The Massacre of Haruhi Suzumiya (The original version)

This is the original, unedited version of "The Massacre of Haruhi Suzumiya". Enjoy. :)

(I DO NOT OWN THIS "PASTA"!)

DA PAZTAH

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המטרה מקדשת את האמצעים

"Hurry up, Kyon!"

Haruhi ran ahead of Kyon, who lingered close behind. "We have an extra-special event today!

The SOS Brigade will be doing something very special!" Oh, great, Kyon thought. With Haruhi, it could be anything. What would happen now?

Haruhi got to the campus before Kyon. When she sat in her desk, she couldn't stop fidgeting. Class began. Then, once it had finished, it was lunchtime. Haruhi ate her lunch as fast as she could, then she ran out of the classroom, presumably to go to the club room. By the time she came back, lunch was over. Haruhi was more excited than ever.

The day went on, and finally, when the bell rang, Haruhi leapt out of her chair and grabbed Kyon's arm. They dashed out of the room. Down the hall. Up the stairs. Finally, to the club room. Kyon braced himself for something ridiculous. Haruhi opened the door.

Everything was normal. Nagato sat and read a book. Koizumi sat, smiling, with a chess board set up in front of him. Mikuru was in her maid outfit, serving tea. She smiled upon the presence of Kyon.

"Mikuru, I don't want tea today. Pass everyone a cup, will you?", said Haruhi. Mikuru passed everyone some tea. "Everyone, including you, Mikuru, needs to sip some."

Kyon was puzzled. This wasn't Haruhi. But then again, maybe she just bought some kind of new tea and wanted everyone to sample it.

Kyon took a sip. It tasted odd. Mikuru was the next to taste some. And right after, Koizumi. Suddenly, Kyon collapsed. Mikuru tried to scream, but then she fainted, too. Koizumi immediatelyfell to the ground. Nagato had not sipped the hot beverage. Haruhi frowned. "Nagato, drink it. NOW!"

Emotionlessly, Nagato sipped the tea. But she did not collapse. Haruhi's eyes widened. She had drugged the tea, but nothing happened. Finally, Nagato fell after a few minutes. Haruhi sighed. That was done.

Kyon was the first to wake up. He blinked as his vision came into focus. When he saw where he was, his heart almost stopped.

The floor was covered in blood. A table with several dissecting tools was next to a cart on wheels with syringes, cleavers, knives, and a saw. Mikuru woke up, saw the room, and began to cry. Her sobs choked Kyon, for they were painful to hear. A male scream startled Kyon. Koizumi had waken up. The room was dark and dirty. Mikuru was still crying uncontrollably. Kyon went into panic mode and jolted around, only to realize he could not move. He was strapped to a rack, and so was Mikuru and Koizumi, who was now breathing hard. Kyon knew that Nagato must be in the room, but he couldn't see her.

A door opened, then closed. It was Haruhi. She held a pair of scissors. Mikuru began to cry even more. "Quiet down, Mikuru!" Haruhi snapped. Kyon became extremely nervous. "Haruhi, w-what are you planning?!" he said.

Haruhi smiled. "I'm going to research you!" she said. "From the very beginning, I knew you were all hiding something. I knew that Mikuru was a time traveler. I knew Nagato was an alien. I knew Koizumi was an esper. And so, I will find out exactly what's going on with all of you!"

Mikuru screamed. He stopped breathing. Koizumi whimpered a bit. "Kyon, you're first!"

Upon hearing that, Kyon began thrashing around, screaming. "NO! NO!" But it was too late. Haruhi took a syringe and took off the cap. She injected Kyon, who immediately stopped moving altogether. He was paralyzed. Haruhi then took the scissors. She cut off Kyon's shirt, and tossed it behind her back. Haruhi put down the scissors and took out a red marker. She drew a line from in between his breasts, down to just above his crotch. Kyon panted hard. Haruhi capped the marker and took a jagged knife. Kyon wanted to scream. But somehow, he couldn't.

Haruhi placed the knife at the top of the line. Then, ever so slowly, she began slicing downwards. The feel of each tooth of the knife tearing through his flesh seared Kyon, who let out a bloodcurdling scream. Mikuru watched in horror. Upon finishing the cut, Haruhi placed down the knife and picked up a spreading tool. Kyon breathed deep breaths. His chest ached like nothing he had ever felt before. Blood dribbled from the cut.

Haruhi used the spreading tool to open Kyon's cut. He groaned. He couldn't talk. Haruhi put down the tool. Then, she took a pair of gloves and put them on. Haruhi dug through Kyon's body, as he screamed again and again. He began to lose feel in his body. Then, Haruhi stepped aside. "See, nothing wrong. You're just an ordinary human being!" Mikuru began wailing once again. With that, Haruhi walked over to Mikuru and slapped her hard. She immediately quieted down. Just then, Kyon breathed his last.

"And now!" Haruhi said, "It's YOUR turn, Mikuru!"

Mikuru screamed so loud that Koizumi jumped. She did the exact same thing she did to Kyon to Mikuru- cut off her shirt, sliced her body open, and dug through her organs, all while she screamed uncontrollably. Afterwards, she died from blood loss.

Koizumi suffered through the same thing. He died after Haruhi ripped out his heart.

And then, it was Nagato's turn. She lay on her rack, emotionless. Haruhi cut open her body the same way, and looked through her organs.

"Ooooh! You ARE an alien!" said Haruhi. She had found inhuman organs inside Nagato. Haruhi took a pair of tongs and took out Yuki's kidney to examine. By now, Suzumiya was covered in blood. Everyone's bodies were sealed away. "Stop.", said Nagato. "You can't do this."

Haruhi began laughing insanely. "OF COURSE I CAN!!!" she screamed. "AFTER ALL, I AM A GOD!!!!!"

Note

To fully understand, watch both seasons of "The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya".