And Then, More Stuff Went On!

Hi. My name's Tom. I have a skeletan for a face and a pair of talking shoes. Are you scared yet?

Don't worry. I'm not here to be your spooky sc ary skeleton. I've been there and done that a thousand thousand tyimes. After a while it gets old. You start to wish people would just talk to you normally, instead of screaming and crying and begging for mercy from their uncaring God.

So no, i'm not here to scare you. I'm here to tell you a story of the things I have seen in my travels through the dark side. For you see, I have walked in the halls of madness, outside the world you know. As a pariah in the light of day, i turned to the darkness of the night. I have seen the things that slither. The things that stalk. The things that embrace the darkness, and flee from the light because that's what darkness does, obviously. That's just physics.

I know what evils lurk in the hearts of men and beasts. I know what you can't quite see in thew corner of your eye. I have one foot in the world of men, and one in the world of monsters.

I am... Monster Man!

And I also have a pair of talking shoes, but they aren't really as significant as the other thing. Anyway I was in a bar for monsters having a few drinks with a couple of sexy Draculas and we were talking about Breaking Bad.

Also I'm not gay, I'm just pointing out the the Draculas happened to be sexy. If you're into that kind of thing. I mean I'm not. But if you are. They were pretty sexy.

"It's interesting to see the show as a deconstruction of the concept of heroes and villains -" I was saying when dsuddenly the door burst open and a friendly Wolfman ran in.

"Run! Hide! Run and hide! Hide while continuing tio run! Run while remaining hidden!"

This is prettyu normal for us monsters, so no one paid much attention. But then after him came another monster who was much scarier than regular monsters. His visage was so terrifying that no words could ever truly describe it. basically think of a scary monster plus your childhood bully.

He opened his inexplicable mouth and from it came forth some words. "Where is the one," he said, and then he continued saying, "the one they call Monster Man?"

I was planning on staying quiet and waiting to see if he would get bored, but I was betrayed by someone I had thought to be an old and dear friend.

"It's this one here," yelled Bradley, my shoes. "The idiot in the skeleton mask who's wearing me."

"Shut up, shoes!" I hissed, but it was too late. The shoes had already spoken my deepest darkest secret.

You see, the monsters didn't know that I was half huyman. If they did, who knows what they might do to me?

Luckily, Bradley's voice was somewhat muffled by the fact that my feet were inside him. But the indescribable horror apparently heard enough of it to identify me. He slowly walked towards me. His spurs jangled with every step and his trenchcoat rustled in the gentle breeze of the air-conditioning. I may have forgotted to mention that he was dressed up like an evil cowboy.

"You don't look much like a Monster Man to me," he drawled in a drawling drawl. You look more like a Monster Boy!"

I didn't think that was exactly fair. I mean I am 25. But I didn't really want to say anything at the moment, so I let it slide.

"Folks round these parts say you're the spookiest scariest monster in town," he went on to say. "I reckon I take some offence to that ascertainment."

"Well, um, fear can be very subjective," I said, and then he picked me up and punched me through the wall.

"This here's my town now!" He yelled through the wall-hole. "My town, my bar, and my sexy Draculas!"

I thought about telling him that I didn't actually own the bar or the Draculas - or anything in the town, for that matter - but then I remembered that I had just been punched through a wall and decided not to say anything.

"You're such a bitch, Tom," said my shoes.

"Shut up, shoes," I sighed.

And that was the b eginhning of my feud with Murtagh. oh btw his name was Murtagh. I went and slept in a forest where no one could see me. I cried and wept and got further insulted by my shoes, because now I was an outcast in both worlds. Feared by one, hated by another. I had nothing.

Except my stupid fucking asshole shoes.

---

Credited to Haulage 

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