Jeff Sends Letters to Santa

January 1st, 2011

Dear Santa,

I realize you are a busy man. It must be hard keeping track of all the kids who write to you each and every year. In fact, if I didn't know any better, I would say that such a task was impossible. But, as you have proven time and time again, you are perfectly capable of delivering presents to kids the world over in a single night. Obviously you know what you're doing.

So, tell me this, Santa: why is it that I haven't gotten any presents FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS? Is it because I killed my parents that one time? I don't see how that's such a big deal. Maybe it's the ten-thousand other people I've killed since then. Does that qualify me as "naughty"? If so, you could at least leave a lump of coal in my stocking so I could BASH YOUR SKULL IN WITH IT AND RIP OUT YOUR LUNGS AND LAUGH AS YOU DIEDIEDIEDIEbut I digress...

As you know, it is a new year, which means it's time for people to make their New Year's Resolutions! For my New Year's Resolution, I have decided to give up killing. No longer shall I make people "go to sleep" (so to speak). Rather, I shall wait for them to go to sleep by themselves before I STAB THEM AND DISMEMBER THEM AND SET THEM ON FIRE AND STAB THEM AGAIN AND WAIT, what was I talking about? Oh yes, no more Jeff the Killer. I swear to never kill again.

On one condition. 

For your New Year's Resolution, Mr. Santa Claus, you shall promise to bring me exactly what I want for Christmas, every Christmas. You shall deliver the following gifts to me by December 25th, 2011, at exactly 12:00 AM:

• Lasers

• A train

• A time machine

• An iron maiden

• More lasers

• A Zeppelin

• A spiked metal dildo

• 400 metric tons of napalm

• Flamethrowers

• A big knife (the last one broke)

• 400 metric tons of marijuana

• Every Pink Floyd album ever

• MOAR LASERS

Bring all these to me OR I WILL KILL YOU

Love,

Jeffrey

December 26th, 2011

Dear Santa,

You did not bring me the presents I requested. That was a mistake. I went a whole year without killing anybody, yet you still did not come. You didn't even come anywhere near my house. Let this be your final warning, Mr. Claus: If you give me the presents now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Jeff

March 18th, 2012

Dear Santa,

WHERE'S MY PRESENTS FATMAN

I TOLD YOU WHAT I'D DO IF YOU DIDN'T BRING MY PRESENTS

I'LL END YOU

I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND I'LL KILL YOU

I'LL KILL YOU SO HARD, YOU WON'T EVEN BE ALIVE

I'LL GO TO THE NORTH POLE AND BURN DOWN YOUR WHOLE WORKSHOP AND KILL ALL YOUR ELVES TOO

I'LL KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF YOUR ELVES

AND I'LL STEAL YOUR REINDEER

FUCK YOU SANTA

FUCK EVERYTHING

Jeff

Aftermath

Jeff gets eaten by a polar bear.