The Holder of the Return
In any city, in any country, go to your house. Walk into your kitchen, and find a spoon. It must be metal - plastic or wooden ones will not do. Hold the metal spoon in your hand, and stare into it. Memorize the subtleties of your reflections, as well as the nuances of the utensil's contours. Imprint firmly in your mind the cool gleam of the metal, the warmth of the implement in your hand. Eventually, you will begin to fall into a trance-like state, and will be compelled by forces unknown to you to say, "There is no spoon". You will black out.
What will follow will be the most vivid, horrific nightmare imaginable. Your truest, deepest love will be dying a death so horrible that you will scarcely be able to comprehend it. You will only be able to watch helplessly as they perish horrifically in unimaginable agony. The experience will be so horrible that your heart may stop beating, your soul rending itself asunder. Should you give in, you will descend to a place of torture unthinkable. If you persevere, however, you will eventually wake up.
You will find yourself in a strange bedroom, sparsely clad and totally unfamiliar to you. To your supreme shock, your love will be sitting beside your bed. The unexpectedness of this event will cause you to shout, "Help you I think your dead!" "No I am not," your lover will reply simply, pouring themselves a beverage known to you as "water drink".
Just then, a man will walk into your room. You will instantly recognize him as your best friend, although his name will change constantly, ranging anywhere from Merpheus to Morpeud. If you say his name incorrectly, he will kill you, and your soul will be rent apart with agony. Therefore, do not speak his name at all, as you have no hope of saying it correctly. "Good morning," your friend will say, "we must kung fu."
You will then be subjected to the most grueling physical test you can possibly conceive of as you and your friend train in the ancient ways of jiu jitsu and the martia larts. Your muscles will burn, your joints will creak, and your bones will crack as you are pushed to the edge and beyond. It is highly likely that you will die here, giving in to your unbearable fatigue. Eventually, you will land a kick on your friend, signifying that the training session is over. "Good job," one of you will say.
Suddenly, your true love will burst into the room. They will say, "We got a distress signal it is from-" you must close your ears for the last part. Should you hear the name of the one who sent the signal, your brains will leak out your ears, and you will go on living as a mindless drone for eternity. You must instead follow your two companions.
When you arrive at your destination, you will find that the sender of the distress signal is unharmed. However, there will be an unimaginably horrific monster, known only as a "sentinal". You must brave your fear and disgust and punch the creature, or else it will destroy you utterly. Pain will shoot up your arm as you punch the creature, and you will be consumed by the agony if your mind is not strictly disciplined. "You must be careful," he will admonish you, before shooting the creature with a firearm that materialized seemingly from thin air.
At this juncture, you must simply say "wait". Reach out with your mind, and do your best to grasp how to kill the "sentinals". However, a moment's time will show you that you have tried in futility - machines have created a new matrix. You will realize with horror that in this matrix, you cannot your powers.
Upon this realization, you will looked dead, although you will be able to perceive all events around you. "What happen in first matrix," someone will say, "they are all dead."
"Tihs is too much," your friend will shot quietly, "help me fight to save this."
"I illh elp you," your true love will say with the cry. They will be sad cause thoughts you are dead. You will be helpless, unable to tell them that it is only matrix trick. You could try to say "help" if you are inclined, but you will find that your body is frozedn. Beware, however: struggle too much, and your body will begin to rot and decay, your very soul destroyed by burning entropy.
A radar screen will appear out of nowhere, and your friend will look at it. "sOh no!" he will exclaim, "more matrix is attack us!" "We will have to jug in," your love will say. Although you will have no idea what this means, you will comprehend the grave implications of her statement.
When your companions have "jugged in", you will see that they face legions of strange, twisted creatures called "Smiths". This will be due to the matrix's corrooption. The Smiths will run at your friends, the horrifying creatures slavering and yelling things incomprehensible. "I'll fight this 500," your friend will say as he charges valiantly into battle, swording out his katana at great attack. You and your love (from different viewpoints, of course) will both watch in amazing. "You are so good," your true love will say to your friend.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a data will appear. Your friend will read it because he is fight agents and make them run. However, to his shock, the data will say some information! He will realize then that you are alife, and they will takes off using phone interface in order to seak to you.
Without warning, you will find yourself able to move again, and back in the normal realm of this Holder's world. You will realize that you were liberated by a powerful and arcane force, known only as "mediskel equipmont". Do not attempt to understand this awesome power, or else you will descend slowly and painfully into utter madness.
However, should you survive, you will then have to give an inspirational speech to a crew that has mysteriously appeared in front of you. You must also include as many grammatical mistakes in it as you possibly can. If your speech is not inspirational or grammatically incorrect enough, you will descend to the lowest circle of Hell for eternity.
You must conclude your speech by saying with your fist, "gentalmen the fight goes on!" The thunderous cheering will cause you to black out. When you awake, it will be in your own bed. However, you will soon find out that you have been imbued with godlike strewngth, power enough to surmount any obstacle, achieve any goal. Beware, though: with great strewngth comes great responsibility.
Your new strewngth is Object eleventy jillion of eleventy jillion and one. There is no spoon.
Originally uploaded to the 'Parodies' category of the Holders Wiki
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