Take666's Challenge

Back in 2011, I discovered this really weird game online called Takeshi's Challenge. Back then we didn't have great sources of information about it like the JonTron video, and what little we did know was exaggerated in a Chinese Whispers-esque way, all coming from misinterpretations of the first episode of a Japanese television show called GameCenter CX.

The game intrigued me. I downloaded a ROM file from the Internet and wandered around the pixelated rendition of Tokyo, but, with no knowledge of Japanese, I quickly grew confused. A few months later, a translation patch was released, but I didn't know that was going to happen. I decided that I would move to Japan, learn their language, and find a physical copy of the game.

Fast forward 2 years and I finally did it. I'd learnt the Japanese language, and I had in my hands a complete-in-box copy of the infamous game. It was weird, though, the guy who sold it to me seemed really eager to sell it to me, he even lowered the price to 666 yen.

I thought that seemed odd but I shook off the feeling and walked home. When I got home, I took the cartridge out of the box, and it looked different to how it did at its previous owner's house. The label had been torn off, a bit of duct tape was stuck over where it used to be, and on the duct tape someone had used a black Sharpie to write "Takeshi". That seemed weird too but I assumed it was a glitch and plugged the cartridge into my Famicom.

The title screen came on and it was in English! It said "Take666's Challenge". I remembered that I had downloaded the ROM and the title screen was in Japanese. But I thought that I was remembering wrongly so I walked left into the start area. That obnoxious, warbling music from the game was playing slowly and in reverse. It sounded weird but I assumed it was a glitch. I walked over to my boss and a text box popped up. It was in Japanese but this is what it meant

"You need to beat Take666's Challenge in 4 hours or face the consequences. ha ha ha"

The game reset. I was back at the title screen but when I walked to the left to start the game it just reset again. I sat there for about 20 minutes just trying to start the game but it wouldn't let me. So I decided to walk to the right, to the continue area. What happened then was what really tipped me off that this game wasn't just the normal copy with some glitches. It opened up a save select with 3 files. 2 were empty but one was called "Frank". I assumed this was some ultra rare limited edition with battery saving, and that Frank was the lucky previous owner. I decided since it wouldn't let me start my own game I would pick his.

The file loaded and it was in the hang gliding segment. I started playing, and I had the biggest luck of my life. I was able to defeat all the enemies with ease, but just when I got to the island I needed to get to, a massive pigeon (and I mean massive, there was no room around it) appeared and rammed into me. I died. What was really weird, though, was the normal game over screen didn't appear. The screen was completely blank except for "YOU DIED" in the centre. I pressed all the buttons on my controller. Nothing happened. I screamed into the controller 2 mic. Nothing happened. I hit reset. Nothing happened. I took the cartridge out of the system and blew on it until I was out of breath. I put it back in and turned the system back on. The same screen showed up.

I threw my hands in the air in disbelief. "Man, I just paid 666 yen for a game that doesn't even work! Kuso." I turned around, ready to leave the room and staring at me through my window was Beat Takeshi himself! He was glaring at me and when I saw him he said in Japanese "Looks like you're having problems with the game. Remember what the boss said, you have to beat it in 4 hours or else..." He pulled an hourglass out of his pocket and put it on the windowsill. It was about a quarter of the way done.

I hit reset on the console and I was back at the title screen. I decided to try starting again and this time it let me, but instead of my boss's office it spawned me in the bar. I sat down and the bartender said "Sorry we don't serve your kind here." So I got up and stormed out of the door but the door was locked so I couldn't leave. Instead, I beat up everyone I could in the room and sat down again. The bartender said "What would you like to drink?" and the drink menu popped up. I picked beer. I picked it over and over until I blacked out. When I woke up I was inside the final cave of the game. But there weren't spooky skeletons, meteorites, and gorillas in there like normal. Instead, there was my wife from the game cloned over and over. They all beat me up at once until I died. However it didn't show me the game over screen. It sent me back to the bar. I suddenly felt really tired but I assumed this was a glitch and kept playing. I kept playing and trying to work out what to do until I felt so tired that I decided to take a nap.

I dreamed that night. In my dream I saw a bunch of hourglasses floating around a giant Takeshi Kitano head and the words "Or Else..." repeated over and over. I woke up and assumed the dream was a glitch. I decided to keep playing Take666's Challenge. When I started the game again, the boss said "You ran out of time. You know what that means..." so I walked out the door and grabbed my secret savings from behind the office plant. I left the building and walked to the left. The Yakuza weren't wandering around trying to beat me up like normal. They were dead. They were lying in pools of hyper-realistic blood. That was when I really knew that this game wasn't even a limited edition. It was HAUNTED.

But I assumed that the haunted part was a glitch so I kept playing. I went into the bar. Everyone was dead. The walls were splattered with hyper-realistic blood. At the top where it normally says which room you're in, it instead said "TOO LATE". Then Takeshi Kitano's ghost popped out of my console and stabbed me to death.

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