The Super Duper Pooper Scooper Creepypasta Season 1 Box Set
Chapter 1: Skylanders: Giants
Everybody knows Skylanders: Giants, right? It's a game where you buy these overpriced figurines that you put on this portal thingy. Oh, and I guess there's a plot, too.
A couple months ago, I was searching for a new Spyro game when I came across this site called genericshadysitethatnoonesheardof.com that was selling a new Spyro game for Xbox 360.
I clicked the link, but the screen was blank. I refreshed it. It was still blank. After I refreshed it for the trillionth time, a picture of Sonic.exe appeared and Can You Feel The Sunshine? was playing in the background. Herobrine then killed Sonic.exe and said to me "!won tsuj petsrood ruoy no decalp yltneinevnoc evah I taht emag eht yojnE"
I threw my laptop out the window. Then I went downstairs to urinate on it (I do stuff like that sometimes). When I opened the door, there was a package that had the words POISON, MURDER, and CURSE on it. "I better open it," I said to myself.
I grabbed a knife and sliced the packaging. Then, to my surprise, A SKELETON POPPED OUT!
Just kidding.
In the package, the game was there. "What the fuck!" I shouted. This wasn't the game I ordered. I ordered Spyro 666: Cursed Spyro 13, not Skylanders: Giants! Who the fuck are Tree Rex and Jet Vac? Why was Cynder in this? The developers should know I hate every aspect of the Legend of Spyro series!
I threw the game in my basement, where my Rottweiler would feast on it.
The very next week, I was cosplaying as Alex Mason outside for no reason, when I got beat up by a bunch of five year olds clad in SKELETON, uh, I mean Skylanders costumes. I swear they were part of a kindergarten cult. Anyway, they tortured me for the day by lecturing me about how Skylanders is awesome and that Call of Duty sucks.
I finally broke out just when they were about to stuff Trigger Happys in my pants and Gill Grunts in my shirt. When I got home, the game was on the television, which is weird because I locked it with my dog in the basement with an hour's worth of food.
I decided to open it. The next thing I knew, A SKELETON POPPED OUT!
Just kidding.
I got all of the contents out of the box: the game, the figures, the portal, stickers, and a poster. But there was one item that was not listed: it was a piece of paper that said "Get your laptop". I went outside and got the laptop I threw out of the window a week prior. I opened it, and to my surprise, Skylanders popped out of my computer screen! There were a lot of single packs. There were also two battle packs, one of which included a sword wielding Skylander that was also a SKELETON!
The screen said to put the game into my Xbox. I responded "duh, how else would I play it?" My laptop exploded.
I put the game in (finally), and instead of the Activision logo coming up, I was greeted by not a SKELETON, but SammyClassicSonicFan's DOOS EX rant. The worst part was that I could not skip it. After a while, I just couldn't take it anymore, so I shouted "Fuck you!" Sammy looked directly at me and said, "You're a dumb frickin' poop merchant you frickin' Adventure fanfrick! LIKE SONIC LIKE SONIC LIKE SONIC LIKE SONIC LIKE SONIC!" Sammy's head was then impaled by a spear.
Finally, I got to actually play the game. I had to choose a character to play as, so I obviously chose Spyro. Some floating head NPC named Eon told the story behind these events (like I care). Everything played out like normal.
I got to level 13 where this oracle called Octavius Cloptimus (I'll just call him Octoguy) puts you through trials. But instead of normal, fucking easy trials, I had to go through fucked up trials like having to choose between murdering or being murdered. When I finished the level, Octoguy was covered in HYPER REALISTIC BLOOD that no modern system could render.
I passed that off as a glitch.
Everything played normally until the boss level. Apparently, the boss is some midget named Kaos (who knew?) who gains control of this giant robot fist and turns into a robot.
During the boss fight, every time I damaged Kaos, I heard John Lennon's voice saying "You shouldn't have done that." Once I defeated Kaos, I looked closely at the screen, and A SKELETON POPPED OUT!
Just kidding.
Kaos was bleeding HYPER REALISTIC BLOOD! Then, Spyro was transported into a Hell level. Lavender Town was playing in the background. At the end of the level, Jay-Z murdered Spyro, and John Lennon's face was on the screen. I got so scared that I defecated on all of the other Skylanders.
The screen went black. Now, all I could see was John Lennon singing Miley Cyrus' Wrecking Ball over and over again. I eventually fainted and fell into my pile of feces.
When I woke up, I realized I had been asleep for a month. The television suddenly turned on. The screen had HYPER REALISTIC BLOOD, but it took me 2 hours to comprehend it.
Then, I put my Alex Mason costume on and pretended this didn't happen. I went for a nice walk through the park. I went home, and my laptop was in perfect condition. On the screen was a video of Herobrine dancing to Gangnam Style. After the video was finished, A SKELETON POPPED OUT!
For realz this time.
I knew I had to kill it. So, I grabbed a ketchup bottle and threw it at the SKELETON. Nothing happened. I then grabbed a perfectly good shotgun that was laying around and shot the SKELETON.
I took the SKELETON to a psychic or something. It was John Lennon's SKELETON. Now John Lennon will haunt me forever. Every night, I pray to my deity, Derpy Hooves, to rid my house of his spirit.
I'm never playing Skylanders again.
Also, my dog is dead.
Chapter 2: Super Smash Bros.
I don't have much time left. I have to pee some HYPER REALISTIC pee and some HYPER REALISTIC monster is following me. I need to tell this story before my demise.
For the past week, I have been playing a lot of this game called Super Smash Bros. It's this awesome fighting game where you play as Nintendo's all stars. Call me childish all you want, but I think Kirby is the best out of all fighters, including Captain Falcon and Solid Snake.
I beat the original one for Nintendo 64 because Derpy told me it was the only way to eradicate John Lennon's spirit. The game was really fun and I was instantly hooked. I got the sequel, Super Smash Bros. Melee, for Nintendo GameCube. This is where the weird stuff started to happen.
I spent all day and all night nonstop unlocking all of the characters and stages. Once I unlocked Mr. Game and Watch, the screen flashed to what looked like an anus. Not a scary face or a corpse or anything, an anus. I blinked and saw Herobrine on my screen. This time, he was with Ben and a version of Mewtwo covered in HYPER REALISTIC BLOOD.
Mewtwo grabbed my head with his psychic powers and made me drink my own piss. I enjoyed this because it made me feel like Bear Grylls. Mewtwo let go of me. Herobrine then told me I had a copy of Super Smash Bros. Brawl on my doorstep. Knowing this is almost exactly what he did to me when I got Skylanders: Giants, I went outside to get the package.
On my doorstep was a huge package. I brought it inside. I opened it, and to my surprise, a puppy came out! He was so cute! So I threw him in the basement.
He can shit in there.
Also in the package was Half Life 3 (stupid), Left 4 Dead 3 (uninteresting), Fallout 4 (overrated), Sonic Adventure 3 (worst game ever), Shenmue 3 (terrible), and many others. The last two games, Super Smash Bros. Brawl and a game titled Super Smash Bros. I Herd U Liek Mudkipz, were the only ones I found even remotely interesting.
I put Brawl in my Wii. I enjoyed the Subspace Emissary, the main story mode. It was completely normal. I completed the game 100 percent, and then the fucking power went out.
It took about two hours for the power to come back on, which I used to do some meth.
When the power turned on, Herobrine was on the screen again. "Leave me the fuck alone!", I said. All he said was "!nekorb si emag siht ,yrroS" My Wii exploded.
I passed that off as a glitch.
I decided to take a break and have a bowl of HYPER REALISTIC cereal. I opened the box, and to my surprise a SKELETON POPPED OUT!
But it was just a toy.
Disturbed by the skeletal toy, I decided to play Super Smash Bros. I Herd U Liek Mudkipz. To my dismay, the game was only for Nintendo666CursedSystem Edition 13.
