Wrestler Nun
Hi, I'm Janey. I'm just a standard, run of the mill, good-time girl who was struck dead by an ostrich running full pelt into her gut. But, don't worry, I came back to life! And now I have special powers or something. By the way, have you heard of nuns? Good. Have you heard of wrestling? Excellent. Because I am Janey. And I am a Wrestler Nun.
Actually, as a kind of side note, I should let you know that before I died, I didn't really know a whole lot about nuns and I know even less about wrestling, so... I'm not saying this story is made up? But the details are gonna appear a little fast and loose from here on out.
Anyway, so I'm friends with this group of badass Wrestler Nuns and we have to wrestle these demons for Jesus. It's kind of like... have you got Netflix? Great. Have you seen GLOW? Cool! It's like GLOW but crossed with Charlie's Angels, only Charlie is Jesus and we're all dressed in the penguin outfits.
Anyway, one day whilst we were praying and working on our abs, Sister Geraldine says to me:
"Sister Janey, have you heard the rumor that the Antichrist is coming to town?"
"No, Sister Geraldine, I have not heard such a rumor. What could it mean?"
"Well, there are old legends of the one they call the Antichrist being some kind of bad man that is not very good friends with our leader, Jesus."
"Sister Dorothina-Camallina will be oiling her muscles over this!"
"Quite so, Sister Janey. Quite so."
This is when the intercom comes on for Jesus to give us his weekly message and, sure enough, our mission this week is to track down and wrestle the Antichrist.
"Sure thing, Jesus."
"That's why we're called Wrestler Nuns after all."
"Ahahaha," Laughed Jesus, "Go get 'em gals."
Me, Sister Geraldine, Sister Esmeralda-McGee and Sister Jumbalya-Barbara-Confuscious practiced our choke slams and clothes lines all through the night. We were pretty sure that when the Antichrist arrived he wouldn't stand a chance... and in a sense... we were right.
So, kind of another side note here, but I'm like running out of steam on this story? So I'm just going to run through it real quick, what went down.
So... the Antichrist was like, totally just a baby, and we wrestled that baby, like, literally to death. Because we thought it was the Antichrist? But babies are super delicate and we were like, four grown-ass Wrestler Nuns. Just pounding away on that little guy. And, what's worse? That baby wasn't even the Antichrist. Yeah... turns out who we thought was Jesus was actually the Antichrist... and he tricked us into killing this baby who was actually Baby Jesus Two, which, I don't know if you're big into religion? But that's like a big no-no.
So, anyway, me and the Sisters are all in jail now, planning to wrestle our way out of here and clear our names. We're all seeking revenge on that fake Jesus guy. We've never seen his face, but we know he drinks and smokes a lot, he's a bit of a womanizer, and has a distinctive belly laugh. We'll wrestle him to justice one day.
Credited to koalazeus
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