Two World Wars

I had a home invasion last year and it was absolutely terrifying. So much can go wrong so fast that the last thing you want on your mind are things like reliability and stopping power. One minute we were sitting dinner, and before my youngest daughter finished saying grace, a big guy busted down our door and shouted "Crips rule!" pulling a Hi Point out of his And1 shorts.

I immediately pulled my Glock 19 out of the Tupperware drawer and mag dumped into his chest and head. Completely unscathed, he shouted "You almost put holes in my favorite rap band Tshirt and mountain dew rag, dawgonit!" Fortunately his NON-AMERICAN MADE gun jammed, distracting him long enough for me to pull out my all American 1911 and give him the ol' double tap. The first round vaporized him, leaving nothing behind but a smoking pair of Timber-Land boots. The second round flew through the open door and struck his Escalade (which he likely bought using welfare dollars from Obama) flipping the vehicle through the air like a GTA 5 physics glitch.

Before the cops could arrive, a bald eagle swooped into the kitchen and took the boots, which were the only evidence. As he flew away he whispered "two world wars" and winked at me. The cops came and saw that there was no evidence of the gangster who was a well known shoplifter and part-time knitting enthusiast, so they instead gathered all of my liberal neighbors and made them all clap for me.

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