That One Old Man

We found this tape on some decomposed corpses. The bodies appear to be in ample condition for a lasagna, but we couldn't find any other use for them. We found traces of semen in their bloodstream.

Here's how it goes:

"I'm sure we've all run into that one old man at some point in our lives. He's just always there. Like, always there. Holy shit, it's annoying as hell. He's ALWAYS THERE!

"Some find him at the local garage sale. Some find him in the dark alleyway. Some find him via eBay, Craigslist, Kijiji, or other untrustworthy sites where you buy shit. He's the creepy old man who always has shit to give away for free.

"Some report him to also work at their local Gamestop, giving them free video games.

"He gives away computers, books, TVs, phones, strange fetish items. Always for free. Sometimes, however, he charges you money for them. But that's only if the author is willing to try sounding original and failing horribly at it.

"I'm repeating myself over and over again. Now I sound like the old man.

"But that's not the point. I've arranged this meeting because all of you have something in common. We have all encountered this asshole more than once.

"So, why don't we break the ice?

(Rustling noises are heard and murmured speech is audible here and there)

"Good, so we all know each other's names?

(A woman's voice is heard)

"'I...guess...

(The Scheepybird's voice is heard again)

"'I guess' is not good enough. Let's play some games to get to know each other! I'm Scheepybird. Sexy Scheepybird. Now it's your turn, Jeffery.

"'Uh, I'm Jeffery. Jolly... Jeffery?

"Good! Now let's go on like this!

(The next forty minutes of the tape consists of people playing this stupid game)

"Now that we know each other, we can begin.

"I first met this guy three years ago at the local garage sale event. This creepy old man was sitting there with a pile of old video games, TV shows, movies, game consoles, and other things of more questionable nature that we will not state here because the last thing we want is an NSFW Trollpasta. Anyways, I approached him and asked for a Nintendurr Sixty Pour and some games. He smiled weirdly and said "it's free... but only on one condition..."

"Ten minutes later I had my tongue up his nose and licked his brain with intense passion till it got all covered in grey brain matter. The old man moaned with the added knowledge. He then fingered my left ankle viciously. He fingered it so hard that it popped and got dislocated. We continued activities of similar nature till the sun went down, when he finally slipped the Nintendurr Sixty Pour into my pants.

"'It's got a little extra... something I put in it...'

"I left with a huge bulge in my pants. As I walked away, the old man was waving frantically and doing backflips for no apparent reason.

"I went home and popped in the extra games he threw as an additional reward for my outstanding performance. It was a copy of Murrio Kurt Sicky Pore: Game of the Year Edition. I was so happy to play it when suddenly the title screen had hyper-realistic...

(Scheepybird continues on some shitty attempt at a Creepypasta story here for about half an hour)

(After telling this story, the others in the room tell very similar stories and exchange facts and notes regarding the old man for a really stupidly long time)

"Now that we've finished the first meeting, you may take a cum cookie and leave. We'll have another meeting next Friday."

(The tape ends here)

This tape certainly was interesting. I don't know what to make of it; I, too, have run into the old man twice before. My second encounter, I remember, started off with me in some dark alleyway and ended with the old man's foot up my arse. It hurt so much, but I did it for that free Dell Inspiration... oh yes...

Anyways, upon further investigation, I found another tape on one of the corpses. This appears to take place during the second meeting. Here's how it went:

"Oh goodie! You're all here again! Let's get right to it. I've devised a theory: this old man is Satan. He raeps you pretty hard and gives you free haunted shit. It's so simple!

(Another man's voice)

"'Or maybe he's just a weird rapist with lots of free time and junk on his hands?'

"Henry, get out! I will not tolerate any bullshit from you!

(A gunshot is heard, followed by several gasps and moans of pleasure)

"Now then. Let us continue..."

(The rest of the tape is the members of this hawt club exchanging personal information, and then discussing theories about the old man some more. These theories are far too shitty to even be worth consideration)

Well, this tape certainly was interesting. This sexy man, Scheepybird, seems to be really into the old man. What could this mean?

Well, I've devised a theory myself. The old man is a really good guy who just wants to help you. If you find him, you should be honored. Be proud, be confident, and be submissive. That's what he likes... oh yes... mmmhhh...

What the- what's that banging noise?

What's that mysterious chuckling?

Oh shet.

The old man, I just saw him run into my house through the window and up my chimney and out my arse.

Oh no, he's right in front of me.

Oh no, he's destroying my bootyhole.

OOOHHH SHIIIIT!

HE WANTS TO GIVE ME MORE FREE STUFF BUT I DON'T THINK I CAN TAKE IT!

I WON'T SURVIVE THIS!

IF YOU'RE SEEING THIS, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THE SEXY NARRATOR WAS SCHEEPYBIRD ALL ALONG!

OH NO I'M DEAD NOW!

THE OLD MAN SAYS "YOU'RE NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111OneOneOneShiftOneShiftOneShitOneAssButtShitOne!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111

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