Today I learned I do not live alone, and that's fucking BULLSHIT
Exscuse my GOD DAMN LANGUAGE.
I was just outside planting some flowers when I feel something tug on the bottom of my shirt.
I should've kicked at it, but no, I turned around and saw myself crouching in front of a fucking Gnome. This son of a bitch looked just like the statues.
He had a smug face. The really punchable kind. You'll see the reason for this hostility in a moment...
"Sorry to bother you," said the gnome, "but could you possibly spare a few of your seeds sir? My family is preparing for the cold weather and I am having a hard time finding any food around here!"
Most people would probably be amazed at the sight, or even shocked, but I am not the kind to give a fuck about gnome with extreme facial hair growth trying to take my own shit.
"Sorry, but I bought these seeds for $30 in a really clean looking alleyway. I do not wish to part with them." And that was the whole truth. These seeds were said to grow a turkey by Thanksgiving.
At that point, the little fuck closed his left eye like he was Popeye the Manchild and raised his fists at me.
"oi m8 im not gonna ask ye agaen cunt"
"EXSCUSE me??!?" I shouted. Who does this cunt think he is coming into MY backyard?
"look m8 i dunt ker wot ur growin' alls i knoe is thut ahm taken et!!!" The bastard made a whistle noise, and suddenly 50 gnomes jump at me from the trees like monkeys.
They didn't knock me out, they didn't kidnap me, and no, they did not steal my god damn socks.
They broke my shins by bashing them with their steel-toed boots. The sheer strength was mind-fucking.
"olrite boys, thas enuff." As the gnomes walked away, the first one got real close to my face. I wanted to bite his head off.
"dis 'ouse? ihts aurs now m8. hope ye got cumcast or ur gonna get banged all over ya gabba like ye kissed tha conkrete!!!"
I'm stuck on the ground outside with my phone. I can see them in my living room on my couch watching rollerblading tournaments on ESPN.
Any advice on how to get these fuckers back? I am beyond angry right now.
One lesson learned: Give a gnome what he wants, or else he'll turn into a chav with no respect. Little assholes.
Credited to WilliamTheTaft
Originally uploaded on August 22, 2014
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