The Legend of Zelda: Modern Warfare
As a self-appointed Zelda conniseur, I've played every single game in the series lifespan. I've played through and enjoyed the NES classic, had a blast with the N64 favorite Ocarina of Time (and the cult classic Majora's Mask) and I even put up with Phantom Hourglass, even though that game is putrid dogwater doggy doo doo fucking dookie ass diarrhea bullshit. So when it came time for Breath of the Wild's release, I knew I absolutely had to play it.
Only thing was, I didn't own a Switch, nor did I plan on buying one in the first place. I bought a Wii U at launch (I still have the scars from the eggs people threw as they laughed at me) and I felt like the little white box was being fed to the hounds. The Switch was such a gimmicky console, for all the soyboy cucks of the world, and I was revolted at just how much it stole from the Wii U GamePad. I hated that Switch, with its better battery life, better library, better portability, and better everything than the Wii U. And after launch, a part of me wanted to hate Zelda as well.
It was all Chad's fault, you see. The motherfucker was showing off to Stacy as usual. He had brought his new Switch to school, and he had Zelda, of course. I'm willing to bet my Gamecube that the bastard didn't even know what Zelda was in the first place! So I had to tell him off. I marched over to their table at lunch and I demanded to know what he was doing.
"I demand to know what you are doing!" I demanded, intending to know what he was doing.
"Please take a shower," Chad and Stacy both said in unison.
"Uh, no. My natural musk is more likely to attract females than that Axe crap you use. Anyways, what the hell is that thing and what are you doing?!"
"It's Breath of the Wild," Chad said. "I thought you liked Zelda, bro."
"Of COURSE I like Zelda, you imbecile! But since when did YOU like Zelda?!" I moaned. "I bet you don't even know who Ezlo is!"
"Ezlo? He's the dude who got turned into a hat by Vaati in The Minish Cap. He's like the companion character, like Navi in Ocarina or Fi in Skyw-"
"WHAT?! You clearly didn't even know that! You were just trying to impress Stacy again!" I screamed. People were beginning to pull out their phones.
"No, dude. I love Zelda. I've actually tried to talk to you about it before but you always kept screaming about how I get more girls than you or something." Chad held out his Switch in offering. "Do you want to play? I think you'd like it. I've got some cool weapons."
"NO!" I shouted, pushing the Switch into his chest. "The Switch is GARBAGE! It's gimmick isn't even used properly, unlike the Wii U! Right, my queen, Stacy?"
I turned to my beloved. She was face down in her mashed potatoes, having died a few seconds prior of a cocaine overdose.
"They have a Wii U version anyways, dude," Chad said.
"Shut up! You don't know anything about Zelda! You just want to impress HER!" I yelled, pointing at Stacy. Her ear was bleeding.
"Stacy just wanted to see, dude. I really wish you would be nicer instead of so- GAHHHHHHH WHAT THE FUCK WHY IS SHE BLEEDING"
I started to run out of the school building, away from that stupid Chad as he fruitlessly attempted to revive Stacy. I started to run home, crying, passing an ambulance and a few cop cars on the way. I almost shouted out that she would rather a nice guy like me as opposed to those jerks, but I stopped myself suddenly. What Chad said had dawned on me. A Wii U version? Of a Zelda game?!?! Egads! This is absolutely unheard of! I decided that I had to play it.
I altered my course and ran for Gamestop.
I almost wish I hadn't.
The skies were clear, so there wasn't any of that gloomy rainstorm bullshit. I walked inside the building, eager to procure a copy of the game.
"HELLO AND WELCOME TO GAMESTOP WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN OUR POWERUP REWARDS PROGRAM?" a blistering voice screamed from the back of the store. My eyes locked on the employee, who looked strangely familiar, standing behind the counter with a shit eating grin.
