Attack of the Bug-Eyed Coat Hanger: Difference between revisions
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As I go to church every Sunday, I often come across a coat hanger standing right next to the Clerk's office. I never trusted that thing because I never wore a coat to church and it seems to have eyes like those of an alien or a bug, but that doesn't stop me from toying with it. One night, I heard what sounded like wooden footsteps and then a knock on my bedroom door. I was too tired to see who was knocking.
The coat hanger
▲The coat hanger was standing right behind me. It’s “head” turned to face me to reveal those “eyes”. I ran into the family room, but it followed me as it trotted on its two front legs (the one and only back leg was used as a tail). I ran outside and hopped into a neighbor’s pickup truck. I told the neighbor “quick, drive me to Hixson High” and with that, we took off like there was no tomorrow.
As I laid in the trunk, I was shocked to see that the coat hanger was laying right next to me. I picked it up and threw it out. The neighbor asked what the matter was and just as I turned to answer, I was even more shocked to see that the coat hanger was running right towards us. I told the driver to pick up speed and he did, losing the coat hanger as we speeded right past a police car.
We pulled over at our destination so that the police would give my neighbor a speeding ticket. No sooner did the coat hanger caught up and the two officers initiated fire with an LWRC M6A1 carbine and a Taurus Tracker Model 455 revolver, with the driver joining them with a Mossberg 500A Field Gun. I ran into the building and settled in Room 205. While I was surfing the Internet looking at level maps for videogames, I heard a choking noise. I turned around to see the coat hanger shoving a bar of soap down a
The coat hanger drew a Taurus Tracker Model 455 revolver out of hammerspace and fired at me, but I blocked the bullets with the chair I was sitting on. While it was reloading its gun,
My dad came in to help me by punching the coat
I was about to settle down when a familiar horror caught my eye: The coat hanger. In its hand was blood and the cysts that were in by
It punched me in the face and I fell backwards. I spotted a Franchi SPAS-12 shotgun with a foldable stock and twenty-four rounds of 12 Gauge perched on top on a crateful of others with fixed stocks. I grabbed the gun, locked and loaded, sat the chambering mode to manual, and fired away. The eighth and final shot blew the coat
I reloaded the shotgun, sat the chambering mode to semiauto, and resumed shooting to no avail. I placed the firearm back on its perch and climbed to the roof of the train, where the coat hanger started to approach me from the diesel. It chased me all the way to the end, where I had no choice but to throw myself into the Tennessee River. Before I could hit the water, I was saved by a tractor beam that pulled me straight up into a flying saucer with the Coat Hanger proceeding to fall into the river below.
I stared in awe as the alien exploited her expertise at belly-dancing, the mere sight of which gave me an erection. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and I swooned, falling flat on my face to the floor. I watched as it changed from a generic gray color to see-through, showing me a good view of Earth, the Solar System, and the Milky Way as the flying saucer soared deep into the cosmos through hyperspace. A scream of laughter startled me and I got up on my feet. I wish I hadn’t.▼
Goody Two-Shoes was undergoing tickle torture as the coat hanger held her in place while pushing her bellybutton and tickling her loins, midriff, armpits, and kneepits with its now-dull fingers. It spotted me, discarded the alien, and approached me saying “stick your thumb up her nose, you melon-farming worthless thumb-sucker!” A rack of DC-15A laser rifles caught my eye. I grabbed one of those fancy sci-fi weapons, locked and loaded, and blasted away. The coat hanger appeared to be shocked by the loss of its arms.▼
Goody Two-Shoes, having recovered from her stimulating experience, cowered to the controls of her flying saucer, ejected the coat hanger into space, and flew back to Earth via hyperspace, but it teleported back onto her spaceship only to be ejected into a random forest, where it got shot down by deer hunters with what sounded like Remington Model 7600 rifles, Colt Python revolvers, and Heckler & Koch HK94A3 submachine guns. This caught the attention of the US Air Force as they sent Lockheed AC-130 gunships, Boeing AH-64 Apache attack helicopters, Boeing F-15 Eagle fighters, Northrop Grumman B-2 Spirit stealth bombers, and Sikorsky CH-53E Super Stallion helicopters to shoot us down. Fortunately, this unidentified flying object didn’t come unarmed.▼
