Sonic.exe, but fifty percent more stupid

(Quick heads up, this story is a parody and is not hating against sonic.exe. Rather it's a parody of the original story, exaggerating things. Please do not harass anyone who likes Sonic.exe or the stories.)

Hi, AstolfoLover69 here, and I'm a Sonic the Hedgehog fan much like everyone else on this planet. I love the classics, but I also love the modern games. I'm not like other girls, because I'm a guy. However, I think I might stay away from Sonic the Hedgehog for a while. And I'll telly you why in this story.

It all started 8 hours ago. I was playing the greatest Sonic game of all time Sonic the Hedgehog (2006), while hugging my Astolfo body pillow. Suddenly, I threw my controller down. "Man," I say to myself, "I've played all the Sonic games. If only there was something new to play, preferably a Sonic game so I don't have to try new things. "I guess I'll go shopping," I say. I bid my Astolfo a temporary goodbye, and head out of my house for the first time in 9 months.

I made my way to a local game store because that's where they got the good shit. While looking for games, I saw a Genesis game. There was no game art, only a blank title, with the game name written on in marker. It was titled, 'SONIC.EXE (Definitive Version 1.5 Final ReMix Fes)'. WOW! A new Sonic game I've never played before! I smashed the glass case, ripped out the cartridge, and brought it right up to the cashier. "How much for this, good sir?" I asked politely. The cashier responded, "No compres ese juego, jovencito. El juego está maldito. Si lo jugaras, seguramente morirías." "Sorry, I don't speak Spanish," I said. "three dollar," said the cashier. I slammed 5 dollars down and told him to keep the change. I walk out of the store with my new game. Finally, a new Sonic game to play. This day can't possibly be ruined now, this day of course being the 13th of December on a Friday.

On my way home I walked under a ladder, passed a black cat, went into a mirror store, and accidentally broke some mirrors when I opened my umbrella, went into a theatre to see Macbeth, saw 666 ravens, was gifted a clock, and stepped on a crack. When I got home I threw myself through the front door, hurried to my room, and locked the door behind me. I don't want anything to ruin my Sonic.exe experience. I put the game into my Sega Genesis and booted it up. It didn't work the first time, so I had to blow on the cartridge (you know how it is).

When that Sega logo popped up I kicked my feet like a tween with a crush. Little did I know, this would start some goofy aah events that would surely lead to my death. Maybe. Anyways after the Sega logo, Sonic came in, in the Iconic Sonic logo from the first game. I snuggled up to my Astolfo body pillow, ready for fun. However, something weird happened. Before the screen cut to black, it changed. The water turned red like blood, and Sonic's eyes turned black with white pupils. He was also bleeding from the eyes, which was a bit concerning. The copyright mark changed from Sega 1991 to Sonic 666, and the emblem itself looked ruined. However, this only lasted for 1.42 seconds, so I thought it was a glitch.

Next, the file select screen from Sonic 3 popped up. I could only select to play Tails, Knuckles, and Eggman for some reason. No Sonic? Must be trying something new. I could only select Tails, though. Thanks for giving me the freedom of choice, game designers. I select Tails, and the screen goes to black. A creepy laugh plays, that sounds like the laugh of that Kefka guy from Final Fantasy VI. I start on the first level, Green Hill Zone. Wait, no, my mistake, it's just 'Hill'. I guess it's called that because it doesn't look as green as it once did. I made Tails walk left, and he fell through the world, lmao. But when I did, a black screen appeared with text saying 'No, that isn't how you are supposed to play the game'. The level restarts, and I walk right this time.

The level is flat, boring, and not that green. When does this game get exciting, I think to myself. OH THERE IT IS, that's a dead flicky. That's a lot of dead animals. Like, a fuck ton of them. The dead animals made a hill I had to climb over. I guess that's the hill. When I reached the other side, I saw him, Sornic the Hrog. But his back was turned away from his buddy, Tills. Why do you have to be such a tsundere piece of shit, Sonic? Tails walked up to Sonic on his own and reached out to him, with the static getting worse and worse until Sonic opened his pitch-black eyes. The screen goes black again, and new text pops up. 'HeLlO. Do YoU wAnT tO pLaY a WiTh Me'? Uh, yeah, no shit. That's why I got this game.

