You Drink White Claws?

Why would you drink those? Why? Please explain yourself.

They are the worst things a person can buy. I would rather put money in a blender and drink it. It would somehow be a legitimately better use of money, and would probably get me more drunk too.

I think I actually hate you. I really do. Wow.

If you enjoy whiteclaws as an intoxicating beverage, which for my own sanity I have to believe is the only reason someone would drink them, and you aren't six years old, you have either an eating disorder or cancer and should seek help.

If Hitler himself rose from the grave today, even he would see the moral problem with your consumption of white claws. If one of his camp guards tried to be nice and give the aushwitz residents some whiteclaws, Hitler would have them executed for being too cruel.

If Jeffrey Dahmer were preparing to fuck a decapitated head, and the neighbor knocked on the door and interrupted and offered him a white claw, he would say "Are you deranged? What kind of sick fuck would do this?"

I hope you burn in hell. Seriously. You are below ants in the hierarchy of valuable life.

I care about the microorganism's living in my eyebrow hair follicles infinitely more than I could care about you if you were my own child.

If I found out you died, I would stop being afraid of death myself. It would reassure me that everything will be okay until my dying breath.

The notion that one day, a carbon dioxide molecule you've exhaled might end up inside my body, keeps me up all night every night.

Your mother took a shit when she was giving birth to you, and your father cried tears of joy thinking he had unexpected twins.

Your carcass would give a maggot food poisoning.

You've never had lice because they know better.

AIDS patient zero got it from using a public toilet after you.

9/11 was caused by the pilots faintly seeing you in the distance and spontaneously having strokes. The government hid the fact that you exist and made up Al-Quaida as a better PR move.

The fentanyl epidemic has all been intentional suicides from people who heard from a friend of a friend that you're alive.

Even if you died on Christmas the nation would unanimously agree to replace it with a new more important holiday.

When you turn on the lights in the kitchen at night, the cockroaches all bolt right up your pant legs.

If aliens in the future found a fossil of your skeleton, they would spontaneously experience depression for the first time in their race's history.

Every suicide in a fifty mile radius of where you live gets you a new warrant for negligent homicide.

Your old donated Nike shirts were the root cause of Ebola.

Comments • 0

Loading comments...