▲I stared in awe as the alien exploited her expertise at belly
Me sitting right next to her at the controls for what only felt like hours gave Goody Two-Shoes the nerve to ask me if I could massage her arms, legs, and abdomen while her ship was on autopilot mode. So I did; her skin was very smooth and warm. Goody Two-Shoes actually had the heart to teleport me back to Hixson before zooming back to infinity and beyond via hyperspace, never to be seen again. My experience with that cute alien would be best described as a “Big-Lipped Alligator Moment;” a situation that comes right the heck out of nowhere, has little to no bearing whatsoever on the plot, is way over-the-top in terms of ridiculousness (even within the context of this creepypasta), and no one ever speaks of it again after it happens.▼
▲Goody Two-Shoes was undergoing tickle torture as the coat hanger held her in place while pushing her bellybutton and tickling her loins, midriff, armpits, and kneepits with its now-dull fingers. It spotted me, discarded the alien, and approached me saying
Anyway, I walked back into my house to see that my dad was alive and well, except for the bandages on his head where his cysts used to be. As I went into the family room to do some research on dealing with living furniture, I heard my dad cussing his head off out of frustration, followed by a choking noise. I rushed into the living room to see what the matter was. I wish I hadn’t.▼
▲Goody Two-Shoes, having recovered from her stimulating experience, cowered to the controls of her flying saucer
The coat hanger was back with its arms regenerated (although its hands were black this time around). I caught it in the act of shoving a bar of soap down my father’s throat. It turned its head to me and said “Your mother will be sucking stalagmites in the Inferno, Haywood Krueger, you faithless slime!” Infuriated, I chased that coat hanger clear across the house until we got outside, where I took out an ax and hacked it to pieces. When I went back inside the house, I heard multiple wooden footsteps.▼
▲
▲Anyway, I walked back into my house to see that my dad was alive and well, except for the bandages on his head where his cysts used to be. As I went into the
▲The coat hanger was back with its arms regenerated (although its hands were black this time around). I caught it in the act of shoving a bar of soap down my
Between waves of armed personnel, I realized that the coat hanger was unable to regenerate properly after getting burned. One of the coat hangers had mutated into a huge wooden skeletal dragon. I shouted "what do you want from me!" The lead coat hanger revealed itself to be the ghost of a future Christian extremist who travelled back in time to prevent me from directing an animated movie that would unintentionally insult the Catholic Church.
▲My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the sound of gunshots; the police had finally arrived with their LWRC M6A1 and Ruger AC556 rifles, Glock 31 pistols, Taurus Tracker Model 455 revolvers, Taurus MT-40 submachine guns, Remington 870 shotguns, Remington 700PSS sniper rifles, and Heckler & Koch AG-C grenade launchers and commenced fire with little effort. A Special Weapons and Tactics team arrived with its arsenal of FN Five-seveN pistols, FN Barracuda revolvers, FN P90 submachine guns, FN SLP shotguns, FN F2000 and FN SCAR-H rifles, FN SSR sniper rifles, and FN GL-1 grenade launchers and commenced fire with some effort. The National Guard arrived with Colt M16 and FN FAL rifles, Beretta 92FS pistols, Smith & Wesson Model 29 revolvers, Heckler & Koch MP5A3 submachine guns, Franchi SPAS-12 shotguns, Knight’s Armament SR-25 sniper rifles, Browning M2HB and FN Minimi machine guns, GE M134 miniguns, M67 hand grenades, Colt M203 grenade launchers, Milkor MGLs, Carl Gustav M2 rocket launchers, M2 Flamethrowers, M48 Patton tanks, M9 Bayonets, and sabers and commenced fire with great effort.
And the Lord spoke, saying
I did as the Lord had instructed me to do. I removed the Holy Pin, counted to three, and lobbed the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch at the core of the lead coat hanger, obliterating it. The army of living coat hangers stopped dead in its tracks and crumbled into dust. Every Sunday after that, I would go to church and come across a coat hanger identical to the one I had destroyed standing right next to the
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