A new level popped up called 'Hide and Seek', but it was just Angel Island Zone on fire. Also, some creepy ass music from Resident Evil was playing. I can't believe Sonic would commit plagiarism. Tails really looked like he wanted to run away, so I did. After a few seconds of running, (or flying in Tail's case,) Sonic started dancing all over the screen. Well, more like teleporting. Sonic, I love you, but you got no moves. Suddenly, Sonic started flying up behind Tails, and the drowning theme started playing. Ruh Roh, how is Tails gonna get outta this one? The answer is he doesn't. Sonic catches up to him and Tails trips and falls. Then he starts crying like a little bitch.

Suddenly Sonic appears again, all spooky and ready to strike. When he did strike, the screen cut to black and Tail's scream played in the background, along with a creepy laugh that sounded like that Tidus guy from Final Fantasy X. I pressed F to pay respects. That was a weird ass experience, though, I am very confused. As I was wondering just what the flippin dippin fuck I just saw was, some text appeared. It said, "YoUr T0o SlOw, wAnT tO TrY aGaIn?" First of all, minor spelling mistake, I win, second of all, yes I want to try again, REMATCH ME, COWARD! As if it could hear my thoughts, it went back to the character select screen. Unfortunately, I couldn't select Tails, seeing as how he was too busy being dead. Fortunately, I can play as Knuckles now! Yippie!

I select Knuckles and a creepy laugh plays, that sounds a lot like Freddy Fazbear. How many things is this game gonna plagiarize?! The next level looked like scrap brain zone, and it was titled 'You Can't Run'. Well, I move around a bit, and WHAT DO YOU KNOW, I'm running. Looks like that title was a false advertisement. I run to the left and fall off the world again, and text pops up that says, "Stop >:(". Okay, jeez, I won't. I run right like the lil' baby wants me to, and I notice that the music is Giygas' theme from Earthbound, which was yet ANOTHER act of plagiarism. Eventually, the Sonic who was definitely not Sonic popped up again in another spooky-but-not-really jumpscare.

The screen went to static, and text popped up saying 'FOuNd YOu!' appeared. Oh no, what is he going to do this time. The screen comes back and Knuckles is fighting Sonic the fake hog, while the high-pitched squealing from Silent Hill's final boss was playing. Oh, cool, I get to kick his ass. I ran towards the Dumbhog and tried to punch him, but he teleported away while doing a SpongeBob laugh. Okay, that's pretty annoying. Eventually, I devolved into button-mashing, which caused Knuckles to spaz out. Sonic looked pretty confused at this, but his confusion turned into surprise when my mashing accidentally overloaded the Genesis. Oops.

The console crashed, and my TV went to static. This thing was getting me worked up, so I decided to take a break. I turned my TV off and got myself some Motts fruit gummies. Mmm, that's the good shit. Combine that with some fruit punch, very nice. I head back to my room, snuggle up with my Astolfo body pillow, and take a nap. However, that turned out to be a huge mistake, as I had a little nightmare. I was in the void, and Tails was there. He didn't look too good, considering he was dead. He spoke in a pained voice, "Why... why didn't you save me?"

"Okay, first of all, kid," I started, "That was a scripted event, second of all, It's not my fault you sucked ass and died. You just weren't fast enough." Tails looks offended, "Really?! I DIED and that's what you say to me?! Why are you so insensitive, man?!" "Because you're a video game character and you're not real," I rationalized. "Oh, but he's as real as it gets... and so are I," a new voice says. I turn to the voice, and it's him. Sorgnuk teh Hregagago.

"Whomst the fuck are you?" I query as I extend my index digit at the rapscallion. Sonic laughs in his plagiarized laugh. "I am death, the destroyer of worlds." "No, you're a hedgehog," I said, "and you stole that line from the Hindu sacred text the Bhagavad Gita, which was also said by J Robert Oppenheimer, dickhole." Sonic just ignores that and continues, full of himself, "You're a lot fun to play with kid, just like my victims before you, but they never last long." "It's a lot of," Tails pipes up. Sonic looks confused. "Oh yeah," I said, "you said 'you're a lot fun'. You're an idiot."

