Attack of the Bug-Eyed Coat Hanger: Difference between revisions

 

The spaceship's occupant was a female green alien who vaguely resembled Sarah Jessica Parker in her early thirties. She was clad in a white-and-pink sleeveless skintight shirt that left her navel exposed (presumably her race’s way of showing the inhabitants of other planets that she was born from a mother instead of thin air), an Egyptian collar necklace, a pink miniskirt, white ankle-length socks, and black Maryjane shoes with pink high heels (which could explain her pigeon-toed footing and the nickname that I gave her: Goody Two-Shoes). Her hair was hot pink and her eyes were as black as beetles with no irises or pupils. There was also a small silver device strapped onto her left arm by a pink band; it was a nerplex container (if you don’t know what nerplex is, go watch the ''My Favorite Martian'' movie and find out).

 

I stared in awe as the alien exploited her expertise at belly dancing, the mere sight of which gave me a boner. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and I swooned, falling flat on my face to the floor. I watched as it changed from a generic gray color to see-through, showing me a good view of Earth, the Solar System, and the Milky Way as the flying saucer soared deep into the cosmos through hyperspace. A scream of laughter startled me and I got up on my feet. I wish I hadn’t.

Peaking inside the ribcage of the lead coat hanger, I saw a red holographic head where the heart should be. Any projectile that touched it would go through it harmlessly. I asked God to give me a weapon that would be effective against ghosts. And by that, He gave me the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, the only weapon that could decimate whoever or whatever would touch it.

 

 

I did as the Lord had instructed me to do. I removed the Holy Pin, counted to three, and lobbed the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch at the core of the lead coat hanger, obliterating it. The army of living coat hangers stopped dead in its tracks and crumbled into dust. Every Sunday after that, I would go to church and come across a coat hanger identical to the one I had destroyed standing right next to the Clerk’s office. Thankfully, this one isn’t possessed by any ghost from the future.