The Holy Trollpasta
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NSFW WARNING
This page is not safe for work or school. The content of this story is not suitable for some audiences, and may be inappropriate to view in some situations. |
Chapter 1:
One day, Mickey Mouse was practicing golf and heard the epic scream of a madman… boy… fuck it; I’m not trying with this story anyway. So anyway, Mickey heard an epic scream of a something. He went into the woods… and saw an MLG battle taking place between Thomas and Jeff The Killer with Valory, Valory Hudson on the side; she was cheering Thomas on with obvious bloodlust. Jeff shanked Thomas in the arm, sending hyper-realistic blood squirting everywhere. It was then that Valory, Valory Hudson saw Mickey Mouse hiding behind a tree, watching the epic battle. Before Valory, Valory Hudson could say anything to Thomas, Freddy Fazbear jumped out of the underbrush and attempted to bite Valory, Valory Hudson’s face off! Oh noes! Before he could manage, Massfire teleported in front of Valory, Valory Hudson and stabbed Freddy Fazbear in the face.
“Get REKT, Scrublord!” Massfire roared. Freddy Fazbear stumbled back, attempting to rip the sword out of his face.
“Fuckwad!” Freddy screamed. “How DARE you do that to my PERFECT face!” Mickey Mouse gets ready to run away, but is distracted by a stripped Ruby Rose humping a tree. He is completely mesmerized by the HOT stripping Ruby. She noticed Mickey Mouse staring at her… longingly, and goes full Twilight Princess Link and turns into a wolf. She ran away with incredible speed, and Tiger Woods turned his attention back to the EPIC FUCKING BATTLE going on directly in front of him. Then, out of fucking nowhere because I don’t give two shits about continuity, The Ninjabread Man jumped up in front of Mickey and kicked him in the face, knocking him out cold. Massfire glanced over at the body of Mickey Mouse that was currently being tied up by the Ninjabread Man, perhaps in bondage, and laughed.
“Fucking noob. Get rekt, skrublord.” Everybody was so distracted that they didn’t even see Pedobear staring at them, furiously masturbating in the background. This has no BEARing on the plot; I just wanted to mention it. Suddenly, Big The Cat fazed out of the ground.
“It’s time to kick ass and chew bubblegum.” He snorted, and readied his fishing rod. “And I’m all out of gum.” He stabbed Thomas in the chest. As the fishing rod protruded from his back, a dead Chestburster on the end of the rod was visible.
“Son of a bitch.” Big laughed. “What a pussy.” Out of nowhere, Ruby in wolf form ran out from the woods and jumped on Big. She started humping his chest spastically.
“Love nectar…” Massfire whispered. “Love nectar everywhere.” Took the words right out of my mouth, you fourth wall breaking son of a bitch. Big turned to Massfire, an angry expression on his face.
“You’re ass is grass.” Big growled. “And I’m the weedwhacker.” Massfire glanced at him, and stabbed Big in the chest.
“I guess I broke the weedwhacker.” Massfire smirked. A grin grew on Big’s face, and he started pulling himself further down the sword.
“I think you need some downtime.” Big roared, and clawed at Massfire’s face. Massfire laughed at Big as the scars on his face closed themselves.
“I respect the strong.” Massfire laughed, and pulled the sword out of Big. “And you are defiantly strong.”
Chapter 2:
All the fighting just kind of… died down after this. Don’t worry, I’ll be sure never to explain this as to not confuse your delicate minds with too many horribly confusing plot points. I’m SURE it would be better to just have everything be Deus Ex Machina. Anyhoozers, the group was talking on laughing, suddenly putting their differences aside, until a temporal vortex just sorta… appeared out of thin air and a naked man fell out, an 11 year old girl behind him. He jumped to his feet and noticed the Ninjabread man doing… things with Mickey Mouse, and a hungry look appeared in his eyes. He ran towards the cookie and grabbed him in his iron grip. He shoved the cookie’s head in his mouth, The Ninjabread Man’s screams echoing through the air, and bit down. He chewed and swallowed the cookie’s head and soon devoured the rest of the delicious cookie. He then turned to the group, a grin on his face. Massfire could see the bits of frosting staining his white teeth.
“Tanner Johns.” Massfire said, smirking. “And your 11 year old sister; Lex Luthur. Remember when I told you to NEVER COME TO ME AGAIN?! So may I ask, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE?!” Tanner smiled like an innocent child.
“Well, I remember your… threats Massfire.” He said. “But… I don’t have any other choice. Last night my fucking HOT sister and I were going to do the sex, but we were stopped when we heard and 8-bit Kefka laugh. When we went to investigate, we say X and Weejee doing… things. We don’t really know what was happening, but if X and Weejee are parts of it… it must be evil, essepically if there was a KEFKA laugh!” You see dear reader, Tanner has a sister complex. It was then that Jontron phased into existence and looked started screaming at me, the author who was currently hovering in the air on a Lakitu cloud.