Because I did not have the system, I did an 8-ball and went into a rage, killing my new puppy.
I finally sat down, and the new system was there. I popped the game in. The main theme was Lavender Town. "It's nice to know Nintendo is remembering their classic games", I said.
I started Classic Mode and looked at the characters. The characters were: Herobrine, Mudkip, Majora, SKELETON, John Lennon, Jay-Z, HYPER REALISTIC BLOOD Mewtwo, Geno, and Sonic.exe. I tried to select Majora, but the game kept saying "INSERT MAJORA."
I whipped out my trusty Majora's Mask cartridge for Nintendo 64 that I always keep in my pants and put it in the console's convenient Nintendo 64 cartridge slot. What I saw was horrifying. I had just unlocked three characters. The first was Ben. The second was Jadusable, the crazy man I bought the cartridge from. The last was SammyofHyrule. How horrifying! SammyofHyrule was easily the creepiest.
I was forced to play as those three. Everything was normal now. Once I reached the boss fight, I had to fight Nazo za Hejjihoggu, the villain of a bad Creepypasta I wrote. His touch was insta-kill.
The characters woke up in a Hell level. At the end, Miley Cyrus murdered them with musical notes. Redd Foxx appeared and started his Wash Your Ass routine. I grabbed a fucking AK47 and blasted the fuck out of that piece of shit TV because that motherfucker is stupid and can eat its own digitized shit! I then smoked some pot.
I called my friends and told them we were cosplaying at the beach today. I dressed up as Kirby and they dressed up as Sephiroth, Mega Man, and Dante. We had a great time, but we were stopped by Redd Foxx. He killed my friends and chased me from Thailand to Canada. Then he got hit by a bus. I merrily walked home not caring that my friends were dead.
I got home and, to my surprise, Miley Cyrus was in my house. She started twerk-chasing me. Macklemore came in and said "Damn, that's a cold ass honky." Miley Cyrus melted into a pile of feces and radioactive waste. Macklemore started chasing me.
I ran all the way from the United States to England and murdered someone in their home. I used their computer to type this and get the story out. I warn you, if you see this game, DON'T PLAY IT.
Just kidding. I'm actually Macklemore and I killed that bitch. NOW YOU'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
Chapter 3: Sonic the Hedgehog
I have so many adorable hedgebabies! What's a hedgebaby you may ask? I'll explain it to you in this HYPER REALISTIC experience I had.
You know about Sonic the Hedgehog, right? If you don't, stop reading this and rethink your life. Anyways, it is my favorite video game series. The best character is Sonic the Hedgehog because he's cool and whatnot, and whoever doesn't agree is wrong and should slap themselves really hard right now.
After I was killed by Macklemore, I was sent to Hell. As I was burning to death over and over again, I had a stroke of pure genius! I asked Satan to have a fiddle playing contest with me. If I won, I would be freed and get a fiddle made of gold. Of course, I won or you wouldn't be hearing this right now.
Once I got out, I decided to buy a Sega Genesis. I bought some games like Earthworm Jim, Vectorman, Ristar, and most importantly, Sonic the Hedgehog.
I played Sonic the Hedgehog first. I loved it so much that I thought the rest of my video game collection was inferior, so I blew it all up.
I went on the computer to order all other Sonic games. When I got on the computer, however, all I saw was Herobrine doing the Harlem Shake. He then looked me straight in the eye and said, "!noitcelloc gohegdeH eht cinoS etelpmoc ruoy yojnE"
Knowing this was almost exactly what happened when he caused John Lennon to haunt my home and caused me to go to Hell, I went outside to open the package that Herobrine implied.
Sure enough, there was a huge package on my doorstep. I took it inside, and to my surprise, a HYPER REALISTIC book on philosophy popped out! Knowing nothing about that shit, I burned it.
I burned it with fire.
There were many games in the box, including (but not limited to): Sonic the Hedgehog 2, Tails' Skypatrol, Knuckles' Chaotix, Sonic Adventure, Sonic Adventure 2, Shadow the Hedgehog, Sonic 06, Sonic Rush, Sonic Generations, Sonic Lost World, Sonic Boom, and SonicCursed666GottaGoFastFictionalTeleporterGameLifeDestroyer Revision 13.
I played all the games from Sonic 2 to Sonic Boom. I got to the last game. This is where the weird things started. I played that Cursed game or whatever when Sonic.exe appeared on my screen and did an Irish jig while covered in HYPER REALISTIC BLOOD. Then, to my surprise, A SKELETON POPPED OUT!
Just kidding.
Sonic.exe dragged me into the game world. He twerked at me and then ran away. I was lost for days. I was seemingly stuck in Green Hill Zone. It wasn't until a month later that I was rescued by a girl named Mary Sue and her boyfriend Shadow.
I later found out she had a tragic past. Her father was brutally murdered when she was three by criminals. Her mother abandoned her at the age of seven and died of dysentery in a wagon. She was orphaned for a few years until she was imprisoned in this world. She found Shadow who became her boyfriend-guardian. Shadow taught her the art of Super Kwon Jutsu and now she is a master.
She helped me through Green Hill Zone. Once we got to the end, she asked me, "Do you, like, have a Ultra Hyper Super Master form?"
I responded, "No. What is that?"
"Of course you, like, do. You just need to, like, swivel your foot. Just, like, try it," she said.
I did, and I turned into Ultra Hyper Super Master (Insert Name Here).
"You'll, like, need it to survive out there," she said.
We traveled through many zones and areas until we ended up in Station Square, where I met the love of my life. Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles were playing tag, when Sonic fell and scraped his knee. I helped him up.
"Oh no, your knee is bleeding. I'll get a bandaid for you," I said.
I got Sonic a bandaid. He was thanked me.
He then turned to Shadow about to kiss Mary Sue.
"Just, like, kiss me Shadow," she said.
Sonic tried to kill Shadow, but Tails stopped him.
"I fucking hate Shadow!" Sonic said. "Let me kill him!"
"It's okay, Sonic. Don't let them get to you," I said.
Everyone decided to have a picnic. Big the Cat tried to come along, but Mary Sue said, "Like, nobody likes you."
Big the Cat ran off and killed himself.
After the picnic, we all went to Soleanna and found Silver. He said that he was going to kill us. Then, to our surprise, Sanic Hegehog and Sonichu came to the rescue. They killed Silver. Amy, Cream, and Cheese came out of the clothes store. They bought over nine thousand different clothes.
"Mary, it's like, so great to see you!" said Amy.
"Yeah, it's like, so great to see you, too!" said Mary Sue
We all went to different stores until we found Chris Chan and SammyPaperMarioFan.
They joined us and we went to the Death Egg.
Dr. Eggman found us and fought us.
"Use your, like, Ultra Hyper Super Master form!" she said.
I swiveled my foot and became Ultra Hyper Super Master (Insert Name Here). Eggman exploded out of sheer terror.
When we thought everything was fine, we were sent to a Hell world.
It darkened, and soon we were surrounded by Herobrine, Sonic.exe, SKELETON, Tree Rex, Jet Vac, Cynder, my dead Rottweiler, Gill Grunt, Trigger Happy, Spyro, Eon, Octavius Cloptimus, Kaos, Jay-Z, John Lennon, my dead puppy, Mr. Game and Watch, Ben, HYPER REALISTIC BLOOD Mewtwo, Mudkip, Majora, Geno, Jadusable, Nazo za Hejjihoggu, Miley Cyrus, Redd Foxx, Macklemore, and the book on philosophy. They killed most of us. Only Mary Sue, Shadow, Sonic, Amy, Cream, Cheese, and I were left.
I spotted a rip in the sky.
"Look, it's our way out!" I said.