"No thanks," I said hurriedly rushing over to the Wii U section, which quite literally only consisted of four games, 3 of which being overfill copies of Starfox Zero. The fourth game, however, had the generic Gamestop used game cover art, with the title only being: TLOZ HAUNTED COPY. I was overjoyed to figure out that idiot Chad was right, but I was confused by the haunted copy on the front counter. I have never read any sort of horror in my life and common sense completely fucking eludes me so I didn't really notice that it was a warning sign to turn back. I mean, Stacy didn't like horror, and I was always trying to impress her. Before she died, that is. Of a cocaine overdose. Anyways, I took it up to the counter.
"Hi, I'd like to ask a few questions about this game," I said tentatively to the employee, who's nametag said Greg.
"YEAH GO FOR IT BUDDY," screamed Greg. "I'M SURPRISED NO ONE HAS BOUGHT THAT THING YET. WOULD YOU LIKE TO SIGN UP FOR OUR POWERUP REWARDS PROGRAM?"
"I already said no, but that's besides the point. It says haunted copy on the front. What does that mean?"
"OH YEAH THAT MEANS THE GAME'S HAUNTED. HAUNTED AS FUCK. I THINK YOU'RE GONNA DIE IF YOU BUY IT, TO BE HONEST. WOULD YOU LIKE TO PREORDER ASSASSIN'S CREED 96: REVENGE OF THE 42ND GAME'S VILLAIN?"
"No, thank you," I said, annoyed that he would bring up such a garbage cash grab video game such as Assassin's Creed. I'm a real gamer. Why would he ever bring that up?
"ALRIGHT THEN JUST THIS FOR TODAY? IF YOU JOIN THE POWERUP REWARDS PROGRAM YOU GET A DIGITAL SUBSCRIPTION TO GAMEINFORMER MAGAZINE, YOU KNOW." Greg subtly began to push a jar marked "TIPZ" over to me.
I nodded yes, eager to get out of there. He rang up the game and I gave him a 3 dollar tip. As soon as I did so, he began to moan with ecstasy. "BEWARE OF THE CURSED THREE," he moan-yelled to me on my way out.
It wasn't long before I got home, but even then, his cryptic warning began to haunt me. What were the cursed three he was talking about? Did he mean the Triforce? That would make sense because it was Zelda, but they were never cursed in the game... Regardless, I popped the game into my Wii U and booted it up.
The console menu never loaded. Instead, I was seemingly booted right into the game. I woke up in the Shrine of Resurrection, only Zelda's voice was inaudible. I didn't really want to hear a woman talk anyways so I didn't think much of it.
The thing that disturbed me most was after the opening cinematic of Link looking out into the vast landscape of Hyrule. Seemingly as soon as I was set to regain control of him, a text box belonging to "????" appeared, saying only: "BEWARE OF THE CURSED THREE."
This was REALLY scary, you guys. So much so I immediately started crying. Why would Shigeru (I can call him that because I'm a true fan) put scary stuff like this in Zelda? Even Twilight Princess wasn't this bad! Nevertheless, I was determined to play through this game so I would have something to talk about at Stacy's funeral.
A few things struck me as off. Upon opening the map, it appeared that it was 100% maxed out, with each tower and shrine fast travel point already unlocked and activated, though it seemed the shrines had yet to be started. Furthermore, there were no enemies on the Great Plateau; it was just me, and the old man a few feet away. I made my way over to him.
"YOU STANKY BOY," was all he had to say to me.
What in the fuck was this? This couldn't have been part of the game, was it? I began to feel some sort of infernal dread across my entire body. I was sure that this Zelda was going to be the death of me. My whole life before I pressed the power button on my GamePad was different. I was normal. I was happy. Breath of the Wild. HEAR ITS CRY.
I don't know what got a hold of me just there, but just for good measure, I've rid my house of all instruments that remind me of recorders, such as my recorder from third grade. Anyway, I continued down throughout the Great Plateau, trying to find something to do. To my surprise, I found a Lynel near the base of the Great Plateau Tower, frozen in place. Now, despite the fact that I hadn't even known a Wii U version of this game existed until Chad (who was surely in a state of anguish over the death of Stacy, even though he didn't understand her like I did) said something about it, I knew Lynels weren't supposed to be here... much less able to be talked to. Nevertheless, when I approached him, the option to talk to him appeared. Nervously, I pressed A.