“A sister complex?” He screamed. “Oh, well why not just add a FUCKING cameo by Luke Skywalker? THE POSSIBILITES ARE ENDLESS WHEN YOU DON’T GIVE A FUCK!” A badly photo-shopped picture of Luke Skywalker then flew across the screen.
“Okay.” I said, shrugging my shoulders. Jontron then fazed out of existence. The rest of the group turned their attention back to Tanner.
“I suppose you’re right.” Massfire sighed. “As you know, I will help people if it benefits me in the end. And if you didn’t, dear reader, you should read Shadow’s Wrath by Potatopi13 today! It actually makes sense! Anyway, back to you, Fuckface. I guess I’ll help you. Who’s in?” Jeff, Freddy, Mickey, Big, Ruby, Tanner, Lex, and Valory, Valory Hudson all raised their hands. They were all in. The battle with The Cult of X and Weejee had officially began. But of course, that’s not where I’m ending this chapter because FILLER! Pedobear then walked over to the group, a smile on his face. Massfire jumped back at the sight of him, a horrified look on his face.
“Holy Shit!” He exclaimed. “You’re hand is covered in love nectar!” Pedobear glanced at his hand without emotion.
“Yes.” He said to Massfire. “Yes there is.” He wiped the love nectar off on his thigh and then looked at Tanner.
“I’m going to help, too.” He said. “I’ve had a run-in with The Cult of X. One day, I found a young girl on the side of the street, and tried to drag her into the forest… of course she was willing! Then, some fuckers from The Cult of X came along and shot the girl. My penis instantly wilted and I was filled with sadness. I made it my goal from that day to destroy The Cult of X.” His eyes sparkled as he spoke of his past. Massfire quickly shoved him to the side.
“No.” Massfire roared. “Why the hell would we let you help us?! All you do is masturbate and fuck young children! Get out of my sight.” Pedobear looked hurt.
“But…” He whimpered. “But that’s generalizing pedobears. I’m not like the rest, I truly want to help you.” Massfire didn’t even glance at Pedobear.
“NO!” Massfire stated. “Get out of here!” Pedobear fell to his knees and started sobbing. Everybody put their hands to their ears and Valory, Valory Hudson walked over to Massfire.
“Just let him come with us.” Valory, Valory Hudson complained. Massfire continuously shook his head and Pedobear started sobbing even louder.
“OKAY!” Massfire roared. “You can come with us, just SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Pedobear immediately stopped crying and beamed at Massfire.
"Thank you so much!" He cried. "Now I won't even have nonconsensual sex with you, young one." Massfire looked down, a confused look on his face.
"But..." Massfire muttered. "I'm not underage." Pedobear looked Massfire over.
"I thought you were 12." Pedobear said. "Are you not?" Massfire pushed Pedobear to the side.
"I'm over fifty thousand years old!" He roared. Pedobear shrugged his shoulders.
"My mistake." He said nonchalantly. "I thought you were younger." He then exits the building; or lack of building. I'm honestly not sure... I'm too fucking lazy to read through the atrocity. Not missing the member, Massfire turned towards me.
"So, author." He said. "What are we supposed to do now?" I looked down from the porno magazine I was reading
"Wait, what?" I asked. "What, you're expecting me to have a story for you? I'm just making this shit up as I go. I'm just going to end the chapter now."
Chapter 3:
(Insert highly offensive sex scene between Tanner and Lex here. Yes, this is inspired by Boku no Pico)
“You done?” Massfire asked as soon as he heard Lex moan in satisfaction. Tanner nodded his head, a huge grin on his face.
“Yeah, just about.” Tanner said. “Just promise that you’ll let us do this again in another few hours, it’s a defensive mechanism in my body; it protects me from harm.” Massfire nodded slowly.
“Sucks that some sick fuck is writing our lines. I would love to actually say what I want to, but FUCK IT.” He turned away as Tanner and Lex stood up and got dressed again. Massfire saw Valory, Valory Hudson crying in the corner sobbing, though he felt nothing for her. I flew up to him in my lakitu cloud and started nagging him.
“What, you’re not going to go talk to her?” I demanded. “That’s your personality now, you have to live by it. Forget your old self, it’s dead.” Massfire shook his head.
“Fuck off.” He growled. “You can’t control me; stop fucking trying. I don’t CARE that you created me as a character, I’m my own person.” I held out my hand and he stood up and walked over to Valory, Valory Hudson.
“Why are you here?” Valory, Valory Hudson asked Massfire. “I know that you don’t care about me.”