Me and Tails just start hurling insults at this bloodied-up, B-movie rodent. Sonic just growls and shouts, "ENOUGH! It doesn't matter... soon, you'll be a part of my world... just like the others." Then he jumpscares me, and I wake up with a startle. Okay, that one actually got me. I think if I wanna beat his ass, I gotta beat the game. But first, I gotta change out of these pants, because I am sweating. Wait... ok, no... it's not sweat, it's pee. I get into some fresh undies and I am ready to start this bitch up again.

When I turn the console back on, instead of the Title Screen, I get text that says, "So MaNy SoUlS tO pLaY wItH, sO LiTtlE tImE... wOuLd YoU aGrEe?" It's wouldn't you agree, dumbass. Let's just start this thing. When I do show up at the Character Select, Knuckles isn't there. He doesn't even have a portrait up at the file select screen thing. Uh oh, I think I glitched him out of existence. At least he went out painlessly... I think. Anyway, I select Eggman, sonic does a laugh that sounds like that laugh you would make at a family reunion or a friend hang-out when someone says a joke that isn't funny, but you don't want to hurt their feelings, so you fake laugh to their joke to make them feel good about themselves, and the next level starts.

I thought that playing as Eggman was pretty wacky, but not as wacky as the next level, which was titled '...'. I guess Sonic ran out of creative ideas, not that he had any in the first place. The level itself didn't look like anything from the Sonic games. Huh, maybe he actually came up with a creative level for once... wait, no, this level is from Castlevania Symphony of the Night! AND THE MUSIC IS ARIA OF THE SOUL FROM PERSONA BUT SLOWED DOWN AND CHIPTUNED! Holy shit, nothing this guy does is original!

Wanting to end this nightmare, I move Eggman left. There's a wall this time. At least he got that right. I move Eggman right, down some stairs, and we walk into this plagiarized hellhole. After minutes of boring walking, and chilling while listening to the chiptune Aria of the Soul (which was a banger), Sonic FINALLY showed up and did something to Eggman. Is it over? Can I leave? I want a refund. Unfortunately, this wasn't over yet, as this Edgehog had one last silly surprise.

After some red static, Sonic shows up again, except this time, he looked hyper-realistic. And by hyper-realistic, I mean not really realistic, but kinda. His eyes were still black with white pupils, his teeth were yellow and gross, and had blood coming out of his eyes... and ears, and mouth, and nose. He should probably see a doctor for that. After some more flashes of static, blood-red text appeared, saying the dumbest thing he could possibly say at that moment.

"I AM GOD."

It was when I read that message while looking at Sonic that it hit me, that I realized right there and then.

This was the stupidest fucking game that I have ever played in my entire existence. The levels weren't fun. The gameplay sucked. The story was a run-of-the-mill slasher. And this Sonic was a moron who couldn't be scary if his life depended on it. This was the stupidest fucking thing in existence, AND I WAS THE CHARACTER THAT WAS WRITTEN TO BE STUPID.

After another cheap jumpscare, the screen turns to static. Finally... it's over. However, after a few seconds of silence, a new text pops up. "rEaDy FoR rOuNd 2?" Oh... God no. Some more plagiarized laughs play, and I get kicked back to the character selection. Sure enough, Eggman is now as dead as Tails is, and Knuckles is still missing. Suddenly, my console shuts off. Oh, cool, I can leave now. But before I can get up, I hear a voice from behind me. "Try to keep this intresting, boy." I turn around and see... no... he didn't.

On my bed, in place of my Astolfo body pillow, was a Sonic body pillow, with dark, bloodstained eyes.

Something inside of me snapped. He just crossed a line that should never be crossed. Kill all of your former friends? Sure. Plagiarize a bunch of games and make a dumb horror game? Fine. Make me play that dumb game? Annoying, but whatever. But no one... and I mean NO ONE... FUCKS WITH MY WAIFU/HUSBANDO, ASTOLFO!!!

So with the force of 1000 suns and the wrath of the Greek pantheon, I reach into the body pillow and grab Sonic by his stupid hedgehog neck. I pull him out, strangling him with one hand. Sonic looks shocked, "Inconceivable..." he choked out. "I am Go-". I don't give him the chance to finish that sentence as I throw him against the wall and tackle him through it, Kratos style, landing us both in our neighbor's backyard, where he is having a barbeque with his friends and family.

