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I'm a LEGO maniac.
I can't help it. I've been building with these Danish plastic blocks for as long as I can remember. I collect all sorts of LEGO sets, everything from classic LEGOLAND Space to
But let's talk about LEGO videogames. When
That is, until one fateful day this past winter. I was playing The LEGO Movie Videogame on the PC, checking out a cool cheat code that unlocks Johnny Thunder and wondering why he simply wasn't available from the start because clearly everyone would want to play as him so it is a mystery why you can't play as him unless you know a cheat code. It was about 1:53 in the afternoon when I heard my grandmother screaming at me, "ZACK! THE MAILMAN ARRIVED TWO HOURS AGO! STOP PLAYING THAT GAME AND MAKE YOURSELF USEFUL, YOUNG MAN!"
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As I brought it inside the house and put it down on the kitchen table, I was expecting to find another unemployment check. Instead, much to my surprise, I found a CD case and a note. Even though it was written very messily as though its writer was in a hurry, I immediately recognized the handwriting on the note as belonging to my old friend and former fellow LEGO maniac, Jack.
<blockquote>''Zack,''
''I've had enough of this. I can't handle it anymore. It's too much for me. I had to get rid of this somehow, but instead of destroying it myself or just selling it on eBay, I thought giving it to you was a much better option. Please don't make me regret this decision by doing something stupid that would end up being written about in some lame overly-clichéd creepypasta.''
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''Please, Zack, you have to destroy this disc because I cannot for some poorly-explained reasons. It's the only way. Do NOT play it. Please, for the love of all that is holy, whatever you do, do NOT play it. I trust you as a friend, Zack. Please don't make me feel that my trust has been misplaced by going against what I am telling you.''
''Do NOT play it. Do NOT even think about playing it. Do NOT even think about not playing it. You cannot let yourself be tempted, even though it is the only fully-functional copy of
''Oh, wow! A fully-functional copy of
With that, I tossed aside the note and looked at the CD. It was blank and plain on appearance, though the words "BOB.EXE" were scrawled on it with permanent black marker. I immediately recalled that Bob was the name of
I rushed back to my computer and immediately exited out of The LEGO Movie Videogame, and in my haste I even forgot to save. Not that it mattered, anyway. I took out the disc for The LEGO Movie Videogame and threw in the CD for "BOB.EXE" so quickly that I nearly shattered it to pieces in my excitement.
This opened the
[[file:BOBERT.png|thumb|TOTALLY NOT PHOTOSHOPPED! I SWEAR!]]
I typed in my LEGO.com username and password and clicked the blue arrow to continue. The "Connecting to Authentication" message popped up... and then, for approximately 0.51 seconds, the game flashed something very different. Something that I'm somehow able to remember perfectly in the instant it appeared.
The
But worst of all was Bob. He looked fairly normal, staring at me with a perpetual smile, but there was something horribly wrong about his normally-comforting smile... and there was BLOOD dripping from his empty black eyes.
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But, as I said, this only approximately 0.51 seconds, so it didn't bother me. I just thought I imagined it. My therapist often tells me that I imagine things. He just doesn't understand... all I need to do is JUST IMAGINE...
After that, it stayed on the "Connecting to Authentication" screen for about 10.3 seconds before moving on to the character select screen. To my surprise, none of the four characters displayed were my characters prior to
In my excitement, I did not notice right away a few things that seemed wrong. In the background, there is normally a bunch of blue-tinted stick figures playing around. Here, they were red-tinted instead and appeared to be missing their heads. There was probably some BLOOD, too.
I wasn't worried. So what if there were a few graphical and auditory glitches? I was going to play
The screen went black for a loose estimate of 9.896 seconds. Then, the loading screen popped up and said that my destination was the Venture Explorer. Now this was the first time I thought something was odd. Was Hael Storm's savefile really only on the tutorial level of the game? I also noticed that the Venture Explorer's artwork depicted the spaceship looking even more wrecked than I remembered it. I just assumed that this was one of those new files that it downloaded; probably some cool hyper-realistic graphics update that was never released thanks to
When Hael Storm spawned on the Venture Explorer, the first thing I noticed was that the Venture Explorer's interior was also considerably more wrecked than I remembered it, with entire pieces of the walkway chewed up into pieces. The nearby pods of sleeping minifigures in suspended animation were cracked open, but the minifigures inside remained lifeless. At first, Jett Moonshot was nowhere to be seen, but then I found his body smashed into pieces in a pool of BLOOD. There were more suspicious pools of BLOOD coating the entire world. I wasn't sure what
I made my way to the Venture Explorer Bridge, where Bob was waiting for me. Like before, his face was locked in a perpetual grin with BLOOD dripping from his eyes. He popped one arm out of its socket to wave it at me, which I remembered being a cute little animation in the vein of LEGO Island. But now, when Bob popped his arm out, a fountain of BLOOD erupted from his open socket in a manner reminiscent of the Black Knight from
The game indicated that Bob had a mission for me. I interacted with him to accept the mission. His dialogue was simply, "HEY KID. DO YOU WANT TO USE YOUR IMAGINATION?" I didn't remember this dialogue from the game, but I shrugged it off. Why should I be afraid? It was only a videogame.
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However, upon grabbing the sixth orb, Bob's face started flashing on the screen. The game started lagging horribly as the framerate took a nosedive. This caused me to miss a jump and Hael Storm promptly fell into the wiring of the ship where he was horrifically electrocuted.