“That fucker brought me over here.” Massfire said, pointing to me. “You’re right, I don’t give a shit about you, but he apparently wants me to care about you.” Jeff ran over to Massfire, knife raised.
“How DARE you talk to Valory, Valory Hudson!” Jeff roared. Massfire calmly drew his sword and stabbed Jeff in the chest. He threw the dying boy to the ground and started brutally stabbing him to death, cutting him into tiny little chunks. Once Jeff was merely a pile of flesh and organs, Massfire lit the bloody mess on fire.
“That’s for your excess of shitty stories.” Massfire growled. “I’ve waited for so long to do that, cunt sucker.” He then sat back down next to Valory, Valory Hudson.
“Sorry about that.” He said. “I’m truly glad that fucker’s dead. He would’ve been a liability. Pay that no mind, what’s bothering you?” Valory, Valory Hudson looked at Massfire, tears in her eyes.
“That… Duke Nukem cat killed Thomas.” She sniffled. Massfire’s eyes grew wide, and he stood up.
“Well, that’s my cue to leave.” He said. “I don’t care. Don’t speak to me again.” He walked away fast and leaned against a tree. He saw Ruby and Big fucking each other and he shook his head quietly.
“This is so fucked up.” Massfire muttered. “There is no sense to this. It’s midnight now when it was just he middle of the day. I’ll just sleep away from everyone; I don’t want to be with them more than I must.
“Where’s that DAMN fourth Chaos Emerald!?” Tails door demanded from Laura.
“I don’t know where.” Laura said in a gravely voice.
“IT’S NOT A TUMA!” Arnold Schwarzenegger shouted in the corner. Tails Doll angrily turned to the man.
“Shut it, fucker.” Tails Doll demanded. “Do you want me to chain you up again?” Arnold jumped up and started sprinting out of the room.
“GET TO THE CHOPPA!” Arnold shouted as he ran out. Tails Doll pulled a machine gun out of his pocket and shot Arnold into a bloody pulp. He then turned back to Laura.
“Now, back to business.” He growled. “Where’s that DAMN fourth Chaos Emerald!?” Blood started pouring out of Laura’s harp that she wore on her back.
“Don’t worry about it.” Laura told Tails Doll when she saw him staring at it. “That just kind of… happens occasionally.” Tails Doll nodded slowly, a skeptical look on his face.
“Anyway, you are no longer of use to me.” Tails Doll growled, pointing his machine gun at her. “If you can’t tell me where that DAMN fourth Chaos Emerald is, DIE!” He mowed Laura down into a bloody lump and put away his gun. He turned and saw a figure in a brown cloak walking into the room.
“I know it’s never good to interrupt you during business hours.” The figure said in a deep voice. “So I waited for you to finish. I need some information on your… previous partner.” Tails Doll grinned and clapped his hands, turning the lights on.
“Of course, friend!” Tails Doll cheered. “You can take the cloak off.” Massfire threw the cloak he wore to the side.
“I’m glad you remember me.” He said, smirking. “I’m even more glad that you didn’t force me to kill you. So, about…”
“Sonic.EXE.” Tails Doll interrupted. “Yes, I know his current whereabouts. What’s in it for me.” Massfire started laughing.
“His death.” He answered. “Along with Weejee, his sidekick. So… you in?” Tails Doll grew a side smirk.
“Well, I can’t argue with that.” He laughed. “I’m in. Sonic.EXE, also known as X has his own fucking CASTLE located on the edge of Jeff The Killer’s hometown and Wankerville. On the cliff that separates them, you will find the castle; be careful, though. Somehow, he got the Underworld’s Devourer of Souls to live in the bottom of the cliff. Don’t ask me how he got it to live there, it’s probably a secret to everybody.” Massfire nodded when Tails Doll finished his two hour long monologue.
“Very well.” He said. “Thanks, Tails Doll. I’ll use this information to destroy Sonic.EXE once and for all.” Suddenly, a man ran into the room.
“My name is Shinobu Toyoda! I bring a message from the president of Sega!” The man stated. “His message is this: You can’t just kill that thing, he’s a BEAST VERSION OF OUR MASCOT!” Massfire face palmed at his statement.
“First of all, that is FUCKING STUPID!” Massfire lectured the man. “Second of all, what does him being a beast version of your mascot have to do with me killing him? After a phrase like that, I see NO reason to let you live.” His sword burst into flames and he promptly stabbed Shinobu Toyoda to death. It’s more putting him out of his misery at this point; just look at where the series has gone. I mean, Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric?! What the FUCK?! Anyhoozers, Massfire looked back at Tails Doll, and gave him one final nod just before he and the group left the building. Wait, this chapter seems very short, why does it feel like it should end now? FUCK IT! I’m the author and narrator; I can do whatever the fuck I want!
