Toy Story: The Sixth One
In case you haven't already figured this out, you should never use one of those shitty streaming sites from the net.
Just don't fucking do it. I don't know who runs the fuckin' things, but they take just about any copy of a movie they can get without really checking what kinda quality the damn things are in.
I'm a big fan of Toy Story, or at least I was. I'm one of those adults that loves animated movies- y'know, I'm a firm believer that nothing has to be "just for kids" as some people say, especially not Pixar movies. They're expertly crafted works, and....well I could go on about how much of a fan I am, but unfortunately, I'm not here to tell you a positive story.
Like I said, don't use those streaming sites. I'm not proud of the fact that I've done it, but I promise I've quit.
I was trying to watch Toy Story on one such site, y'know, the newest Toy Story 4, and I found it, which is great, but....that wasn't all.
There were 5 Toy Story Movies on the website, and the Fifth One was called..."Toy Story Ü", whatever the fuck that was about.
Now, I've already written about Toy Story Ü before, but, recently curiosity got the better of me and I ended up going back to that site, and discovering something worse than the original.
I found Toy Story Ü 2.
The title of this movie was beyond fucking odd. I still didn't understand why they kept using that weird letter U, but the full title of this one was "Toy Story Ü 2: Shack Sinestro".
The movie had an appropriately fitting cover image of Buzz and Woody standing in front of a dark rotting fucking wood shack, smiling. That kinda disturbed me for some reason.
Well of course I wasn't just gonna walk away.
I played the film.
The movie opened directly on Buzz Lightyear fuckin' exploding in EXTREMELY high detail.
I mean, this shit was GRAPHIC. Tiny bits of green plastic blew fucking EVERYWHERE as Buzz just exploded like a fuckin' Pipe Bomb.
The movie abruptly changed to black and white as the word "Goodnight" appeared in handwritten text and some shitty sad music started playing for Buzz.
The Toy Story Logo appeared.
Just like the first time, I was in utter shock. Not even a minute in and Buzz was fucking dead? Seriously?
We see the other toys at Buzz's funeral, but something was wrong with Woody. His eyebrows were slanted downwards, which made him look REALLY fucking evil, and he had a disturbingly large grin.
"Well, I guess Buzz bit the fuckin' Ü". Woody said, followed by uproarious laughter from the other toys.
What the Hell? Woody would never talk about Buzz like that!
Woody then looked into the screen and said "I guess you're the Ü now, partner", which really horrified me.
The scene abruptly changed to real-life footage of someone cooking pork chops. The screen was filled with so much fuckin' smoke I could barely tell what was going on. Whoever was in the video was taking pork chops and laying them on a grill one by one.
But halfway through, they picked up fucking HAMM instead and SMASHED him over the grill, spewing fucking coins everywhere. Just to be clear here, I mean Hamm the toy, not the meat. Y'know, the piggy bank character. Yeah, he's fucking dead now too.
The scene then changed to barely comprehensible footage of a guy screaming at his cat for shitting on the floor.
I mean, what the absolute FUCK was going on?
Suddenly, Slinky Dog appeared in a dark warehouse SCREAMING horrifying conspiracy theories about Veggie Tales in a Jamaican Accent.
We then see a middle-aged father coming home from work and yelling at his son to quote "turn the fucking computer volume down, Jimshit" before kicking down the door to his room with the force of a fucking bomb and yelling "Hey DOO DOO, turn the fuckin' volume down, jackass!"
But it's not his son in the room.
It's-
Oh fuck no.
It's MR. FUCKING POTATO HEAD AGAIN, sitting in a fuckin' spinning chair watching porn on the computer.
Mr. Potato Head once again had a deep, angry gang member's voice as he said "Hohohoho..Oh.....SHIT......oh, YEAH" before looking at the Dad and mockingly yelling "HEY DOO DOO, TURN THE FUCKIN' VOLUME DOWN, JACKASS!" back at him.
The Dad pulled out a fucking rifle and shot Mr. Potato Head, bursting fucking blood everywhere for some reason.
Then the entire house exploded.
When the smoke cleared, the house, which barely even looked like a fuckin' house now, had been turned into the dark fucking shack from the cover image.
Woody appeared out of fuckin' nowhere and hung a sign that read "Shack Sinestro" from what was left of the door.
I guess that was where the title came from.
Suddenly, some random kid picked up Woody and yelled "REACH FOR THE STARS, WOODY!" to which Woody replied with "Shoot for the Ü" and pulled out a gun, causing the kid to run away screaming.
