The Deitsch Dogg
Everyone about to read this, be warned, this is a nightmare waiting to happen. You will be scarred for life once you read this and will defacate in your pants.
I used to know this girl when I was young. Let's just call her Deitsch. She was walking home from school and became hungry.
Once she walked into her home, her mother turned around...AND WAS A ZOMBIE! Deitsch squealed and her mom violently queefed. After their usual greeting, Deitsch asked her mother for nourishment.
At approximately 3:45 Deitsch's mother brought her boiled cabbage and strawberry paste. Deitsch burst into a fit of rage and threw said paste at her cat, Dr. Robotnik. He squealed and queefed before walking out of the room. Deitsch screamed at her mother, "I'M SICK OF YOUR SHITTY FOOD! I WANT A HOT DOG!" Her mother, let's call her Tim, began to sob and explained, "You know I can't make hot dogs, not after what happened..."
USSR, 1938
Tim was walking through the disease ridden streets with her pet cow, Ciara when STALIN HIMSELF burst from the shadows and punched her in the dick. He ordered his two bodyguards, Dmitri and *insert other generic Slavic name*, to BEAT and POOP ON her. She was BEATEN and POOPED ON for 3 whole days.
After she was BEATEN and POOPED ON, the two bodyguards shuffled in a circle yelling, "SOILED IT! SOILED IT! SOILED IT!"
They left feeling proud of themselves. Weeks later, our dear friend Tim went to the doctor's office discovering she was poop-pregnant; her body absorbed the fecal matter and made her pregnant with a shitbaby! The doctor told her that besides bruised face and other horrific life threatening injuries, she was also about to bear a poopchild! TWINS! The doctor exclaimed, "HOT DOG!" Tim was overjoyed and moved on.
—
"THAT'S WHY I CAN'T MAKE HOT DOGS!", shouted Tim. Deitsch was confused and asked if she was that poopchild. Tim said, "Follow me". Deitsch followed her mother down the stairs to the basement. She asked, "Mom, why is there a buffalo chained to the wall? Is that what you wanted to show me?" "No, that's a side project. What I brought you down her to show you, IS THIS!" Tim explained.
Deitsch looked in horror as Tim removed a curtain revealing a cage. Inside the cage, was A HOT DOG HUMAN HYBRID!
Deitsch's mind swirled with questions but Tim began to explain, "Her name is Jilena. She has been sitting in this cage for over forty five years. She used to be allowed outside until, THE INCIDENT! She was in her kindergarten class when she went on a rampage after her teacher put her in the timeout corner. She began to absorb the other children and could not be stopped. Ever since then she's been here in the basement."
Deitsch yelled, "We have to tell someone!" Tim jumped towards her and punched her in the dick.
"YOU CAN"T TELL ANYBODY!" Deitsch ran from the house and jaunted over to the PO-LEESE station and turned in her mother. When the police arrived, they searched the house and what Police Chief Dmitri Poopoolopov saw blew his mind. He flew back in time to one special day, perhaps the best day of his Soviet life. He went over to Tim and asked for a word alone.
She agreed and they went to talk in the kitchen.
Dmitri spoke gently to her saying, "That child of yours, Jilena I think it was. She has a very important place in this world and you must let her roam free."
Tim responded, "But she's a monster, I can't let her back into the world. Who knows what she'll do?" Dmitri spoke firmly, "But you don't understand!
Her father... he was one of the bodyguards who took a huge dump on you you that day long ago. I was the other". Jilena overheard this dramatic response that she was a poopbaby and tore open her cage. She roams free now and silently stalks everyone that ever utters the word, "Hot dog". Once she catches them, she absorbs them and releases their carcuses in a thick strawberry paste.
And so that's the story of How I Met Your Mother.
Credited to Sexual Santy Claus
Originally uploaded on December 16, 2012
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