the link.
It took me to a blank white page with a small video in the centre. I put the video on widescreen, and clicked the play button.
It started with a black screen with white letters reading, 'for you Martin Green.' 'How did this thing know my name?' I thought to myself.
Anyways, after that the intro of Special Agent Oso began to play. However there were some differences. For starters, Oso was a lot fatter than normal, and his fur was brown instead of yellow. Also, in the scene, where he is shown climbing up a mountain, the rope he was using snaps, and he falls off. Secondly, all the kids weren't kids at all, they were all middle aged adults. "Um okay...." I said to myself. Then when the Special Agent Oso logo appeared on screen, Oso came on like normal, and caused all the letters to fall on the floor. Likely because of his weight.
The title of the episode then appeared, and it read "Oso Is Not Special." However, unlike other episodes of the show, Paw Pilot didn't read the name of the episode.
It started with Oso standing outside some farm with Wolfie standing next to him. "Right Oso are you ready for your task? Wolfie asked whose fur was now red instead of blue like normal. "Sure am Wolfie!" Oso said happily. Only he didn't sound anything like Oso, instead he sounded like Clancy Brown. "All you have to is milk all these cows." Wolfie explained while pointing at some cows. "Why?" Oso asked. "I don't know Oso just do it." Wolfie said while walking off to have a phone call with Mr Dose. "Bloody cockmuncher." Oso muttered as Wolfie left the scene. I spat out my water, and ate my toenails. What the heck? Did Oso just swear? That's awesome!
The episode then like any other episode transitioned to show an outside view of someone's house to showcase the central conflict of the episode. It showed some random guy who looked like Clancy Brown milking a cow he had in his living room for some reason. "I can't do this!" He cried as he began sucking his thumb. Then the ladybug bot appeared, and transmitted the information back to the satellite like usual. The satellite then transmitted the signals back to Earth.
Back with Oso who was busy trying to milk the cows only to find out he couldn't do it for some reason. I don't even know why he couldn't do it to be honest. Oso then looked at the screen, and said, "what the hell are you laughing about you fucking asshole?" Then the special alert sound occurred, as Oso looked at his watch which displayed Mr Dose. Mr Dose began speaking with, "Oso this dumb shit named Glancy Drown can't milk a cow. You have to help him do it before the big farmer's market in ten minutes." "But I can't even milk a cow Mr Dose." Oso said. "Shut up Oso, and get to it!" Mr Dose yelled
Then the dreaded three special steps song occurred but Paw Pilot looked like my uncle Phil, and her face took up the whole screen. The three special steps weren't shown, as Paw Pilot's song was cut off before she could finish possibly due to bad signal. "But how am I supposed to.... oh whatever." Oso said as he teleported to the house from earlier.
Oso walked in through the front door, and began speaking to Glancy. "Who the heck are you?" Glancy asked. "I'm Special Agent Oso, and I'm here to help you milk this cow before the farmer's market." Oso explained with an air of smugness in his voice. "Well okay then show me." Glancy said moving out of the way so Oso could see the cow which looked it had been hit by a truck.
"Okay here goes nothing." Oso said as he began attempting to milk the cow, but it went terribly, and he ended up pulling on the utters so tight that they came off. The cow began losing it, and began running around the house smashing into things. It then charged into Glancy, and proceeded to trample him to death. Oso went over to Glancy's mangled corpse, and said, "oh bugger."
He looked out the living room window, and saw the cow running around the streets killing people, and eating them. It was kind of cool actually. Yeah I'm a sick guy. Got a problem with that? "My work here is done." Oso said as he teleported back to the farm from earlier.
However. when he got there, an angry Wolfie was there to greet him. "Oso you stupid fuck!" Wolfie yelled at the top of his lungs. "What's the matter Wolfie?" Oso asked confused. "This!" Wolfie said as he pulled out a phone which showed a YouTube video of the cow attacking people in the street. "We know it was you!" Wolfie yelled angrily, as Mr Dose and Paw Pilot then came in.
Once again, Paw Pilot looked nothing like herself instead she looked like my uncle Phil. Mr Dose meanwhile whose face had never been shown on the show before looked like James Earl Jones. They were shown in life action as well for some odd reason. "Uh, can I have a lawyer?" Oso asked as the screen cut to black.
The episode then came back to show Oso being thrown out of the Special Agent Headquarters, and then getting brutally beaten by Mr Dose and Wolfie. Even Paw Pilot joined in on the beating. "I never liked you Oso." Wolfie said, as he punched Oso in the stomach. "Clearly" I said to myself which caused Wolfie to glare at the screen. He then went back inside the builiding along with Mr Dose and Paw Pilot.
Oso in a sad tone walked through the streets with his head looking down towards the floor. He then picked up a small card which was lying on the floor. He looked at the card, and his eyes turned into money signs. It was a cheque for one million dollars. "I've got the money!" Oso cried, as he began dancing in the busy streets. "I can show those assholes at Headquarters just what I can do!" Oso sang. However, his happiness was cut short, as a massive double decker bus came by, and ran him over killing him instantly.
It then showed the bus driver who was Freddy Kruger, and he said, "no dancing in the street when the bus is in motion!" He then did his typical laugh, as the screen cut to black, and the credits began to play like normal.
I don't even know how to describe my feelings about the episode. It was good but kind of smelly to be honest. I decided I wanted some answers so I decided to email the guy from earlier about it.
It went as follows:
Me: So I saw your episode.
Mr Dose: Well what did ya think?
Me: Can you explain how and why on Earth you made it?
Mr Dose: I didn't make it.
Me: Then who did?
Mr Dose: Who do you think? Disney Junior idiot! They made it as the series finale of Special Agent Oso. but cancelled it before it was shown on television.
Me: Then how do you have it?
Mr Dose: Let's just say that me and the executives at Disney Junior go way back. Now tell me did you like the episode?
Me: I don't know.
Mr Dose: Tell me now or else.......
Me: Or else what?
Mr Dose: Or else I'll have to do something I really don't want to do.
Me: It was okay I guess.
Mr Dose: Excellent.
The email then ended, as my laptop turned off by itself. 'Must be having a problem.' I thought as I got myself ready for bed.
I got into my bed only to turn around to see Freddy Kruger lying next to me. "Found you." He said, as he climbed on top of me, and began slashing me in half with his claws. The last thing I heard him say was, "nice hearing from ya Martin!" Before I blacked out completely.
However, I didn't die, I instead woke up in the hospital perfectly fine. I still don't know who that guy was or why Freddy Kruger appeared in my bedroom, but rest assure dear readers I will find out. However, as I finish writing my tale down, I've noticed my nurse looks a lot like my Uncle Phil.... and that doctor oh God it's him isn't it? It's Mr Dose! "Hello dear. DId you miss me?" He asked. "So you're the real Mr Dose?" I asked. "Yes." He answered bluntly.
Then Freddy came in with sunglasses on, as Paw Pilot pulled out a large needle the size of the double decker bus from the episode. "This'll only hurt for a second." Mr Dose said as he and the others began laughing evilly, and the needle plunged it's way into my neck.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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