What does "hero" even mean?
I was a policeman for the Bordurian Police Department's homicide department, and every word in this story is true. I am writing it against the advice of my lawyer, who has assured me that it is a bad idea. I feel that whatever personal problems may arise from it are worth it, however, for the public has a right to know, and as a policeman, I see myself primarily as a public servant.
It was 1968, and Borduria was at war with the hippies. I was doing my normal rounds when over the policeband I hear a call that would change my life forever. "217 in progress at [REDACTED]." I look over to my partner, and a shadow falls over his face, for we had just driven beneath an underpass. When we emerge from the other side, I see that was was once his face is now still his face. I turn on the cherries, and [REDACTED].
When we arrive, the scene is one of unspeakable terror. I never, even in 'Nam, saw anything like it. Bodies were [REDACTED] with a dog [REDACTED] her left asscheek slapped haphazardly against the garage door. [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] an elf with wings and fangs [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] the A&W rootbeer was made of human blood and [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] all the way back to the river. [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] a tentacle through both eye sockets [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] governor [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] nice shoes, now no longer nice, having been burned beyond recognition. I pick up the shoe and look at the size. 10D.
It was then that I knew [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] and, moreover, two men in smartly tipped caps with feline faces.
I can only hope they never find that poor woman's [REDACTED].
Originally uploaded on August 25, 2014
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