TO INSULT A CABBAGE
I was walking toward the museum of fecal matter, when I realized that the amount of miles it would take for a one-legged frog to fly to New Mexico was, and this is going to blow your mind, TACO BELL! You NEVER would have guessed! The instant I finished the thought, I was terrified. Terrified that the McDonaled purple pancakes from the land of Scrimplelittlescrumptios would sense the presence of that thought, and drop their Ballistic cabbages in the land of Double-Decked Wangle, sparking war in the small intestine of Hubert J. Farnsworth. I started to fart as quickly as I can to teleport to the peaceful land of North Korea, but it was too late. A hashtagger from the of Twitterus land teleported behind me to finish me off! #USuck! #OMG #GovernmentPaidAssasin #Assasin #Paid #PaidAssasin #Die #Perish #Hashtag #MustGetTheJobDone #Stupid! He continued to fire more hashtags at me, each one more stupid then the one before. I was dying, dying a painful, annoying, and stupid death of #DeathByHashtag. When it came to the moment when the pain was so much that I closed my eyes and waited to die, I was saved! Saved by Kim-John-Uhn, the nicest man in the world! I watched as he took out a nuke, dropped it on the Hashtagger, and saw the mother f*cker explode. "I owed you a debt. I just paid it." "Thanks! You saved my life!" "Now, I must explode to the land of America, I want to bomb them." "Bye!" I watched as he exploded to the land of America, and I started to fart to another weird place, where reality is insane. I jumped into a warp pipe, and found myself, IN A CABBAGE FIELD! ALL of them were armed with keep left signs! I reached my pocket for Riptide, but then I realized that it might transform into a rolled-up saffron wallpaper! And I have a lot of bias against that stuff! I was doomed! The cabbages would steal my leather shoes, my TRUE source of power, and force me to work in the cabbage mines! I then thought, sometimes you have to take a risk, and I uncapped Riptide, IT WOKED! It transformed into a fully loaded SMG! I put the bad baby in my hands, kept my finger pressed on the trigger, and blasted the cabbages to kingdom come! I was too busy to realize a purple pancake in the crowd! PURPLE PANCAKES ARE IMPERVIOS TO ALL DELI FOODS! SMG'S ARE DELI FOOD!!! The purple pancake farted on me with such force, that I passed out instantly. I woke up in a dungeon, I was covered with titanium, melted on me with a mold! My head was the only thing not immobilized by titanium, probably so they could feed me and interrogate information about the Shapoopi society, their biggest enemy, which I was part of! I started to scream, scream the scream of a boy who is imprisoned for 3 hours. I started crying, CRYING!!! Then, I realized what I needed to do in order to get out of here, but I had to wait for a prison guard to drop an eye of ender. One of the prison guards came up to me, took of the titanium restraint, and said that the king has decided for you to have your trial now. He cuffed me, and took me to the courtroom. The king was the judge, which means that I'm probably doomed. People were talking for 5 mins, until he hit his hammer. "Order in the court! The kingdom of Scrimplelittlescrumptios brings today the trial of John Strider. We will start this trial with the testification of John. Your charges are being in the Shapoopi society, planning to take over my kingdom, and writing this psychotic story. What are your opinions on these charges?" "The first thing I will talk about is this plan of taking over your kingdom, is realizing that the amount of miles it would take for a one-legged frog to fly to New Mexico was Taco Bell a crime!? "Yes it is, in all 50 states." "I stand corrected." "I do confess that I am part of the Shapoopi society, but, The Rainbow Squid wrote this story, not me!" "Then, The Rainbow Squid, you are sentenced to execution at dawn!" Suddenly, a voice from above says: "What do you mean death at dawn! I created all of you! I can destroy you! I can say right now that you had a heart attack and died instantly, and it would happen! GOT IT!!!?" Yes." Said the king McDonalded Purple Pancake, sounding very afraid "GOOD! I need to go to Odin's pool party, so, goodbye!" "As I was saying, I want SOMEONE to be executed today, so John, I sentence you to be killed, now!" I watched as the king put on an eye patch and a black cloak " I'm the executioner, too" He threw me an eye of ender and said "I want you to be holding something cool in you last minute alive, so I gave you that." "YARRGH!!!" he started to run toward me, holding a sword. This was my chance! I unzipped my pants, peed off the blaze dust on the eye of ender, and it became an ender pearl again! I ran to the nearest crafting table, and made an ender chest using the ender pearl and 8 obsidian blocks. I put the ender chest on the ground, and jumped inside it before he could hit me with his sword. Inside the chest, I said magic words, and I was now inside the ender chest in my house. I WUZ HOME! I kissed the ground, but someone slapped me, I woke up, and...
my next adventure will not be in 1st person
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