Was that seriously Woody's catchphrase now? Shoot for the fuckin' U?
Anyway, Woody went inside the shack.
There were broken toys everywhere that kept throwing up fake vomit, which was just really fuckin' gross.
One of them looked like a fuckin' Snoop Dogg doll with REALLY tiny bead eyes.
"Wassup, mothafucka?" He called to Woody.
Woody didn't answer.
"You want some TOY WEED, MOTHAFUCKA?" the Snoop doll said, growing agressive.
Woody still didn't answer.
"YOU DON'T WANT THAT TOY KUSH, MOTHA FUCKA?" the doll practically SHRIEKED as Woody continued to ignore him. Was that actually Snoop Dogg's voice? It sure as heck sounded like it.
Woody finally stopped in his tracks and sighed intensely.
"Hey man, can you SHUT the FUCK up?" he finally SHOUTED at the Snoop doll.
The other toys in the shack were equally weird. There was one that was just a fuckin' paper bag with shitty googly eyes glued on that started fuckin' shrieking when Woody walked by.
But then I realized.
One of the toys was Buzz Lightyear.
"Still alive down there, partner?" Woody said to Buzz in what sounded like the voice of Negan from the fuckin' Walking Dead.
That really creeped me the fuck out. I mean, I guess I'm glad Buzz was alive.
I honestly wasn't sure if Woody was there to save Buzz or just fuckin' finish him off.
"Well Buzz, you're not the Ü anymore." Woody said.
Buzz looked really confused, which I related to on a spiritual level.
"Woody, what the fuck is the Ü?" Buzz asked.
Then Woody took out his fucking gun and started shooting the screen, causing fuckin' gunshot cracks to appear. Obviously, they weren't real, but Woody was trying to shoot the viewer. Woody just kept blasting the fuckin' screen over and over again.
We suddenly cut to a guy dressed as Shrek in the Wine section of some fucking Meijer grocery store tumbling into like 4 fucking shelves at once and bursting a fat shit right through his costume onto some fucking old-ass dude. The video was in a fucking rectangle, like someone had filmed it on an iPhone.
This completely caught me off guard. Did Pixar have the fuckin' rights to Shrek now?
The film was then abruptly cut off by loud static before a fucking commerical started playing for Carrabba's Italian Grill. The camera just kept zooming in as some really fucking unnecessary words began suddenly being shouted alongside a shitty horror track.
We see the fucking Baby Einstein Blue Goat Puppet in the back kitchen mixing fucking weed into ravioli. He kept jerking weirdly and making loud "eh ooh eh" sounds. It was like the puppeteer had Tourette's or something.
He suddenly looked into the camera
and said
"I LOVE DRUGS IN MY PASTA, BUDDY!"
Before SMASHING his face into the weed ravioli at an UNGODLY volume to the rhythym of the fucking United States National Anthem as it played in the background.
The camera zoomed in on his smacking every three beats and there was clearly blood leaking through the puppet's eyes and mouth from the puppeteer's hand.
What was with the fucking Baby Einstein Puppets in these movies? I know Disney had the rights at one point and all that, but I thought they actually lost those. I guess not.
I'm never gonna fucking eat at Carrabba's again after that.
Then Slinky Dog appeared playing a fucking piano somehow and singing "Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen, but he changed all the damn lyrics to be about gang violence and the fuckin' pack of Oreos he left in the fridge. Slinky started drawing what looked like a sideways number 6 on his head for some fuckin' reason before he fucking broke in half, played some HORRIBLE chord on the piano, and died.
What was with the fucking death in this one? How do toys even die anyway?
As if to answer my question, some random fucking rapper burst onto the screen and started rapping about it being time to throw the toys out.
At this point enough was enough. I had to know who made this garbage, and why. I turned off the movie and opened a new tab in my browser.
And, after a few hours of digging, I finally found an explanation.
Apparently the Toy Story Ü movies were made by a group of disgruntled employees as some kind of revenge against Pixar. They wanted to ruin the image of Toy Story to anyone unlucky enough to find the U movies, and frankly, I'd say they succeeded.
I guess it was a relief to know that it wasn't officially Pixar's work, but I'm done with Toy Story for the time being. Maybe a Toy Story Ü 3 exists out there somewhere, but I'm not gonna go looking for it.
So good-bye, Dear Reader, and remember, you've got a friend in me.
Or, y'know, something like that.
Credited to Chimichangar
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