ALF Lost Episode: Difference between revisions
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I got the pops, an ice cold litre of milk and a cereal bowl. I also got utensils including spoons and forks. While forks are not normally used to cut up Alf Pops, sometimes there are rats in these old cereal boxes and I needed a weapon to defend myself if this was such a case. You probably don't believe me, and if you don't that makes you an asshole. And if there's one thing I don't do, it's plead to assholes.
I poured the cereal and milk into the bowl and got a hefty spoonful before my two front teeth broke off and flew across the room. The
"You'll
I put the VHS tape on, expecting a great program. I've been here before, I know I've been here before, It's all too familiar. It's been thirty years, but Alf is finally making a comeback. Here, with me. The jazzy eighties intro played and it took me back to a nostalgic era back when everything was simpler. Alf was crying. He was a hairy alien, not unlike your parents that birthed you asshole. Birthed your asshole. There's a phone ringing in my head.
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"Alf, have you been going through the laundry again?" It was that father character, you know, you remember him. Don't you? Alf smiled. "No, but I ate your wife's pussy out last night!" The audience laughed very loudly. "What the fuck is wrong with you!" It soon became clear that Alf had been masquerading as a Spanish gardener in order to acquire free food and housing while evading the border police. "What the fuck is this!" They opened their fridge to find that several dead cats had been gutted, killed. Their throats had been slit, their eyes were bulging out and their disconnected teeth glistened. "I've been killing your cats and eating them!" He giggled. While Alf normally ate cats regularly on the show, it was never fully addressed that he had a serial killer method of gutting and consuming them.
"I'm getting the shotgun." The father walked out of the room and the camera man accidentally sent the camera reeling to the left. "I smear butter on the cats before I eat them!" Alf snickered and his glass eyes popped out, revealing hollow holes. The puppet was falling apart. You hear a shotgun blast as the Alf puppet skitters into the other room. "DON'T TOUCH HIM!" The father screamed. "THE ALF HUSKS ARE MULTIPLYING!" Indeed, several alf-shaped husks were producing tiny Alfs that were crawling all over the place. Alf began to bleed red jelly all over the floor as the mother and daughter screamed at the sight of
"FEED ME." He squealed. "FEED ME!" This is how all diseases work. They build your trust to infiltrate your system before they multiply and kill the host. Several audience members had left and the director kept yelling cut while the Alf puppet slowly devoured the cast and cat corpses.
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I simply wasn't buying it. He said that he would heal my missing teeth before sticking two chiclets in the frontal cavities and vanished. "You can't see me." Alf whispered. "But I will always be watching you. I will be watching you shave, shower, eat, sleep. You are the aliens, John. We populated this distant planet a long time ago in the hopes of finding a clean vessel to take back to our home world. But you are not the individual we seek to accomplish here John, James, John. Jim, no, you are the aliens.
And
"They're waiting for your Sermon, Joseph." Alf said, and winked at me.
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I cleared my throat and looked out at the audience. Someone had carved out 2/3 of my breakfast nook and filled it with shitty Alf puppets. "What the hell, that nook cost thousands!" I yelled. There was no studio audience, it was just a tape recorder left behind some puppets.
I went into the back alley and heard my neighbor snickering. I picked up some gardening shears and cut his genitals off. My
The Alf suit drifted up into the heavens in a bright, sparkling beam of light as its internal organs fell out like delicious fruit punch with fish guts in it. I gave the puppet a middle finger and yelled "fuck you" before the ship crashed into the side of my house and exploded into a million tiny Alf vesicles that crawled into my skin.
I could feel them crawl into my mouth as I ate my eggs. They went into my throat, into my intestines, and multiplied. They crawled up through my central nervous system, shimmied into my blood stream and danced in my Alf Alf. You may think I'm crazy, but Alf. They fused to my spine and crawled behind my eyes while they started swimming like pig worm trichinosis. They have fused to the vessels and control the host body. I picked up the Book of Mormon Alf Mormon. I had so much to show the world. My crooked centipede legs skittered across the living room as I invited some Jehova's witnesses in. Oh, I had so much to show
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