The Haunted Twilight Blu-ray

About two years ago I broke both of my legs in a bike accident. I was laid up for several weeks, stuck on the couch and unable to do much of anything. I spent most of my time goofing off on the internet, but that got boring after a while. I was staying at my girlfriend's apartment while I healed, and I'll admit I was being quite a pain in the ass.

"I'm in so much pain!" I'd complain.

"I'm so bored." My list of problems never ceased.

Finally, fed up with my whining, my girlfriend suggested that I watch one of her movies, and pointed to their location in the cabinet near the television. I pulled myself slowly over to the cabinet and flipped through the available films.

Gone With the Wind... Lame.
Citizen Kane... BORING (more like Citizen Lame).
The Avengers... Adults and their playground antics, no thanks.
Twilight... Hmmm, what's this?

"Hey sweetie?" I yelled out.

"What is it dear?" She was blow drying her hair as she got ready for work. She had to shout to be heard.

"What's this Twilight movie?"

"Oh that's about vampires." She bellowed.

Vampires!? Count me in! My excitement rose as I lovingly held the Blu-ray disc close to my chest. If there's only one truism in life, it's that Vampires. Kick. Ass. Always. I was shocked that there was actually a vampire film I'd never heard of, but my shock was eclipsed by the excitement of my pending home-cinema experience.

I loaded the movie into the Blu-ray player and propped myself up on the couch. My girlfriend gave me a kiss on her way out the door as she headed out for the day. Perfect! There would be no distractions for me while I enjoyed what was sure to be a phenomenal movie.

The television came to life and the opening credits popped up on the screen, and as the movie began to unfold, my excited demeanor slowly began to sour. It became very clear that this particular copy of the film had somehow been corrupted by an evil, magical being. The characters were acting all strange, and nothing seemed to be as it should've been. I'll try my best to describe what I saw on the screen, but keep in mind that this is difficult for me, and my list might not be all-inclusive because I've blocked much of it from my memory.

First, the lead actress had all emotion wiped from her. When she experienced emotions related to near-death, and even when she was supposedly experiencing love, she always had the same blank look on her face. It was obvious that some demon had held this Blu-ray copy in its hand and removed all feeling from it, because there's no way that an emotional vacuum like that was created in this mortal world. Then, there was all this weird stuff that was added to the film, like a scene where vampires play baseball. What kind of sick, demented bastard does something like that? Now that I think more about it, I can only assume it was Satan himself.

I vomited profusely at what I saw on the screen. I had a strong urge to gouge my eyes out with knitting needles, but I maintained my sanity just long enough to crawl over to the Blu-ray player and hit eject. I broke the disc into several pieces, then I cooked the pieces in the oven. Later that day, I rented a steam-roller and ran over the remnants (yes, with two broken legs).

In the time since, I've often wondered what the movie is really supposed to be about. I've considered obtaining another copy of the film, so I can see the filmmakers' true intentions, but I'm too scared that I'll get hold of another demonically altered version. Seeing that I barely escaped with my life last time, I don't think I can risk it.

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Written by Creepy Thomas O.
Content is available under CC BY-SA