Don't Play Sonic: Difference between revisions
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My wife gasped and rushed to her purse, tears swelling in her eyes. "I can't believe this... I thought she was getting better!" she whimpered, hurrying out the door.
With that problem out the way, I now have the game to myself. I flipped the power switch on the Genesis and picked up the control. I grinned as the famous title screen appeared. Just as I pressed start, a knock on the door. This better be something important, like girl scout cookies.
"Hi, would you be interested in joining the Church of Babacock?"
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"Dear, please! I still haven't had a chance to play Sonic. I think it's ''you'' who needs to get out of the house."
She gave me a cold-stone stare. "Walton. Out
"I'll call a maintenance guy, then."
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My wife is so used to bossing me around I know she's surprised I'm fighting back. She can't tell me what to do. No one can.
I returned to the living room to attend my gaming, feeling good about winning that argument. "Sorry, Sonic. Nothing can stop us now." I said to the TV. But like my sex life on a Monday night, my personal time with Sonic was short-lived. As I gained top speed at the start of Green Hill, the TV shut off. The breaker box must've blown a fuse. I growled and threw the control out the open window, followed by a dog whimpering. Sorry, Wilmer. I hurried down to the basement, only to see my wife holding a pair of pliers.
"You... Bitch!"
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"Holy shit man, one of the homeless guys is in your car!"
"Asssss!" I yelled while rushing out the door. "It's a coloring book, it's a coloring book!" the old homeless man said while smearing a mysterious fecalized substance on my white car seats. Michael handed me a broom and I shooed the homeless man out of my car.
"God strike me dead, the universe doesn't want me to play Sonic!"
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After I finished scrubbing the seats, I saw a church up ahead the road. I think I need to have a talk with God. I'm too lazy to go in, so I'll just pray from the parking lot. "Father, forgive me for I know not what I do. But why, why must you forsake me from that blue hedgehog?" I clinched my teeth and slammed my fists on the steering wheel after not getting an answer. The seller, my wife, and now God himself won't let me play a 30-year-old game for children. This would be the part where I swallow my pride and move on with my life, but I do too much work for this city to be treated this way. I'm gonna play-through Sonic 1 with the copy I bought and no one will stop me!
I floored the gas pedal, going way above the speed limit. The Babacock worshipers trailed behind, swerving in the wrong lane and nearly getting hit by an ice cream truck. "Gotta go fast." I said as I cut the corner to the homeless area. Steering wheel clinched, I swerved around all the druggies tweaking out in the middle of the road at 80 MPH. The black van behind nearly tipped over as it made a ridiculous sharp turn to the homeless corner. As it sped forward, a tweaker crawled out of a manhole and the Babacocksuckers struck the poor man. Their vehicle spun out of control and struck the light pole where Wilmer lost his virginity. "Ah yeah, this is happenin'!"
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I ran out the front door and checked if my wife hid it under the trashcan. But the only thing there is the ugly sweater I got her five Christmases ago. I really need to stop buying her gifts. I stood up and the scent of stale piss filled my nostrils. The Genesis box! I yanked it out of the trashcan and tossed it in the passenger seat of my car. Before I could leave town and start a new life, a knock rattled my driver-side window. "Dude, check it out! I like, joined this totally rad cult that's looking for this bar of soap. Have you seen it?" I screamed and floored it out of my driveway.
I drove many miles through the sweltering Nevada heat. Eventually I pulled into an abandoned gas station in the middle of the desert, the first man-made structure I've seen in hours. I'll do the deed here. I grabbed the box and walked to the side of the gas station, wiping the copious amounts of sweat off my forehead. "Please God, please..." I prayed as I plugged the CRT into a wall socket. I pressed the power button, and somehow, it
My fingers twitching with excitement, I shoved the game cart in the Genesis and powered it on. I pressed start on the title screen and Act 1 began. I moved Sonic forward and jumped into the Motobug. I chuckled as I progressed through the level. I'm gonna finish the first act of Sonic 1 and there will be nothing, not a thing, to get in the way of it! With the goal post sign in sight, I eagerly prepared to jump into the big ring at the end. Until the screen went dark.
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"Yes, I use it as a urinal. I told you not to play it," the man who owned the yard sale said. My mouth stood agape as he walked off into the sunset and faded from view. I grabbed a dirty rag off the ground and wiped the piss off the cartridge. I scurried to the Genesis and shoved the game in. I powered it on... and nothing. The game ceased to work.
The evening sun beamed on me without a cloud in the sky. I stared at the Genesis for so long my hands, eyes, and anal sphincter became sunburned. I got up and walked to my trunk to grab a water from the 16-pack I bought earlier in the week. But to my dismay... the heat had evaporated all the water in them. Not a lick of
This is all my wife's fault.
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