We all jumped back into the real world.
Sonic became my boyfriend (if you didn't already figure it out, Sonic was the love of my life that I met in Station Square), and we did some NSFW things.
Later, Sonic somehow got pregnant (which is biologically impossible) and now we have adorable hedgebabies.
This will be the last you will hear of me. Goodbye, and thank you for taking the time to read my HYPER REALISTIC story.
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Chapter 4: Electric Boogaloo
Hello everyone. I am so glad to finally communicate with you again. Mai hot waifu Kitana was just murdered by John Lennon. I know six questions have just sprouted up in your cute little heads.
Question 1: You have been communicating with us for the past two chapters, so why are you happy to be communicating with us? Answer: Those were just satirical stories written by John Lennon to make me look bad.
Question 2: You said we heard the last of you in the last chapter. Why did you write this? Answer: I have been held hostage in my basement by John Lennon. I wrote a cryptic message at the end of the last chapter, which stated that I was returning soon.
Question 3: I thought you were gay, yet you basically stated you are straight. Are you bisexual, pansexual, or anything-sexual? Answer: I am straight. As I said before, the two previous chapters were satirical stories written by John Lennon.
Question 4: I thought you were a furry. A gay furry at that. Did you change your sexual identity? Answer: Again, as I have said before, the two previous chapters were written by John Lennon.
Question 5: I thought John Lennon was eradicated. How did he kill your "hot waifu" Kitana if he was destroyed? Answer: Once more... John Lennon is awesome... go fuck yourself Lennon! This is my pasta, not yours! I can't wait... to post pictures of me eating my feces... FUCKING STOP IT! Hold on, people.
Okay, I have strapped John Lennon down in a ghostly straitjacket. Anyway, to answer your question, John Lennon wrote those stories. Derpy is on vacation in another dimension, so I am left to solve problems on my own.
Question 6: WHO THE FUCK IS KITANA?!?! Answer: I am glad you asked. To understand, you need to look back to ancient times, also known as the 90s. She originates from a game called Mortal Kombat.
Recently, I have been playing this game called Mortal Kombat. If you have never heard of it, go fuck yourself in the corner where everyone else is fucking themselves. The first Mortal Kombat was the first game to be rated M, which obviously means it is the best fucking game in the whole fucking universe. I say nay to T rated Street Fighter! Dead or Alive is rated M, but it is just a collection of, well obviously, the biggest, largest, hugest fan base of the most fucking racist fucking homophobic fucking stupid 12 year olds in the whole fucking universe. Oh, wait. That's Call of Duty. But I digress. The game has many... sexy male fighters... stop it Lennon, you're not going to win at... making nude textures for all the male fighters so I can look at their big... GET THE FUCK OUT! Hold on again people.
This time I have strapped Lennon in not one, but two straitjackets.
Anyway, the game has many female fighters with revealing clothing. If this sounds like Dead or Alive to you, put your head in the toilet and drink your own piss. My favorite character is Kitana, because of her huge, large, gigantic, character development.
Okay, now this chapter can... be filled with gay furry Rule 34. I love looking at gay furry Rule... Fuck! Hold on one more time.
Okay, Lennon is in a water chamber. I doubt he can get out now. Let's start this chapter, shall we?
Well, I finally escaped my basement and knocked out John Lennon. I entered that cryptic message in the last chapter. Once I finished, the one you would all expect, Boogerman appeared on my screen. He farted out Herobrine. Herobrine challenged me to a million billion trillion quadrillion quintillion sextillion septillion gazillion zillion jillion matches in a Mortal Kombat Project game. I won, obviously.
After winning, Herobrine admitted defeat and said to me, ".noitcelloc emag oediv wen ruoy yojnE"
Knowing this was exactly what he did when he caused this curse, I immediately went outside to get my package.
I brought it inside, opened it, and to my surprise, a huge, large, gigantic flat screen TV popped out. Since I had no room for this monstrosity, I beat it with a baseball bat complete with peanut butter and jelly.
Its digital ass is burning in Hell now.
In that same box were stupid games like Half-Life and The Last of Us. I then found all of the Mortal Kombat games, such as Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3 and Mortal Kombat Armageddon. I played each game until I got to the last game in the box: Mortal Kombat: Huge, Gigantic, Jiggly Breasts. "What a stupid name", I thought to myself. "Who would want to play as chicken breasts?"
I booted up the game. It was developed by HYPER REALISTIC STUDIOS, and was published by Puffin Books. I got to the start screen. I decided to start arcade mode. All of the fighters from previous games were there, but there was one new one. This particular fighter... was a sexy naked male fighter with a big... HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET OUT?!?! Hold on people.
Okay, I have performed an ancient ritual and now John Lennon is trapped in Dimension 938, home of the Potato Burger.
The fighter was a flesh covered top of the Capitol Building. It had the name: DumbassImA666CurseLastName13.
Since this was a new character, I chose it. Once I did, to my surprise... a big dick appeared on my screen and... GOD DAMMIT LENNON YOU RUINED THE JOKE! Fucking hold on people!
Lennon is now in Dimension 959/0 which means he has been destroyed by a time paradox.
Now that Lennon has ruined the SKELETON joke, I am forced to be unfunny. Really, this probably just stopped me from starting my comedy career. FUCK YOU LENNON!
Anyway, I played as this character and killed Shao Kahn. My character was sent to a Hell level. At the end, my character fought Bowser. Toad thanked me and sent Princess Kitana to me.
The first thing I did was stare at her large, huge, gigantic big breast-ed chickens that she was holding. She slapped my face and ran off.
I attempted to chase her, but I was stopped by George Washington and his accomplice, Al Capone. I shot at them with my rocket propelled machine bayonet grenade launcher and killed them.
I chased Kitana all over the world until I got back to where I started. Sammy Harbors was in my house. Kitana and I knew we had to kill this menace. We did, but John Lennon killed her. Okay, she never became mai hot waifu, but I can dream, can't I bitches?
So, that's... why I decided to go straight because no gay... HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU ALIVE?!?!... You sent me to dimension 959/1 not 0... DAMMIT!
So guys, until next time... I am homo.... No Lennon. Don't fucking post th
Chapter 5: Friendship is Magic
I will forever hate the My Little Pony fandom for what they did to me.
This dumb show on Hub called My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, which premiered in 2010, has gained a large following in the past few years. The funny thing is, most of the fandom is either six year old girls, or middle aged men, making the fandom the second worst fandom, just under the Sonic fandom. These so called "bronies" created a website called Equestria Daily, where they can talk endlessly about the show, make disgusting fan art, and talk about Rainbow Dash obviously being lesbi- er, I mean making strange fanfictions like... Cupcakes. I literally cannot eat cupcakes again. Anyways, this is my experience.
So, after I got over the loss of mai hot waifu Kitana, I decided to write a hate letter to Equestria Daily:
Dear Equestria Daily,
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS??!!!!!!!!!?!?!?! My Little Pony is meant for little girls, not for overweight men! Stop fucking cosplaying as Twilight Sparkle, and cosplay as something manly like Chuck Norris or Alex Mason! Don't even cosplay as Chuck Norris because we all know that you don't cosplay as Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris cosplays as you! Unless you're in Soviet Russia, then you cosplay as Chuck Norris. Stop making disgusting furry fanart! We know Rainbow Dash is a fucking lesbian, everyone fucking knows that! Don't emphasize that through repulsive art! I'm beginning to think you guys are worse than Sonic fans, Homestuck fans, Whovians, and Trekkies combined! You should be ashamed of yourselves! Try watching something manly like the Matrix or DragonBall Z! Hell, even Pokemon is okay! This brony trend needs to stop!
Hugs and Kisses,
(Insert Name Here)
I thought it was pretty good, and I was high on pot, so I sent a nude picture of a bowl of fruit with it.
