Goodbye, Squidward

Long story short, I liked SpongeBob SquarePants as a kid. I would get to watch it whenever I could. As the years went by, I slowly stopped watching it, but I've been enticed to watch it again when I had the time.

The DVD

I went to a sketchy looking thrift store near where I lived. It had a lot of weird shit, but one thing that caught my eye was this bootleg SpongeBob DVD with one single episode titled, "Goodbye, Squidward". The box art showed Squidward in his bed sleeping with SpongeBob watching him. This DVD didn't look fake, I genuinely thought it was an official product by Nickelodeon.

I hadn't watched SpongeBob in a while, and I certainly didn't remember an episode named "Goodbye, Squidward", so I bought the DVD and went home to watch it. I popped it in my DVD player. There was no menu, no opening theme song, not even a title card. It just skipped straight to the episode.

The Episode

The episode starts with SpongeBob out in his front yard running around. It shows Squidward waking up in annoyance. He walks outside and goes right up to SpongeBob. He grabs him by his sides and lifts him up slowly while looking real angry. He then yells at SpongeBob to shut up and let him get his sleep and that he wished he was never neighbors with him, to which SpongeBob tears up to. Squidward drops him on the ground and walks back in his house and slams the door. SpongeBob lied there with tears in his eyes, and eventually started crying.

It was at this point that I had caught on the fact that the animation looked very sloppy, as if it was unfinished or rushed, and the voices for the characters didn't sound like themselves, almost like another person was doing their voices.

It cuts to the Krusty Krab, SpongeBob and Squidward were at their respective work stations. SpongeBob was happy again. He was singing some song about how he loved his job. Squidward then gives him an order. SpongeBob doesn't acknowledge him and just keeps singing. Squidward calls his name louder, he doesn't hear him. Squidward finally shouts at him at the top of his lungs. This time, it didn't sound like Squidward at all. SpongeBob stops singing. The background music stops. He just stands there looking down at the grill. He slowly looks up at Squidward. He tells SpongeBob that he has an order for him. He gives it to him and goes back to his work station. SpongeBob just stands there staring into the abyss for a few seconds before crying again. This is just sad, I thought. SpongeBob normally doesn't get this upset at Squidward. This time, the crying was more deep and human-like. It was just so off-putting.

The screen fades to black for a while, which gave me time to think: What the hell kind of episode is this? Certainly not a normal episode.

I kept watching just because I just thought something else would happen.

The episode soon enough cuts to SpongeBob's pineapple house at midnight. It cuts to SpongeBob bawling his eyes out, again, sounding realistic. This went on for about half a minute before he stopped and got up. He then got out of his bed and went downstairs into his kitchen. He went to his counter and grabbed something. He turned to face the camera with this smile on his face. His smile wasn't a happy smile, but more sinister. Just from this, I knew this wasn't a normal SpongeBob episode. It cuts to a far away shot of both of SpongeBob's and Squidward's houses. SpongeBob walks out of his house and walks slowly towards Squidward's house. He was laughing. He slowly opens the door and enters his house. It cuts to black and then to Squidward's bedroom. SpongeBob walks up to where Squidward is. He wakes him up. Squidward sees SpongeBob holding what he had grabbed earlier. It was a knife. SpongeBob then quickly stabs Squidward in the arm. Squidward screams in pain, to which SpongeBob then stabs his other arm. He falls to the floor, bleeding. SpongeBob then looks at him with an evil smile and then cuts his nose off. Squidward continues screaming. Again, his screams sounded realistic. SpongeBob says to him "I hope you're happy. You won't have to hear from me, or anyone, again." SpongeBob then walks out of his house to leave Squidward laying there to slowly die. The screen slowly fades to black as the normal credits rolled.

I didn't know what to think of this. Nickelodeon wouldn't do something like this to kids.

As I was taking out the DVD, a black screen some Russian text appeared. In the background was Squidward's skeleton covered in blood with his skull cracked down the middle. I quickly took out the DVD and put it back in its box.

Conclusion

I considered disposing the DVD or destroying it, but I hesitated. I didn't know whether to show this to anyone or sell it online or what, so I just kept it for myself. I had kept it safe in a box somewhere deep in my closet.

The place I got it from was gone when I went back the next day. There was no trace of it being there at all. The place didn't exist anywhere else and barely has any history to begin with, so searching for it was out of the question.

I still enjoy SpongeBob, but now, I can't stop thinking of what I had seen.

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