"YOU STANKY BOY," the lynel said.
Was the game trying to talk to me? People at school had told me I had stunk before, but I rejected their primitive soaps and deodorants in the past. Did Shigeru find out about this and was trying to tell me they were right? Of course I would listen to him before all of those sheeple, but he's Japanese. How does he even know what stinky is to Americans like my classmates? Before I got an answer to any of those questions, however, the Lynel sprung to life and became hostile.
I immediately panicked. This was a completely normal thing for the game to do, yes, but I had no weapons. Or so I thought; miraculously, a Royal Broadsword had appeared in my inventory while the Lynel was talking to me. I equipped it and geared myself for a tough battle, but to my shock and utter horror, the lynel died in one hit. I was overpowered. The game was easy. I couldn't believe my eyes. Nintendo had published a broken, unpolished, unbalanced game. And I better not hear you tryhards say that they did that with Brawl! That was my favorite Wii game!
Anyways, to my shock (I get surprised very easily. One time I saw a Conjuring movie and left the theatre with poopy in my favorite Hanes) there were two more Lynels there, and they both died in one hit as well. As the last one died, however, I finally remembered how to count.
The cursed three. It had to have been the Lynels.
And at that moment, the worst thing I had ever heard in my life up until that point sounded from the television.
"Friendly UAV online."
In that instance, everything had changed. I had been teleported to Hyrule Castle, but that was the only thing Zelda like about it. The gun in my hand. The minimap in the corner. The scoreboard. The screaming children over the sound of the worst microphones in the world complete with dog barking and vacuum noises in the background. I realized too late what haunted meant for this game. It was the ghost of the original blockbuster FPS from the 7th generation of video game consoles. I was no longer playing Breath of the Wild.
I was playing The Legend of Zelda: Modern Warfare.
As a fan of all good games, imagine my horror when I realized I was playing my arch nemesis game. Call of Duty fucking sucks, and it's a game for meatheads and jocks to play after they fuck their cheerleader girlfriends after school. I did not consent to play this. I did not. I fucking hate Call of Duty. I wanted to play Zelda. Chad had tricked me. I had been pranked. Fuck this shit. I don't even feel like writing the rest of this story just reliving it.
Upon realizing what I was playing, I started crying and throwing up. I was just about to kill myself when my Wii U started to make a chugging noise. The screen shut off; the console had seemingly crashed. I was dumbfounded, and too DUMB to realize that my pills had FOUND their way onto the floor because I spilled them. Then... from the disk tray of the console... a blueish vapor poured out and congregated in front of me... and took the form of the ghost of Shigeru Miyamoto.
He spoke to me in Japanese. I'm a diehard Nintendo fan, but I admit I wasn't familiar with the Japanese he used, although I totally know a lot of Japanese and that's why I can appreciate anime more when it's subbed as opposed to dubbed. An unseen English translator repeated what he was saying as he said it to me, however. Just like a Nintendo direct! How amazing!
What wasn't amazing was what he said. He told me I stank and needed to take a shower and he was going to possess my body and force me to do it.
What happened next was kind of a blur, but I kept having visions of playing all different types of Call of Duty games as the ghost of Shigeru forced me to scrub a dub dub. I wasn't aware I was showering during that time, but I would have taken that torture as opposed to the Call of Duty I was imagining myself playing. I'm serious. One of them was Ghosts.
Eventually, I finished my shower and Shigeru unpossessed me. I came to my senses, realized that a lifetime of pungent mating musk had been cleaned off by the spirit of my idol, and made the decision to kill myself. I figured I was gonna write this so people should know what happened, but even though I just got rid of that recorder while I was in the middle of writing this story, I think I'm gonna stab myself in the trachea with that. Anyways, always fear... don't buy Breath of the Wild for Wii U, for it could be the dreaded... Legend of Zelda Modern Warfare.
Epilogue
"Two of my classmates fucking died. How do you think I feel?" -Chad
Written by Rhybelle
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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