Later that night, I got an email from Equestria Daily. I opened it, and to my surprise, A SKELETON POPPED OUT!
Just kidding.
The email said:
In 1759, a woman in a well fought Darth Maul to the death. She obviously lost. Her corpse was not found until 1899 by Beowulf. It had decayed and looked like a Minecraft block. It was displayed in the Museum of Fake Stuff and Alien Shit in 1903. In 1987, it had disappeared. If you do not send this to 100 random strangers in the next 4 seconds in a heavenly outhouse, she will partner with John Lennon and haunt you forever, and your precious Derpy will not save you. This is Mega Man and Rush signing out. I'm just saying shit now.
Knowing this was complete and utter bullshit, I sharted on my laptop and went to bed.
I woke up the next morning and my house was unorganized. My bed was in the living room, my sink was in the basement, and my oven was in the desert. But I knew something was weirder: my socks were not in alphabetical order!
After I carefully put my socks in order, I heard the doorbell. I opened the door, and I saw Herobrine. He was with Discord and Stalin. He put down a package and disappeared. It said "Fucking dumbass I'll kill you you son of a bitch".
"I better open it", I thought to myself.
I opened it, and to my surprise, Derp and Derpina herped the derp out! I derped them into my basement.
I herped and derped them to death.
Also, there were vidya gaems in the box. There was My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic 2, My Little Pony: Trouble in Equestria, My Little Pony: Lesbian Pegasus Pony Whatever the Fuck, Fluttershy's Revenge, The Equestrian Massacre, Chuck Norris vs Discord, Bronies vs Furries, Freshly Picked Apple Jack's Rosy Appleland, Zero Dark Pony, Ponymon Purple, Ponymon Pink, Ponyzilla: Pony of Ponies, Call of Pony: Modern Ponyfare, Pony Wars, The Legend of Spike, Rarity's Dream Land, Star Pony, Killer In-pony-stinct, Banjo-Pinkie, PonyShock, PonyShock 2, PonyShock Friendship, Pony Emblem: Shadow Unicorns and the Blade of Equestria, The Pony-trix, and Half-Life 3.
I played all the vidya gaems on ma exbox 1. Except Zero Dark Pony. A plaid that on ma Nintendo Developer System City Boy.
Once I got to Half-Life 3, the title screen had a bunch of HYPER REALISTIC poopy phones.
I passed that off as a glitch.
Later in the game, Gordon Freeman was killed by G-man. The "Mane Six" showed up, and helped Laserbeak suicide G-man. Spike and Spyro flew in, and everybody was sent to a Hell level. At the end, Justin Bieber killed them all. John Lennon and the mid 1700s woman showed up on my screen. They told me they took control of Derpy.
I knew I had to get Derpy back. I called the assistance of my good friend Ben and asked him to get Herobrine to send Discord to me.
He did, but Sammy Space-Time stopped us. "I am mostly like Pinkie Pie. Please give me a robust description of the pony you are mostly like", Sammy said. I shot him in the throat.
Discord freed Derpy and teleported back to Herobrine. Derpy killed the mid 1700s woman. John Lennon escaped, but not before saying "Paul is dead man, miss him, miss him."
I fear for my life, but at least I have Derpy with me now.
Fuck the bronies.
UPDATE:
Hey guys, I just got a game in the mail called Luna and I'm going to play it right now. Well, it looks great even though there are ponies because it's a platformer and now I'm 27 seconds into it and OH MY GOD!
Chapter 6: The Murder of SammyClassicSonicFan
This is a cautionary tale to you all. Do not make the mistakes that I have made.
You might have noticed this kid named Sammy in this pasta. He goes by many names, including SammyClassicSonicFan, SammyTanookiGamer, Sammy Harbors, Sammy Thomas, MultiMarioSonic, SammyofHyrule, SnoopyFlyingAce64, and SammyPaperMarioFan. He has gone through some tough things, like his doxing. He has written stories like Sammy Space-Time, Sammy's Super Sonic Adventure, and Skylar Space-Time. He has many friends on Google Plus, who are arguably all white knights. But he is most popular for his DOOS EX rant. That is where my story began.
I've been a nostalgic dumbass lately and have been playing all of my haunted games. Well, I never made it past Skylanders: Giants, but still, I made an effort. When I started up the game, I of course had to sit through Sammy's DOOS EX rant.
Once it finished, I yelled "Fuck you!", but instead of Sammy's head being impaled by a spear, he stared at me and said "You do not know what pain and suffering you are about to experience."
I tried to shut the game off, but it showed a HYPER REALISTIC BLOODY screen with the words 'Watch the DOOS EX rant now.'
I went to my computer and watched it.
When it started, I was sucked into an inter-dimensional plane of nothingness, but then a figure appeared before me. "You are about to be sent to May 30, 2013. You have a choice of what item to bring with you: A cheeseburger, The Holy Derp, Issue #1 of Batman, or the Sammy Space-Time novel."
"The cheeseburger please.", I said.
"Fucking dumbass. Take the damn novel.", said the figure.
I took the novel, flipped off the figure with my foot, and was sent to May 30, 2013. When I got there, it felt very weird. This was the day that I finally fa- uh, maybe I shouldn't say, you know, to keep this family friendly. Anyways, I started my fucking stupid family fucking friendly trek to the darkness that is Sammy's house.
Along the way, I encountered evil things such as werewolves, zombies, rabid squirrels, and Rick Santorum.
I finally got to Sammy's house, and I heard a voice say, "Kill the child."
So, by swiveling my foot, I turned into Ultra Hyper Super Master (Insert Name Here). What, I practice Super Kwon Jutsu during my free time. It's a legit martial art. It's not like John Lennon made it up. DUH!
I blew up Sammy's house. I could hear his last words: "It's a frickin' Minecraft clone!"
The voice said something again, "Good, good, hahahahaha bitch!"
And just like that, I was sent back to July something, 2016.
If this is starting to sound less like a creepypasta and more like a self insert, than you're fucking insane and you should jump off a building, kill yourself, come back to life, fight Chuck Norris, die, haunt a family with five small children, and finally burn in Hell, heretic!
When I arrived, the world looked bleak. It was like we were being oppressed! I saw Herobrine, Ben, and Jigglypuff drop off a package at my house. They all disappeared. The package had the words: 'A Remnant of What the World Would Have Been'. I opened the package, and to my surprise, nothing popped out. I knew that I fucked up the world when nothing popped out.
The first thing in the box was a picture of Sammy in March 2014, only he was a SKELETON instead of a living person. I could faintly hear him saying "You did this. You fricking did this, douche."
The next thing in the box was his sword, the Sword of Terracelestial. It was gray with a black gem. I started feeling regret for killing Sammy.
The thing after that was a printed news article. The article was about his Zelda debate with Haley, but instead of the original title 'Weirdness: Two Kids Debate the Legend of Zelda', the title was instead 'Insane Girl Debates Herself Over the Legend of Zelda; Expected to be Put Down Soon'. That's some dark shit.
Another thing in the box was his plans for Sammy the Classic Hedgehog, but many things were different. Sammy no longer had his many forms, but only one form he could become: his dead form. Chloe the Mouse was an emo who cuts herself. Hornitt Koopa is not aware of Sammy's existence, Dr. Drake M. Digital is dying in the video game world throughout the game, Macy the Dog-ephant is evil, and Daddy Virus doesn't exist. He was replaced by me, along with a mysterious figure labelled E.E. I wondered what that could mean.
The final remnant was a plan to develop a machine that could make a video game character come to life. Oh, all of the waifu possibilities.
At that moment, my friend Vladimir Putin (who apparently dropped out of office and became my friend due to this alternate timeline) broke through my door to inform me that anyone named Rick is going to be executed today.
