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"Fine sure. Just don't make me call 911 on you over liking middle school girls." Joe agreed and promised that was the last pervert joke he would make.
First
Ken woke up and found a paper. "Sam died lol."
"Fuck." Ken said and then the swear counter went to explosion. Wow and he wasn't even eighteen yet.
Ken walks to Susan's house and cries. "I fucking love you." Ken declared and they got naked and had wild sex. They forgot protection so she got pregnant.
The next morning Ken walks to home but then sees a man in a purple jacket. "Time to go to my world." He said in inserted a evil in his brain and threw him in a vortex.
Four Years Later
Devimon started flying by and saw a small digimon. "Bye bye." Devimon said and then snapped their fingers and exploded the digimon.
"Can you find Patamon?" Devimon asked a new digimon called Ignitemon.
"No." Ignitemon said and Devimon left them alone thinking they were useless.
Meanwhile at Earth, Joe was on a date. "I love you Sarah." Joe confessed and they kissed. "Want to date?"
"Fuck off." Sarah said and then Joe went home.
"She rejected me." Joe said and ran away to summer camp.
"What is your age?" Eric the head guy asked and Joe said eighteen. "Then you can raise these people for a while."
"Matt is 16, Tai and Sora are fifteen, Izzy and Mimi are 14, and T.K. is thirteen." Joe read and then went to the cabin.
"Let's go on a adventure." Joe told them and then a wave came in and sucked them in.
In a odd world, the group woke up. "We are digimon." Tai's digimon said and then introduced. "I am dinosaur. Gabumon is emo dog. Biyomon is pink bird for LGBT. Tentomon is smart bug. Palmon is living plant. Gomamon is a seal. Patamon is useless."
After this short introduction, Devimon showed up. "I am evil. I am looking for my son."
"Am I your son?" Patamon asked and Devimon said yes. Shocked reactions went everywhere and the group nearly wet their pants.
"I will be taking you." Devimon said and grabbed Patamon. Somebody screamed and ran up to save them but got bitched slapped.
Ignitemon flew in right afterwards.
"I will help you." Ignitemon said and then everybody looked confused.
"I wasn't in the original show but this isn't like the show so it doesn't matter." Ignitemon reminded them and the group started to run to find Devimon.
After several hours of straight up running they found Devimon doing gross stuff to Patamon.
"Hold them tight." Patamon said and then digivolved to Angemon. They held Devimon in a full nelson.
"FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!!!!" Ignitemon yelled as they shot a powerful attack at them and killed them.
"Double kill." The narrator yelled and then there was a thing next to Devimon that started speaking.
"Oh look a new fucking threat. Let's take care of that." Ken who was now evil said this through the small thing that started to speak.
"We have to train." Sora said in a annoyed voice. T.K. left the group for no reason whatsoever.
In the several weeks it took for Ken and their helper JewelBeemon to show up, the group started training like crazy with Ignitemon. "I am a creepy digimon and a potential porn dealer. But I won't ever admit that to you." Ignitemon said and then the training began. The group all had their digimon digivolve and they had new power levels like high.
With T,K. he trained with a man named Gennai. "You need to master the worstbending." Gennai told T.K. and gave him a lightsaber that was a blue one. After all this crazy training T.K. reached a new high level. It had made Matt jealous and Mimi want to get in his pants. He climbed up a mountain and shit and saved some digimon from a dark world and a evil digimon called Dagomon. Oh wait that didn't happen yet sorry.
Ken was with JewelBeemon and they dealt with bugs that tried to seduce them. "I will be your slave if you become my prison bitch." The bug offered to Ken and he screamed as he yelled at them to fuck off.
"NO ONE GETS MY DICK BESIDES SUSAN!!!!!" Ken held his arms up like Vegeta when he yelled this exact chant.
Eventually Ken found the group and laughed at how weak they were. "Really your power level is only like 1,500? Whatever." Ken snapped his hand and then a couple garbage digimon popped up. They were Numemon and around five in all. "These all have the same power level of Devimon."
"This will be one fun party." JewelBeemon said as they held their hand up.
"I got this one." Mimi said with Palmon when they digivolved to Togemon but them they blew up on Palmon and killed them. Mimi cried.
"Togemon's here. No wait Togemon's dead." Tentomon said and cried a small tear. All the digimon digivolved and Tentomon's evolved form Kabuterimon destroyed all the Numemon.
"Hey your Devimon is still stronger than our Devimon. But JewelBeemon is worth 6 Devimon's and I am worth fifteen Devimon's." Ken was telling them in excitement.
"I am a bitch. Ken hates me." JewelBeemon said and the started blowing shit up and annoying everybody with their Trump talks.
