The Tortoise

My family has a tortoise that shits out Uno cards.

So my sister and I were playing Uno and our fucking tortoise just up and yeets over and eats our entire deck of Uno cards? Which is really funny because it took him 3 hours to get to where we were. And we were playing so many rounds. Even when we saw him approaching with utter rage in his eyes, we didn't care. Maybe he'd go somewhere else.

But no. He didn't. The fucker just ate each and every card with such painstaking care that we fell asleep waiting for him to finish. And now he's shitting the cards out EVERYWHERE. Like I literally stepped in a red two this morning, covered in bile and shit. Nasty.

So if anyone has any advice on how to retreive (retrieve? How the fuck do you spell that) the cards and how to sanitize them after that would be great. I don't wanna go to Walmart and get another pack of cards, I'm lazy as shit.

Oh also as you can tell I didn't actually read the story so umm, then a ghost rode on the tortoise's back and said BOO at us really loudly but also very slowly.

Tortoise just shat out a yellow ten. What does that mean?! I guess it means we'll die or some shit.

Anyway, will keep you updated if we die! Also please post on/follow r/thanoschungus I'm begging you. It's my cake day. Wait it's midnight so it's not my cake day anymore gosh DAMN IT.

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Credited to mysticaltater 

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