"Thank God, Rick Santorum is finally getting what was coming to him.", I said.
"But you do know this means Rick Astley will be killed, right?", Putin said.
"Oh God, we need to stop this alternate timeline right now.", I said.
"Alternate timeline? Are you doing ecstasy again?", asked Putin.
"Look Putin, I was forced to kill this kid named SammyClassicSonicFan, which caused this timeline. If I hadn't, you would still be in office and pass an anti-gay law in late 2013. Just trust me.", I said.
"Fuck you. I'm just helping you now to get back into office.", Putin said.
"Okay, you hate me and I'll hate you soon. We're off to a good start. Now look at this box. This is what we need to fix this timeline. Oh, and we need this novel, too. So, first we need to go to the video game world. Luckily, my haunted video games can't be destroyed by a time paradox, so let's play these vidya gaems!", I said.
Putin and I sat down and played Skylanders: Giants, Super Smash Bros. Brawl, Super Smash Bros. I Herd U Liek Mudkipz, SonicCursed666GottaGoFastFictionalTeleporterGameLifeDestroyer Revision 13, Mortal Kombat: Huge, Gigantic, Jiggly Breasts, and Half-Life 3. What? You didn't think that I played the Smash Bros. and Sonic games? Please, I downloaded the ROMs off of a shady website.
After finishing, we teleported into the video game world. We killed everyone and everything in sight, except for Mega Man. He's now my personal bit- um, I mean he joined us.
Next, we searched for the legendary Fire Mario Backpack. Of course, we found it.
Next, we visited Mount Sinai Hospital, Haley's final resting place. We all prayed hard for her to come back. She did, but only in spirit form. She also joined us.
If this sounds like a self insert, you are a heretic who will burn in Hell.
The next thing we did was build that machine. We brought the video game characters we wanted to our world. I brought Samus into our world. Oh, I love her so. She is mai new hot waifu. But anyway, Putin brought Nikolai Belinski, Mega Man brought Roll, and Haley brought Link. But one thing baffled us. We heard the all too famous quote "Go Sonichu! Go out and zap to the extreme!" and "I will! Thank you father!". We knew who was coming out: Chris-Chan and Sonichu.
"We need to free Lindsey Williams. She's at the Taj Mahal.", said Chris.
"Who's Lindsey Williams?", asked Haley.
"If you know who BlueSpike is, she's basically Sammy's BlueSpike.", I said.
"Let's go then.", said Samus.
We ventured to the Taj Mahal, when we found the evil witch Mary Lee Walsh. Or Slaweel Ryam if you want to get all technical about it.
We defeated the witch, and got to the Taj Mahal. There, Lindsey was waiting for us. Suddenly, GUN robots led by Mariotehplumber attacked us and killed Chris and Sonichu. I helped Lindsey out, and the robots were destroyed, along with Mariotehplumber. We had a funeral for Chris and Sonichu.
The last thing we had to do was go back to the 1950s. We were about to do that when we were stopped by a tired Miku Hatsune who wanted to help.
We travelled to the 1950s. When we got there, we were greeted by Mugs Nanigans. He challenged me to a fight. I beat him with my combination of the Mantis fighting style, falcon punches, hadoukens, shoryukens, and the Soulja Boy dance.
"He's so brave." Samus said to herself.
When I won the fight, I saw Sammy's soul lingering. I went up to talk to him, but he ran away. I chased him until he disappeared. In his place was a Nintendo 64 with a game titled 'The Solution'. I started playing the game. The title screen had the numbers 666, 4, and 13 on the screen.
I passed that off as a glitch.
I played as DaltantheRapist. The game's boss was McNibbler. I defeated him with ease, but when I won, we were all sent to the day of Sextober 75, 6832. Not even a fucking Hell level. Anyways, a war was being fought between the White Knights and the Rick Knights on the planet Mobius. McNibbler and Elise Renae led the White Knights, and Oglooger and Mr. Troll led the Rick Knights.
We hid from the action, but Link decided to be a dumbass and charged into battle, only to get killed.
"We need to kill McNibbler and Elise Renae. Then the Rick Knights can win.", I said.
"Okay. Putin and I will create a distraction, possibly sacrificing ourselves. Then Miku, Haley, Mega Man, and Roll need to kill all White Knights in sight. Finally, you, Samus, and Lindsey need to sneak up behind the two leaders.", said Nikolai.
"Okay. Let's move!", I said.
Nikolai and Putin were killed, and so was everyone else. The only ones left were Samus, Lindsey, and me.
Lindsey was shot down, but Samus and I successfully killed McNibbler and Elise Renae. The Rick Knights finally won. Our victory was short lived however, because an entity killed them all.
"You have finished. I am impressed.", said the entity.
"Who are you?", I said.
"I am Evil Ethan!", the entity shouted. "I will kill you now to restore peace to the world."
I held Samus' hand.
"If we are killed, I want to be killed while holding you.", Samus said.
I held her hand tighter as Evil Ethan's fist headed right toward us. Upon the impact, our lives were over, and peace was restored.
How am I writing this if I am dead, you may ask? Well, I am allowed one message from the death realm to the living realm before I am stuck forever. I am now with my girlfriend, yes, I am not going to be immature about her being mai hot waifu, Samus.
Let this be a warning: do not hate on Sammy and then watch his videos, because this just might happen to you, especially if you are a heretic who thinks this is a self insert.
Chapter 7: Kyaa! Kawaii Watashi Wa Baka Iku Desu!
Hey assholes, I'm back. What, I'm not dead anymore. Me and Samus materialized again through some weird and painful process that involved Polybius and a threesome with Hitler. Anyways, we materialized in Japan, home of the perver- oh, I mean anime. This is my story, this time without any John Lennon references. Fuck.
Once Samus and I materialized, we decided to go on a Japanese message board for no discernible reason. What we saw was horrifying. There were weeaboos everywhere!
If this term offends you, grow the fuck up. And I know I'm not a weeaboo because my girlfriend is a character from a Japanese video game and a manga.
I saw terms like baka and waifu everywhere. Worst of all, these people were using Google Translate to translate their posts! For example, when translated from Japanese back to English, the phrase typed said this:
Giants, right: Anyone Know Skylanders? It is a game to buy figurines of these high you put this portal thingy. I think Oh, me too, that there is a plot.There is not much time left. Pee pee has a hyper realistic some, I have to follow my monster hyper realistic some. You need to talk about this before with a lovely hedgebabies very much demise.I my! hedgebaby that you could ask What? I'll explain it to you in this experience hyper-realistic had.Hello everyone I. I am pleased to communicate with you again in the end. It was killed by John Lennon just dance hot waifu Kitana. Six questions, all of you be a hate My Little Pony fandom for what they did to me.This forever you know are sprouting up in cute heads.I my own It is a cautionary tale. Please do not make the mistake I made.
Upon closer inspection, you can see that these are all of the intros of my previous chapters. Fuck, the weeaboos know about me. It's only a matter of time before yaoi of me and John Lennon starts pouring in.
I decided to plan a counter strike. I started talking about CoD: Ghosts and Slim Jims, and posted a picture of Adam and Eve in order to cleanse these people of their evil ways. They completely attacked me! They said I should play Final Fantasy VII and eat pocky. They told me that my kind isn't welcome, and posted yaoi of me and John Lennon. Told you.
I pissed and defecated on the computer, and then I urinated and shat on the same computer.
Samus came up behind me and handed me a package. The word 'Escape' was written on the side of it. I opened it, and to my surprise, two girls popped out! Also, there was one cup and- OH GOD! IT WAS FUCKING HORRIBLE!
I can't put anything here because it was so traumatizing.
Also, there was a big ass airplane in the box. Samus and I boarded it, and Herobrine greeted us. "?huh ,egakcap a reviled t'nod I hcihw ni atsapypeerc eno evah ot doog leef tsum tI", he said.
