The TISM Bedroom Tapes
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NSFW WARNING
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Uploader's note: This is seriously one of the dumbest stories I've read...
I had bought on eBay for $400 a few boxes of TISM memorabilia from a seller with the username "LesMiserablesTISM". When the boxes arrived, I saw all the usual stuff (albums, singles), promo items, VHSs and the Little Guide to Aesthetics and the comics.
But there was a box called "EARLY DEMOS" that made me curious. I opened it up and I pulled out a cassette marked "THIS IS SERIOUS MUM - GREAT TRUCKIN' SONGS OF THE RENAISSANCE - DECEMBER 1982".
The B-side said "HUMPHREY B. FLAUBERT - drums/vocals, EUGENE DE LA HOT CROIX BUN - keyboards, JOCK CHEESE - bass, RECORDED DECEMBER 1982 IN A HOUSE IN RICHMOND, COPY AND DIE". I was still curious, so I got out a tape deck to digitize the tape. The A-side was what I expected, the first four tracks from the Best Off bonus disc and an early sounding version of Pus of the Dead. The four tracks had some extra music cut from the Best Off disc.
After Pus of the Dead ended, I heard a message from Humphrey B. Flaubert, saying "Don't put the B-side on, for he will come and eat you!" I just scoffed and put the B-side on. The track "Sweetbread Ain't No Honky Carcinogen", a song that reminded me of Johnny Otis's "Country Girl", started to play, but the lyrics were in some Slavic language and had some demonic reverb to them.
The music was sped up and then slowed down, but the Slavic intonation kept going on. I then heard a woman screaming and then I heard a noise that sounded like a fist entering a vagina, then the Slavic guy sounded like he was tearing out the woman's fallopian tubes and uterus.
I was then teleported back in time, when the Slav saw me. He had a black hood and robe on, and nothing could be seen except the man's demonic looking green eyes. The girl had blonde hair, blue eyes and reasonable-sized breasts, but blood was coming out of her vagina and she was crying. Angry, I throttled the Slav and his hood came off in the fracas, and it was revealed that the Slav was me.
However, I looked at my demonic self and he had lots of wrinkles and when I stuck my fist in his mouth to rip out his tongue, I saw a black bile coming out. I then grabbed the knife and stabbed him, and then I got a sensation similar to the one you get when you use a portkey in Harry Potter, then I ended up back in my room. I had somehow brought the teenage girl from 1982 to 2006.
Curious, I tried to contact the user, but his user page gave me a 404 error. Angry, I logged onto the TISM mailing list and contacted ____ _________, who told me that the tape had been infested with a demonic presence and I had destroyed the presence, but I would have to pay the price. I was stunned as to what that meant, but then two cops came up to me. I was loaded into their cruiser and taken to a station for questioning. I was then sent back home, where I tried playing the B-side again.
It was completely blank. I guess what I did in 1982 wiped the B-side. I tossed that tape and ripped all the other ones, which had all the music they should have. I even found a copy of Tissongs (Tism's Yessongs-parody tape) which was claimed to be lost in the Little Guide's tracklisting appendix. I played it and it had tism members laughing, then it cut to the first song. Both sides lasted approximately 45 minutes. I then copied all the tapes then uploaded them to the Pirate Bay.
When my court date came, I told the jury about what I saw. I was then found not guilty by reason of insanity and was sent to a mental institution. Before I was committed, I was ordered to sign the sex offenders' register for 300 years.
I had to have a Judeo-Christian "healer" visit me every day, and I started speaking in Bulgarian (which coincidentally turned out to be the language I heard on the B-side of that TISM tape) every time the "healer" came. When he told me: "You have to speak to me in God's language, English" I said (in Bulgarian) "WE ARE LEGION! HAIL SATAN AND HEIL HITLER!" and mauled the healer.
The men in white coats are coming to lobotomise me, I knl;edhckjlwgh j
Detective's Notes
The text you just read was found on the laptop computer of a mental patient who was arrested for raping a woman, and who gave us a fake story about a cassette tape and a demon. We have decided to post this on creepypasta.wikia.com because we know his rants will just be dismissed as a joke.
When the patient was lobotomised, he ran away from the hospital and has not been seen since. About the woman, she had to have an uterus transplant. She got on well and has since graduated from college with honours, married and started a family
We have decided to abolish the laptop program for mental patients.
The name of the person contacted by the patient has been redacted out of respect for his family.
Credited to FokkerTISM
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