Then when JewelBeemon was done they blew up Kabuterimon. Greymon blew themselves up to defeat JewelBeemon but failed. JewelBeemon pumbled Garurumon into submission. Then they destroyed Birdramon with their fire powers bounced back at them.
Afterwards they destroyed Ikkakumon by sending their torpedoes back at them before they exploded.
"That was easy." Ken said and then T.K. came with a crazy power level.
"HOLY SHIT! IT'S OVER 9000!" Ken yelled and threw his digivice down. Then he threw a grenade at JewelBeemon and blew them up as they were asking why Ken did that.
"Because you're annoying and I want to fight him." Ken then took out a read lightsaber and had a duel with T.K. that brought them through the mountains and through all the plains. It ended when T.K. sliced at Ken's back and Ken felt awful for it.
"Fuck off." Ken told T.K. and the group celebrated their victory.
"We don't ever have to see him alive." Mimi was saying happily and then Ken muttered that they were going to see him in the next story arc.
Second Arc:
The group found Gennai walking up to them. "Our digimon are dead." Tai cried and Gennai laughed so hard you thought he was going to start coughing.
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"You save the world. You guys digivolve. Angemon dies. T.K. is jedi. Davis and Daemon team up. Four horsemen rip offs will be evil later. Somebody dies I guess. Female Angemon comes in." Piximon pretty much gave the prophecy as bluntly as that. The group left the place.
That night the group was asleep when Matt was at a lake. He put his head in for no real reason. There was vision. "Oh my god what the fuck is happening?" Matt asked when he realized his dad used to be awesome and fought the D-Reaper until he married his mother who was over thirty years younger than him.
Matt pulled his head out of the water and saw Sora taking a swim. He had the largest boner ever.
Meanwhile with T.K. he was at a priory. He met Bearmon who told him he was special. Then he went to a dark world and saved Shoutmon and saved a village and then did some training met his friend named Davis and apologized to Yolei and said hi to Cody and his mother and his father and then came back to digital world and the went to Metal City to tell them of the invasion and then he fought Valkyrimon and won although he almost died while Shoutmon fought Dagomon and defeated them but lost their own life. T.K. then decided to take Bearmon and introduce them to the group.
While that happened the group found a boat. "Free spa you know you love it." The sign said and the group walked in to get in the spa. Everybody got naked and there was a large fucking digidestined orgy. Which unlike a Sonic orgy where you burn the whole fucker down you record the whole fucker.
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"We wish for Ken to be revived." Tai submitted the wish as the leader and Ken was revived now as a good team member.
"We won't train him." Gallantmon told Gennai who said that he was the best hope. "Find but just you." Gallantmon gave in and there was a celebration.
"Where did Ignitemon and Bearmon go?" Mimi asked in utter confusion and they agreed to let it go. They won't be showing up again lol.
Third Arc:
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It was a place ruled by Myotismon oops that is the villain here. So then the group fought their minions and suddenly found a gate to Earth. So suddenly they went inside with Myotismon soon following.
"We must defeat them." T.K. pointed out the perfectly obvious when they were in a meeting.
"Let's do our own shit to do it." Sora decided and the group split up seven ways.
Meanwhile T.K.'s wheelchaired bound friend Davis found Daemon. Who was secretly a villain prior but soon won't be.
"Davis let's join forces." Daemon suggested as Davis was confused.
"Aren't we enemies?"
"That was a hundred and twenty years ago and besides nobody read Digimon Origins." Daemon said and the two teamed up.
Sora saved a light house from elephants and her mother died from a fire digimon but it was okay since her tag of love glowed when she died. Then she met a gross greasy guy who worked at the lighthouse even though he looked like he was working at fast food and hadn't ever taken care of his acne since he was fourteen and flipped burgers for ten dollars a day and he was like thirty on top of it. "This is how I like my men." Sora said while she was aroused as fuck.
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Afterwards, Ken walked to Susan by. "Hey how is you?"
"I have a son Ken." Susan said and then told him who he was. "He is three years old now. You are the father. His name is Lucas Harold Ichijouji."
"I want to help
Elsewhere, Mimi was at the park. She talked about how she gets off on death and how she wants to die so she can get off twenty ties over. Then she talked about how she likes really old ass dudes. Then she fought a digimon and went home where she found out her father was a sperm donor. He has like a hundred kids lol that fucking idiot.
Elsewhere, Jim Joe's older brother met his friends from the past again. Their names were Koji, Takuya, Zoe and Tommy. He then confronted his girlfriend and found that
Elsewhere, Matt sucked and then found Davis and Daemon who explained there was a rewrite they needed to do. So Davis used a plot convient time machine to go back in time and restart this. Or at least enough time to prevent Izzy from dying and shit. But still somehow keep the events of Kari being born and him learning of his son. It's fucking confusing.