"Hey, neighbor!" he says with a smile and a wave. "Hi, Bill!" I wave back while swinging Sonic around by his feet. "What're you up to today?" he asks. "Just doing some pest control!" I reply while throwing Sonic over Bill's fence into oncoming traffic. "Well, when you're done with that, do you want to stop by for something to eat?" "Sure! Sounds great!" Sonic gets hit by several cars. I jump over my neighbor's fence to continue my pursuit.

Meanwhile, back in my room, the TV turns itself back on. Out of the screen comes a gloved hand attached to a red arm. Out crawls Knuckles the Echidna himself. "Phew," he says, "that was hard, but I'm finally out." He was only able to escape that phony thanks to the player overloading the system. And now that Sonic is in the real world, he shouldn't be as powerful. Knuckles sees the hole in my wall and gets nervous. "I hope I'm not too late." Knuckles runs out of the room into the backyard, where Bill is still having a barbeque. Before he can ask where Sonic is, he hears loud sounds beyond the fence. Thinking that fake Sonic is probably causing chaos, he jumps over the fence, only to find a surprising sight.

I am absolutely beating the fear of God into this Sonic. Cars are crashing around us, something caught on fire, and Sonic.Exe looks more bloody than usual. All because of an Astolfo body pillow. Fortunately and unfortunately for Exe, he is very durable, which makes the process last longer. "YOU'RE NOT GETTING AWAY THAT EASY" I scream to the crippled hedgehog, who couldn't move if he wanted to. "You... damn human... you won't get away wi-", however, he is interrupted when OH, ASTOLFOLOVER69 FROM THE TOP ROPE WITH THE ELBOW!

Knuckles looks on disturbed. "Uh... I was gonna help you out but, it looks like you got it covered." "Thanks for the concern!" I yell back and start pulverizing Sonic some more. Knuckles is starting to wonder if this story is a parody anymore. Me too, Knuckles. Me too. After a few more hits, Sonic's body is dead, but Exe is still alive and tries to leave in his spirit form. "This ain't over you little shit!" screams the spirit. He was right, it was not.

The Astolfo simp grabs him, which should be impossible due to Exe being a ghost, and starts to drag Exe towards him. It was right there for the first time that Exe felt fear. The human starts performing the world's first exorcism without any tools. And by that, I mean absolutely curb-stomping the spirit until it is wiped out of reality itself. "NO PLEASE I'M SORRY, PLEASE SPARE ME I WON'T DO IT AGAIN I'M SORRY PLEASE PLEASE PLEEEEEEAAASSE!!!" However, his fate was sealed when he messed with that body pillow. With one final uppercut, the spirit is reduced to smithereens, screaming like a little bitch all the while.

And with that, I dust my hands off. God, that was intense. The game was so stupid it turned this parody into a fanfiction where the heroes beat the shit out of the villain. But it was over, and all that was left was me, Knuckles, and Sonic's... caved-in skull. Oops. "Well, uh, I think I can probably use the emeralds to revive him, and the others. Thanks for saving me, by the way," says Knuckles. I am panting hard after that. My body is gonna be sore for weeks. "Yeah... don't mention it," I say.

I walk back into my room and check on my body pillow. It's ruined. Aw man, that was like, 25 dollars. And I gotta fix the hole in my wall... man. I collapse on my bed. "God, I need an apple juice." Knuckles pushes Sonic's corpse into the TV. "I can go get you some." he offers. "Yeah... that'll be nice." Knuckles gets me some apple juice, and we talk a bit. He told me something about more evil games and shit, but I just couldn't care. I was too busy mourning Astolfo. F.

Eventually, he returns to the game world, and as a last request, he asks me to hold on to the cartridge. And of course, I accepted, being a Sonic fan. But yeah, that's the story of why I'm staying away from Sonic games for a while. Let this be a life lesson to all of you. If an evil specter possessing the body of a beloved video game character tries to mess with you, just put the fear of God into it, and you'll probably be fine. Maybe.

In the meantime, I think I'll switch over to another game franchise, like Mario. Surely those games won't be haunted, right? ...right?

However, those are thoughts for another time, as I eat hot dogs at my neighbor's barbeque I come to a new realization...