Chapter 4:
Fifty thousand years later, Massfire and the group were looking up at the massive castle of X, the shittiest castle for the shittiest… game? Demon? Villain? Cunt? Probably that last one. The castle was literally a long staircase up to the top of the castle-tower. There was indeed a massive chasm beside the tower, red smoke rising from its depths.
“Valory, Valory Hudson.” Massfire said. “You still got the mental drugs from the Wankerville Hospital?”
“Of course.” Valory, Valory Hudson responded, pulling a bottle of pills from her pocket. “It’s amazing how easy these pills were to get. Those guards were pathetic, dropping their guns the second we showed we were armed.” Massfire nodded in agreement.
“Yeah, it was pathetic. They deserved to die.” He said. “But that isn’t what I was going to say, I was just saying that those mental drugs will help us on our way. I don’t even know how they work. They just kind of give us super strength and the ability to dodge bullets.” Valory, Valory Hudson nodded uninterestedly.
“Just get the fuck over him.” Massfire moaned. “You’re moping isn’t going to bring him back! Just forget about him and get on with your life!” Valory, Valory Hudson said nothing more. Walking past everyone, Big The Cat moved towards the world’s shitty castle.
“Come on!” Big said to the group. “What are you waitin’ for? Christmas?” Massfire nodded and followed Big to the front of the castle. Out of nowhere, Ruby transformed back into a human.
“Are we ready for this?” She asked. Massfire stumbled back and drew his sword.
“What the fuck?!” He demanded. “You can talk?!” Ruby slowly nodded, and Massfire sheathed his sword, still looking at Ruby with suspicion.
“Then yes, we are ready.” Massfire said. “Let’s go.” They walked through the front door (Which was unlocked.) and started climbing the long staircase. After seventeen trillion years, they made it to the top. The top of the tower was somehow the size of a blimp top, even though it should be the size of a dinner table.
“You have finally made it.” A deep and gravely voice growled from nowhere. “It took you long enough. I am X, I am God…” Massfire suddenly cut the voice off.
“Yeah, and I’m Kim Jong Un.” He said. Lightning struck the side of the tower roof.
“HOW DARE YOU!” The voice roared. “Because of that, I’ll not even fight you myself. I’ll just send my best General. Hades from Kid Icarus: Uprising! Come to me and destroy these pathetic insects!” A massive figure rose up from the pit beside the castle.
“Yoo hoo.” The figure said. “Sorry to keep you waiting! But now that I’m here, let’s get this party started!” Massfire quickly drew his sword and it’s blade burst into flames.
“I’m just going to make this quick.” Massfire said to the others, and teleported away in a puff of black smoke. He appeared again just above Hades, freefalling to the ground. Just as he made it to Hades’ neck, he struck at hit, cutting it clean off. Before Hades had the chance to grow his head back, Massfire teleported lower down and chopped his torso in half. He then teleported slightly higher up, and cut straight through Hades’ dancing heart. The now dead body of Hades fell down into the pit of death. While he was at it, Massfire teleported lower into the pit and killed The Devourer of Souls in a single strike like the MLG No-scoper he is. He then teleported back to the top of the tower. After a few seconds, X spoke again.
“Well.” He said. “Shit. I was expecting that to kill at least one of you. No matter, I’ll bring in another general. Come to me, Tony The Clock!” Tony The Clock materialized on the tower in front of the group.
“It’s time for time!” He roared. Big The Cat walked up to it and stabbed it in the face with his fishing rod.
“Get that crap outta here!” Big growled. Tony The Clock completely shattered into tiny shards of glass and metal with exploded individually.
“Argh!” X whined. “Why don’t you just die?! That was my last general. Well, I guess I’ll just take care of you myself.” A human-sized Sonic plushee with hyper-realistic bleeding red eyes appeared on the top of the tower.
“You will all feel the might of God!” It laughed. A blast of energy that I just decided X has emitted from the plushee, knocking the group the ground. He rose in the air, ready to finish the group off when, in a flash of light, a tall figure wielding to daggers appeared, knocking the plushee to the ground. The attack knocked the plushee out.
“Who…” Massfire started.
“The name’s Balance.” The person said. “I believe we’re equal now, Massfire.” Balance then noticed the presence of me hovering in my lakitu cloud.
“You.” He growled. “Where’s your friend?” I didn’t even respond to him, just shot him in the head with the pistol I suddenly had.
“What the hell?” Massfire demanded. “What was he talking about? What friend.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked. “There was nobody here.” He turned to see Big The Cat finishing the Sonic plushee off.
“But there was…” He started, but Valory, Valory Hudson cut him off.
“What are you talking about, Massfire?” She asked. “Big killed X the second he appeared. There was nobody but us here.”