He teleported to the COCKpit and the plane took off.
So we sat down, and we were greeted by Sonic.exe. He said something about how peanuts are healthy and threw about twenty packs on us. Then he called me a baka and said Samus was kawaii before he ran off. We finished eating, and Mutahar appeared and started fapping to DETH TRUMPET. Finally, we were given hentai to read. Hentai on an airplane. What if children were here?
We finished reading, when all of a sudden, an Apple Pippin fell onto my head! Also, a game called LOL, LIMEWIRE, appeared in my pants. I put the game in, and to my surprise, a SKELETON POPPED OUT!
Just kidding.
The game started as Misfortune.GB, but flashed to Ben's face halfway through the game.
I passed that off as a glitch.
After the jumpscare, the LOL, LIMEWIRE video appeared.
"Do what you want 'cause a pirate is free. YOU ARE A PIRATE!", it sang.
At the end, a new game started. I had the choice of three characters: Matthew Patrick, James Clement, and Mutahar Anas. I tried to choose Matthew Patrick, but the game wouldn't let me. I tried to choose James Clement, but the game shouted in a HYPER REALISTIC voice "Fucking eligere Mutahar vos piece of shit! Quomodo ego adepto adhæsit inportunitatem tibi cunnus!"
Mutahar, still fapping, said "Choose me, idiot."
Upon choosing Mutahar, I heard the words "HEY GUY IT'S MUTAHAR AND YOU'RE GOING TO DIE FUCKER!"
Then Trxkil punched me for referencing Haunted Gaming Lost Episode.
I played as Mutahar through all of the levels of the game. All five of them. At the end, virtual Mutahar stared at the screen and got a sex change.
Mutahar, who just stopped fapping, said, "I got a sex change in a video game? Better jump out this window!"
He jumped out the window over the Pacific Ocean. His last words were, "Fuck the haters! I'm playing with my junk while taking a selfieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
In the game, Mutaharia was sent to a Hell level. At the end, she murdered Kim Jong-un.
Mutaharia popped out of the screen with Darth Maui and Spyra the Dragon and challenged us to a duel in the name of the weeaboos.
Where was Derpy at this moment, you may ask? Well, she and Discord had some... stuff to do.
We were almost certainly doomed. That was when I heard a pedo- uh, I mean Obi-Wan Kenobi say, "Use the Force, (Insert Name Here)."
I used the Force to grab a Sonic Screwdriver and murdered the fuck out of those dumbasses. Their final words were, 「私たちはweeabooマスターを失敗しています。」
After that, we finally landed in the United States, where Sammy greeted us by saying, "Frick you!" Sammy ran off to his home.
Well, I'm at my house now, with the comfort of my video game girlfriend, Samus. There is just one question that has not been answered: How the fuck did Mutahar jump out the window when airplane windows don't open?
Chapter 8: The Beatles: Rock Band
Fuck, John Lennon is back. This time with his band of bitchy assholes. Those cunts would have never been here if it weren't for this fucking game that I played.
Lately, I have been watching lots of pr0n, mostly of- oh shit. What the hell am I doing? My hand is going crazy.
Anyways, I have been playing music games like Rhythm Heaven and Guitar Hero. Gfghfucufjcj. What the hell? My hands were just jerking off invisible dicks for some reason.
Well, one day, I was watching Game Theory when a page opened up on my laptop. It was Internet Avenger. I put my balls on it and won instantly.
My computer grew arms and legs. He called himself "P3N15" and challenged me to a street fight. I used a hadouken and fucking murdered him into a million tiny pieces.
He said in his dying breath, "I have a package from someone you know well." His index finger piece touched his dick piece and died.
I heard a knock on my door, even though I was outside. I broke into my house and answered the door.
Herobrine was there with Solid Snake and the Almighty Helix Fossil. He handed me a package with a turd on it.
"I wonder what could be in here.", I said to myself.
I opened the package, and to my surprise, a knife popped out! It stabbed me in the head, and I died.
UPDATE: What the fuck is wrong with my hand? I blacked out and woke up to a new paragraph about me dying. My fap hand is failing me.
Anyways, on to the chapter.
I opened the package, and to my surprise, a paper about the meaning of life popped out! I read it out loud:
The meaning of life is rainbows, flowers, and making fun of gay people. Watch a funny video, kill religious people, hold grudges over petty things, and DOWNLOAD THE FILE!
Aw, fuck. I wrote this paper to a crush of mine and got disemboweled by her because she hated me so much.
I jizzed on it and hit it with the goddamn homerun bat from Super Smash Bros.
I hope she finds it and realizes what I think of her now.
Yes, I love her so much and want to cheat on Samus- THIS GODDAMN HAND!
Also, there was a vidya gaem in da box. It was called The Beatles: Rock Band. "What could possibly go wrong?", I said to myself.
I put da vidya gaem inta ma PlaStayshun nainetey milleonn and startd plain itttt.
Samus walked into the room. "Can I play with you?", she asked. I know, that sounded very fucking wrong. But anyways, I let her play. We took turns playing songs like... songs by the Beatles. DUH! But there was one song called "Can You Feel the Sunshine?" We played it, and the screen flashed to an image of Kurt Cobain.
I passed that off as a glitch.
We beat the game 100%, when, to my surprise, a SKELETON POPPED OUT!
Just kidding.
John Lennon, George Harrison, Paul McCartney, and Ringo Starr appeared on the screen. They said, "You have played this game and thus allowed us into your world, bitch!"
"What? John Lennon was a member of the Beatles? I thought the Beatles were Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, Harry Styles, Vanilla Ice, Frank Sinatra, and Flo Rida.", I said.
"Wow, you're more of a fucking dumbass than we thought. But now, you're going to die.", they said in unison.
I'M SCARED
What the fuck? Anyways, they hopped out of my screen. They descended to Hell with us. They took out their lightsabers. Samus and I took out our shit rays. We shot them with shit, but it did nothing.
I had a flashback to my first adventure. My Rottweiler would be burning here right now. I shouted, "Shit Piss Fuck Cunt Cocksucker Motherfucker Tits, here boy."
He came over, and I ordered him to attack. He did, but Lennon cut off his head. He said, "We have a stronger force to kill you." Mutahar appeared.
HEY GUY IT'S MUTAHAR AND YOU'RE GOING TO DIE FUCKER
Trxkil emerged from my TV and emasculated me for my continuous references to Haunted Gaming Lost Episode.
Oh, now I remember why my arm is fucked up. Mutahar is inside it. Great.
So I fought Mutahar to the death, except it wasn't to the death. Instead, he teleported into my arm while I had a random fap session. I ascended back into my home, but the Beatles took Samus hostage in Taiwan.
So, if you liked what you saw, then like, comment, and subscribe. This is me Mutahar and I am out.
Chapter 9: Herobrine Adventures
Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit! Have I got some news for you cunts! Herobrine is Adolf Hitler! How do I know, you may ask? Well, I'll tell you in the second paragraph.
After typing the last pasta, I recited an ancient chant that took Mutahar out of my arm. When he got out if my arm, he said "You'll never find Samus you piece of shit!" He thrusted out of my house.
That very night, I was watching Mereana Mordegard Glesgorv when I heard a knock on my door. I fucked the door open. It was Herobrine.
"?em pleh uoy lliW .rewop gniniag si iloN dna won xolboR syalp enoyrevE .tfarceniM dennab dna hctoN dellik tsuj evah seltaeB ehT .pleh ruoy deen I", Herobrine asked.
"Why would I help you?", I said.
"!reltiH flodA yllaer ma I esuaceB", Herobrine said.
Four choices appeared in front of me:
Awesome, dude.
Aw, sick. I can't believe I had sex with you to come back to life!
*Fuck*
*Violently Grab Penis*
I smashed it with a hammer. I mean, what the fuck am I, Commander Shepard?
Anyways, I accepted. That was when Slenderman and his proxies appeared.
I said "Go pound sand!" and they got sad and left.
We ventured out to the subterranean headquarters of the Beatles. Paul McCartney was waiting for us.
"Where the fuck is that cunt John Lennon, bitch?", I politely asked.
"In Taiwan, with your bitch, Samus.", he said back.
"She's not my bitch!", I shouted. I shot at Paul with my plasma gun, but he disappeared.
Herobrine and I figured that we would need to lay low for a while, so we decided to go to the Nazi Strip Club. That was when we saw Mutahar making it rain on Mel Gibson.
"What the-". I was cut off by some asshole who knocked me out.
I woke up hours later in an interrogation room. A figure appeared. It was PewDiePie.
"How's it going, bro? My name's PewDiePie! What the fuck are you doing here?", he said.
"Just doing what I always do, drinking beer and oh, wait. I swore off beer when I sacrificed that goat to Ebony "Enoby" Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. Fuck you and all your kin!", I said.
"Jag ska knulla mörda din röv! Unless... you watch Mutahar and Mel Gibson have intimate relations.", PewDiePie said.
"Oh fuck no!", I yelled.
I had to sit in my chair for hours watching Mutahar and Mel Gibson fucking, sucking each other's dick, and watching Twilight. I eventually broke out.
I walked back into the club, where I saw Herobrine penetrating Lara Croft.
"She's not hot. Go fuck a hot girl like Rosie O'Donnell.", I said.
"?dratsab ,setunim evif rof pu kcuf eht tuhs tsuj uoy naC", Herobrine said.
I walked out of the club when I saw a pimp walking down the street. Upon closer inspection, it was Bob Ross, you know that guy from the Joy of Painting. I saw someone behind him. It was *sigh*, Mutahar.
Herobrine came out of the club.
"We've got to get out of here!", I said.
We ran away, when a package fell from the sky. The words "Minecraft fucking sucks" were on it.
I opened it, and to my surprise, Kasumi from Dead or Alive popped out! I said, "Go fuck yourself and die!" She did.
That bitch is burning in Hell.
Also, there was a vidya gaem in da bocks. It was called "Le Nazi Conspiracy". It was for the Nazi Strip Club 666 Outlet 13. Luckily, we were at the 13th strip club in the Nazi 666 chain so we put the gaem in.
The title screen had a man who called himself "Masturbation". He told me about this war that was going on between the Soviets and the Nazis and that I had to save the Nazis. Masturbation then fucked himself to death.
I passed that off as a glitch.
My character was Adolf Hitler. The gameplay was like Bubsy 3D, which is the best gaem evarrrrrrr!
The final boss was Josef Stalin bleeding HYPER REALISTIC BLOOD! I killed him in one hit.
The screen flashed to dead cows and ninjas in a toilet. It told me a great danger was coming. I smashed the game. Bob Ross and Mutahar appeared behind me.
"Get off our turf, moron.", Bob Ross said.
"You seven year old virgin go play Skylanders!" I yelled. "What the fuck is Skylanders?", Mutahar said. Little did he know that this would be the last thing he would say.
I sliced Bob Ross up with a bayonet and shot Mutahar in the face, where I left him to die.
We ran to the airport and forced our way onto the plane. Then, to our surprise, a SKELETON POPPED OUT!
Just kidding.
We hijacked the plane and flew to Taiwan. When we landed, where we were greeted by the Beatles.
"Where the fuck is Samus?", I yelled.
"It doesn't matter, you'll never find her.", John Lennon said.
"Fucking hand her over.", I said.
"Oh, I'm afraid we can't do that. Noli, Mutahar, kill them.", George Harrison said.
Mutahar was back once again with a cyborg body and a robot voice. He also had a sub machine gun. "You little shit, you hate Bob Ross and you jaywalk. I'll fucking kill you!", he said.
I looked to my right and said, "We need to say 'Mutahar, eat a dick' 3 times. Ready? Mutahar, eat a dick. Mutahar, eat a dick. Mutahar, eat a dick!"
Mutahar said, "Oh, man!" and exploded.
Herobrine was fighting Noli. Noli tried to buttfuck him, but Herobrine overpowered him and gave him a shot of heroin. Noli died in minutes. We had one goal now: Save Samus and bring back Minecraft. Which is actually two goals, but fuck it.
We fought off John and Paul, but Ringo and George ran to the mechs. Knowing I had no other options, I swiveled my foot and- well, you know the drill. They exploded out of sheer terror. I finally rescued Samus and Herobrine brought Minecraft back online with the new Nazi update. We all went back home.
I got back home a listened to N.W.A., and everything was fine.
Well, I know one thing after experiencing all of this: Derpy doesn't give a fuck about me. Fuck you cunts and goodnight.
Chapter 10: Robotic Operating Buddy (This Chapter is Fucking Boring)
Wow, John Lennon must have hit a new low. I mean, he didn't even fucking try with this thing he sent to kill me.
Well, I was groping Samus when my computer volume suddenly turned up to 100 and Shrek is Love, Shrek is Life was playing. When the video finished, Herobrine appeared on the screen. He said, "Just take the fucking package. I'm not going to even try anymore."
I went outside to get the package. It said nothing on the box because Herobrine was too lazy to write something. I opened the package and to my surprise, a fucking sock popped out.
Alright? A sock popped out, and I put it on my fucking foot you cunts!
Also, there was a Virtual Boy in the box. The Virtual Boy started talking to me, but I smashed it with a hammer. The next thing in the box was a R.O.B. controller with Stack-Up and Gyromite.
I plugged in my NES, and I put in Stack-Up. Stack-Up sucked, so I threw it away and got Gyromite. It also sucked, so I threw that away and locked R.O.B. in the closet. As I did that, R.O.B.'s eyes flashed to beige.
I passed that off as a glitch even though I knew something was wrong.
Later that night, I was watching 'This is the End' with Samus when I heard something fall down, but I thought nothing of it. Then I heard the words, "Dick Prick Fucker Fuck Motherfucker Douchebag!", but being the idiot I am, I kept with my dumbfuckery and continued watching the movie. Then, A SKEL- you know what? Fuck this shit. Fuck all this skeleton shit.
Anyways, R.O.B. appeared and started slowly punching us. And when I say slow, I mean slow. Like, slower than a sloth. That fucking slow.
I powerbombed R.O.B. out of the window and he died. Then, all of the creepypastas ever appeared and tried to kill us. Then, John Lennon appeared and- hold on. I know what you're thinking. "(Insert Name Here), I thought John Lennon exploded." To that I say, John Lennon is a ghost so shut the fuck up, bitch.
So, John Lennon appeared and possessed R.O.B., who grew 9001 feet. Finally, something not boring! I took out an RPG and shot the robot, doing only minor damage. Then I started humping the robot, doing major damage.
Then, R.O.B. exploded into stupid little tiny fucking pieces, John Lennon fled, his anus prolapsing in the process.
Then, the Beatles returned, this time with a phallic mech. The mech shot semen, but we dodged it and nuked it. Then Mussolini appeared and chased the Beatles out with his dick.
Now, I apologize for the short chapter but this week hasn't been that exciting. Peace out morons.
Chapter 11: Nazo za Hejjihoggu
'Sup bitches. Nothing has happened this week, so I decided to post this shitpasta that I wrote. Enjoy.
Hi, you all remember that anime, Sonic X, right? The only Sonic anime that exists? If you do, I'm sure you remember Nazo.jpg, the image that looks like a failed attempt at Hyper Sonic. Nazo also means "Mystery" in Japanese. That seems about right, since nothing is known about him and that image is the only picture of him. Well this is about my experience with a creepy lost episode simply titled "Nazo za Hejjihoggu" (Mystery the Hedgehog).
