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== {{Note|WARNING: This is probably going to suck dicks. And if Mutahar is reading this, luv u bby <3 ==}}
 
Gather round, children, I'm going to tell you a story. A story about how I found, the SACRED ONION. The artifact of doom.
 
It all started in the year 2015. I was sitting alone at my desk, idly browsing the internet. I eventually came across a download link that read "ONIONMAP.PNG". Curious, I downloaded it, checked it for viruses, and, when the scan finished, opened up the folder. Inside were two files. One was "ONIONMAP.PNG", and the other was "gotcha.txt". I opened up gotcha, and it simply read "Found you!". I chuckled, thinking it was just a joke, and closed Notepad. I finally got to the titular ONIONMAP, and opened it up. Inside was a map of the world, with a line connecting two different locations. The starting circle was placed over my state, and the X placed right on top of Achinsk, Russia. I was about to just write it off as a practical joke, when I heard a loud THUMP behind my house.
 
[[File:Swag team 6.png|thumb|220x220px|Me and the rest of SWAG TEAM 6]]
I dashed to my window, and looked outside. There stood five men, dressed in tuxedos. Each of them wore a particularly nice looking pair of Ray-Bans. Upon closer inspection, I finally figured out their identities. It was my 5 favorite Youtubers! Mutahar, Pewdiepie, Markiplier, Jontron and SammyClassicSonicFan all stood there, motionless, wielding UMP-45s. I shakily opened my door, and stepped outside.
 
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"So, should we go?"
 
"Y-Yeah. Let's get out of here before more guards come." He got up, and just before we left the room, the ceiling blew open, and a large wall of text descended from the sky. It read, '<em>What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’llI'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’veI've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’mI'm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’reYou're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’sthat's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever”"clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’tcouldn't, you didn’tdidn't, and now you’reyou're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’reYou're fucking dead, kiddo.',</em> written in rainbow Comic Sans MS. Mutahar's heart stopped, and he immediately died. Comic Sans were his weakness, after all. I grabbed the onion off the ground, and ran towards the door. I burst out of the train station, and sped down the streets.
 
In the distance, I saw Jack's taxi, still on. I ran even faster hearing bullets whiz past my head. I dived into the car, and told him to get moving.
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I am so, so happy.
[[Category:Trollpasta]]
[[Category:Bad Fanfiction]]
[[Category:Memes]]
[[Category:Rocks Fall, Everybody Dies]]
[[Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck]]
[[Category:MOTHERLook OFma, FUCKit's THISone PAGEof ISthose LONGcreepypasta LIKE MY PAINIScharacters!]]
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