Then afterwards all the group got in a meeting and decided they needed to be more careful now with Matt using his first timeline knowledge to convince them. "Yeah that shit never works." When asked about his wheelchair, Davis explains that he was hit by a car lol and had permanent knee paralysis.
The group did better this second run at least. Davis had his friend Cody come over and he became the Concador. Which is a hero lol. He did some hero like stuff and save the day. "I feel good." Cody said and Davis responded with good. Matt found out about Eddie and his story and was confused as fuck since he was related to Matt which was all like DBZ and shit. T.K. saved a coperate building called Ford INC with the most beautiful monologue ever written.
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Ten months later shit happened again with fourth story arc. Finally we only have one fucking act left Jesus fucking Christ. The group got sent to the digital world to wipe it up.
Fourth Arc:
The group was in the digital world where they saw the Horsemen rip off. "MetalSeadramon, Puppetmon, Machinedramon, and of course the super fabulous Piedmon." The leader Piedmon was saying and then the group was forced to split up like a terrible action movie.
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"But my trash hasn't been taken out." Puppetmon shot out their trash from their you know what and everybody felt gross watching digimon climax. Then Kabuterimon burned them and then Joe with his Ikkakumon harpoon torpedo.
"Nobody cares at all about your trash and you are even more stupid than I thought you were if you think I do." Joe was telling Puppetmon when they were finally dead.
Afterwards Mimi decided to leave because she had become a fucking prep and didn't want to deal with the whole fighting anymore. Joe joined her where he said that he loved her and she said that she liked him but she was a bitch and they didn't get together for the time being which made Joe cry.
"Believe me I think everybody is totally lost in this one. Just as much as you are." Joe was telling Mimi as a supporter and then put his hands on her back like he was trying to provide support for her.
Sudden a metal digimon came in and then fought them but then Joe and Mimi were sincere so their tags glowed and their partners became ultimate form. Leomon came in and Leomon died like usual and Ogremon cried. Joe and his partner killed the metal digimon and Mimi decided to give him a kiss in victory.
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Izzy was walking around and fell into a hole.
"Oh great now I am fucking Alice in Fucking Wonderland." Izzy was saying as he was wiping his dust off of him. He hated that god damn movie because none of it was gothic or cool to him.
In the hole he was working on a design for a dragon. "This must be my moment of glory." He was telling himself the entire time he was working on it. He was just sure of it.
The design was complete after what was probably hundreds of hours and even more hundreds of hours to make the actual dragon and the dragon was made. He then used the dragon to fly him out and flew to a pyramid. There he fought another dragon and with his dragon and his new digivolution from knowledge shit, he defeated the dragon.
"I thought I had a original idea when I made that dragon. I guess I don't. But I showed that my fucking dragon is better than that fucking dragon. So it doesn't matter." Izzy said as he patted his dragon happily. Then the dragon flew him in the direction of the group.
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"Wow this looks like a horrible dystopia. Still better to be in than the world of Pokemon." Tai was saying as he was checking out how awful it was. It was mainly awful because some houses were taken down.
Sudden Machinedramon showed up.
"God fucking damn it. Can we have like one damn moment without a battle? This is getting annoying." Sora complained when she realized this was yet another battle.
"I go you stay no follow." Andromon said and then went to Machinedramon and blew themselves up as a heroic give up. Like if you cried every time.
"That was over climatic." Tai said in sadness and then the group started walking back to where everybody was.
On top of the evil mountain T.K. found Piedmon.
"You are the final asshole to defeat. I can't fucking wait." T.K. said and he took out his lightsaber ripoff while Piedmon took out old style swords.
"I will kill everybody in this digital world. Then once I do it I will make a new world and then try to make it the best to my vision." Piedmon gave off every cliche villain ever as Piedmon made a cut on T.K.'s arm. But then T.K. hit back and that started their sword fight.
"We had come so far and grown so much. Lets never forget this damn adventure." Ken said and made a final toast. Most of them talked as if the events of Matt had never happened. The group went back to human world and partied. Let's just say that it was a total miracle that these people managed to avoid getting arrested for the shit that they had done when they were having their party. Now this story will forever go down in historical archives as the greatest thing fucking ever.
Several years later
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In Davis's bedroom with Daemon (right after the Myotismon battle), Daemon pressed red button on the wheelchair and the Davis in there fell asleep. Showing that the Davis we knew was actually just a clone. Daemon took off their hood and revealed himself to be the real Davis. The difference was that this one had no face. Meaning that his head was just that. He had no eyes or mouth or ears or nose or hair. Literally nothing. “I am God." Davis said and it was then a pretty obvious give away that he was actually the main villain this whole entire story.
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