It all started with this dream that I had. Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Amy, Bean, Sally, Sonia, Shadow, Blaze, and I were hanging out at a park, when suddenly, Mephiles, Ashura, and Wechnia appeared. They killed everyone in the most gruesome and sickening ways possible. For example, Tails was stabbed several times, Mina was hanging from a tree, and Sonic had his organs ripped out and rearranged.
The trio disappeared, and a grayish/silver hedgehog appeared in their place. It said, "This is only the beginning." It then proceeded to laugh as it ripped its head off and mutilated its body.
I woke up, frightened. I looked at the time. 12:43 AM. I tried to go to sleep, but I couldn't. I had the sudden urge to watch Sonic X in Japanese.
I turned on the computer and started watching episodes on YouTube. I enjoyed every second of that show. I watched it non-stop. It took about a week to finish it. I laughed at Sonic's Engrish, and I cried at Cosmo's death.
Then, I found a lost episode titled "Nazo za Hejjihoggu". I was so excited! I clicked on it, and it started normal. It was about Chris going to a funeral for his grandpa. To my surprise, there were characters never before featured on the show: Bean the Dynamite, Sally Acorn, Sonia the Hedgehog, and Blaze the Cat. I was super happy! Those are some of my favorite characters!
I continued watching the episode, and it was very depressing. Cream and Cheese were crying throughout the entire episode, Tails was holding the Seedling left by Cosmo, looking depressed, as the funeral most likely reminded him of Cosmo, and Sonic was acting like a jerk, calling Chuck a bastard and insulting the entire Thorndyke family!
In the last two minutes, Mephiles, Ashura, and Wechnia appeared and killed everyone! Blood was everywhere, and the trio was staring at me! Nazo then appeared, and walked toward the computer screen! He told me "You will never escape, because I AM EVERYWHERE!" At this point, I was freaked out, so I smashed the computer, set it on fire, and threw it across the street.
I thought I was safe, but I was dead wrong. Those final words of Nazo echoed in my head, and I think I see him every time I enter a room.
I know this is where this should end, but it isn't. About a month after this disturbing event, I started playing Sonic Generations. I defeated the Time Eater. The screen then went black.
Nazo appeared, and looked at me. "You know, for a smart kid, that was a dumb move you made when you watched that video", he said. "And now, you will suffer for it."
The television broke. I was left disturbed about what just happened.
Now, I have isolated myself from any technology, thinking Nazo will somehow find me if I use it. But, I'm afraid that isn't enough. He has been threatening me as a voice in my head, saying stuff like, if I don't do a certain thing, he will kill me. I am his puppet, and he gets amused to see me do this stuff for him. I got sent to Juvenile Hall recently because I stole an Xbox 360 and threw it at someone, dislocating his neck and eventually killing him, and it's all because of Nazo.
I know Nazo will try to kill me someday soon, and he's not letting me prepare myself. I'm posting this from my phone to warn everybody. Well, I've had a nice life.
Goodbye to everyone.
UPDATE: I just checked Fang the Sniper's page on Sonic News Network (Sonic Wiki), and it mentioned something creepy in a section called "Useless Information". Don't ask me why it was there, it just was. This is what it said:
Fang the Sniper is FrOm a Game Gear game titled Sonic Triple TroUble. TRouble is bad, if you didn't already know that. If you didn't, then you are duMb. On a lighter nOte, people teNd To fear sHarkS. ALso, the moviE "Finding Nemo" features sharks. Never play with Fire, because iT can kill you. Humans cannot run at Super sonIc speeds. It is impossible. SeGa Game Gear has the word "gear" in it. Did you kNow that? What do you gEt when you mix reD and yellow? Purple! Red and yellow are Not good colors, but purple is A great color! Fang the Sniper is purple. His real name is Nack the Weasel. Did you know that most Call of Duty games have a ZOmbie mode? That's all for today! Goodbye forever.
It may seem stupid, but study it for a minute. You should notice capital letters where they shouldn't be. If you write those letters down, it spells out:
FOUR MONTHS LEFT SIGNED NAZO
I refreshed the page, and Useless Information wasn't there. I'm so scared now.
Goodbye. I'll go burn my phone now.
Wow, talk about a shittypasta! This is why I stopped writing creepypastas. So, until next time, go fuck yourselves.
Chapter 12: The Finale
Well, this is it. It's finally come to this point. My pasta is almost over. I will tell you why right now.
After posting the crappypasta, I heard a knock on my door. I opened the door, and Chris Hansen was at my door.
"Hello, I'm Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC. There are over nine thousand child molesters in this area. Will you help me find them?", he asked.
I joined Chris Hansen's party, with Jerry Springer and Robert E. Lee. We looked for all the child molesters and found them all.
I went home, and when I opened the door, a package fell on my head. This fucking thing said, "End of Days".
"This seems safe.", I said to myself.
I opened the package, and to my surprise, Rick Santorum popped out! I held a gun to his head and shot him.
I'm not going to put a joke here, but seriously, fuck Rick Santorum.
There was also a vidya gaem in da bocks, simplee labuld "Mothafucka.exe".
I got Samus to play the game with me. The game started up. The title screen had EVIL PATRIXXX on the screen, but guess what? I KILLED HIM!
Oh shit, I just broke Rule 4, Rule 4, Rule 4, and Rule 34.
But anyway, the game was a puzzle game where you played as Original the Character. You had to match up dicks with dicks and dildos with dildos.
We finished the game, when a piece of shit popped out if my motherfucking computer! The shit turned into something horrible: Herobrine.exe! He left, and Samus and I decided to play Super Metroid.
Later that night, I was waken up by the sound of an orgy. I waited until it stopped, and when it did, Jeff the Killer, Slenderman, Smile.dog the Rak- wait. That's too sensible. How about this? Jeff the Potato, Suicide Skrillex, SKELETON.exe, PHONE.exe, Shrek.exe, Sonic.exe.exe, Herobrine.exe, Tails Doll.exe Ben.exe, SammyClassicSonicFan.exe, Ridley.avi, John Lennon.exe, Paul McCartney.exe, Ringo Starr.exe, George Harrison.exe, and Exe.exe broke into my house.
Then they disappeared, and a vidya gaem was left in their place. It was called, "FUCK YOU". I figured it was safe.
I put the game in, and to my surprise, A SKELETON POPPED OUT!
Just kidding.
The game was about Gordon Freeman and Chell starting a family. The game wasn't anything special, but then, Dex Dogtective from Foodfight! appeared on my screen and was killed in a HYPER REALISTIC way.
I passed that off as a glitch.
At the end, Gordon Freeman raped and murdered Chell. PATRIARCHY!
As we finished, two new .exes appeared. Cock.exe, a female cat, and Pussy.exe, a male chicken.
If you do not get the irony in that, you are way too innocent and should be playing kick the can or whatever you damn kids do nowadays.
Anyway, they left. We went to sleep again, when I found Chris Hansen standing over me. He unzipped himself and was revealed to be Oprah! She tried to kill me, but I killed her.
The .exes returned, this time with goddamn Mutahar.exe.
Anyway, I defeated them once again. This time, I watched The Wolf of Wall Street with Samus until they returned. Sure enough, they did, this time with EVIL PATRIXXX. The EVIL PATRIXXX I killed obviously wasn't the true EVIL PATRIXXX. Allahu Akbar!
He grabbed Samus and me and said, "MAEK DEM DOTEXXXEZ." I tried to fight back, but my attempts were futile.
Samus became Samus.exe and I became (Insert Name Here).exe.
The first thing we did was kill Derpy for abandoning me. Now, to all of you cunts who have read this shit, Samus and I are coming for all you bitches, so be warned!
FIN.
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