Sweet potato

This is a horrific ritual passed down through the ages. The first known user of this ritual was a man said to be named Paul Ryan. Ryan, though traumatized, reports that the ritual cost him his spine, causing him to live as an invertebrate. His whereabouts are undisclosed. Another by the name of Elvis Aaron Presley is dead, although reports of his alive-ness have been reported by the entirely stable staff of Infowars. Perform this ritual at your own risk.

You will need a sweet potato, a knife, some straw, and racism.

First, slice open the sweet potato halfway across, but do not sever the potato. Pour the racism into the gap you have created.

Then, put your mouth into the gap and slowly speak these cryptic words-

Sad, tremendous, bigly, wall, beleive me, covfefe, loser, yuge, and jjiina.

Now close the gap.

Put the straw on top of the potato and sleep on the floor for 2016 hours. After this time, you will be awoken from your slumber by a vision of Hillary Clinton in her final form returning to the Mothership, as she is now fed up with us puny Earthlings. This will be so horrifying that you will wake up in a cold sweat, only to see the sweet potato somehow string complete sentences out of the words you spoke into it. It will then grow invisible legs and run out of the house screaming about how rich it is. Do not chase after it. This was all preordained. Everything is as it was meant to be.

If you do chase after it, against the warnings and instructions of the ritual, you will wake up the next morning without a pillow. In its place will be several copies of Obama's real birth certificate.

You have been warned.

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Written by History Ferret‎
Content is available under CC BY-SA

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