I was seething. "That's cheap!" I yelled at the computer. "I died because of
The "Smashed!" pop-up appeared, but it was different. Instead of Bob, it depicted Hael Storm, with gratuitous amounts of BLOOD pouring out of his mutilated body. The word "Smashed!" was replaced with "Dead!"
But worst of all, the "Rebuild" option was not available. This especially irritated me because I thought that the game was glitched and I would have to restart in order to close the pop-up, which I already had to do enough times in beta testing and wasn't particularly eager to relive
Fortunately, after about 7.4259 seconds, the screen cut to black with Bob's laugh echoing in the background. Then, approximately 10.2651 seconds later, the game returned to the character select screen.
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So, I decided to try another character: Vanda Darkflame. Again, as I clicked the red arrow to continue, Bob's laugh was heard as the screen cut to black for a rough estimate of 9.953726 seconds. When the loading screen popped up, this time my destination was Avant Gardens.
Vanda Darkflame spawned near the wrecked Paradox Research Facility.
I went to find Wisp Lee, expecting that he would give me a mission to find Epsilon Starcracker. Instead, Wisp Lee was covered in bandages. Or rather, more bandages than usual. He was wrapped in bandages from head to toe like a mummy. The bandages also looked like they were stained with BLOOD.
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The mission was to build a Satellite Beacon to call in a Sentinel Flight airstrike. I found one of the quick builds fairly quickly and assembled it. The Satellite Beacon made an unusual sound that sounded like an 8-bit version of Bob's laugh. Moments later, I heard the familiar sound of Sentinel Flight zooming overhead. However, instead of aiming for the nearby Stromlings and Stromling Mech, Sentinel Flight bombed Vanda Darkflame instead! She screamed as she was consumed in the explosion, and when the dust settled, there was nothing but a pool of BLOOD where she once stood. Bob's face flashed on-screen for nearly 0.31415926 seconds when this happened.
"Oh, come on!" I grumbled. "Do you really expect me to buy
The "Smashed!" pop-up appeared, looking just as it did before with "Dead!" text and lots of BLOOD. However, this time, it was Vanda Darkflame depicted in the pop-up instead of Hael Storm. Just as before, there was no option to "Rebuild", and I had to wait roughly 6.73859372 seconds before the screen cut to black with Bob's laugh echoing in the background.
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About 10.29485715 seconds later, I was back at the character select screen. Like Hael, Vanda Darkflame's minifigure was desaturated, depressed, and crying BLOOD. She wasn't playable anymore, either, so I moved on to the next character: Duke Exeter.
I clicked on the red arrow to continue, Bob laughed, and the screen cut to black for nearly 10.04867397 seconds. The loading screen indicated that I was going back to Avant Gardens. This time, Duke Exeter spawned in the Sentinel Base Camp.
Deciding that I didn't want to remain in the Sentinel Base Camp, I made my way for the tunnel to the Assembly Monument. However, the jump pad required to pass the tunnel indicated that I needed Theo Balfour's permission in order to use it. Seeing as Theo Balfour was lying decapitated in a pool of BLOOD and probably wasn't up for much conversation, I guessed that I was stuck in the Sentinel Base Camp for now.
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Knowing it wasn't worth arguing since I always lose arguments against my grandmother anyways, I grumbled to myself. I shut down BOB.EXE, got up from my computer, walked two feet to the couch, and lay down upon it.
▲''But it was too late. I realized that Bob had no power over me. It was all just a dream. And when you know you're dreaming... you can take the dream in any direction you want.''
[[File:ALonelyPotatoScreamed.png|thumb|SPOOKY SCARY POTATOES!]]
''With a sly chuckle, I snapped my fingers, and Bob turned into a potato. I then took off in flight like Superman and went on all sorts of zany psychedelic dream adventures full of pink elephants and shapeshifting dragons; an elderly interdimensional ruler who believed in literal blind justice; a cult of people who were accidentally worshipping Unikitty; a bunch of ghosts arguing over whose house they were haunting; some mischievous gremlins who were backing up the sewage pipes; and a LEGO Store that had every single LEGO set, including those that don't even exist, but always smelled musty for some reason. Everything was awesome.''▼
▲
''And off in some corner of the dreamscape, a lonely potato screamed, "CURSE YOU, LEONARDO DICAPRIO!"''▼
▲
I woke up from my nap several hours later. "Wow," I thought aloud, "that was
Just like he appeared in my dream, Duke Exeter was depressed, desaturated, and crying BLOOD. He was no longer playable either. I could tell that there was a predictable pattern forming, but since I was bored and had nothing better to do, I decided to select the final playable character: Doctor Overbuild. As I expected, clicking the red arrow caused Bob to laugh and the screen to cut to black for about 9.79035834961 seconds. Once again, the destination was Avant Gardens.
Doctor Overbuild spawned at the base of Assembly Monument. The monument appeared to be on the verge of collapse and did not look very well-maintained compared to its normal appearance. It was also covered with dead birds and BLOOD. Rusty Steele was horribly maimed and lying in a pool of BLOOD, but by this point I was so used to seeing this sort of imagery that I was completely desensitized.
As I expected, it was Bob who stood where Rusty normally would stand, offering a mission. This time, although Bob was still grinning and still had BLOOD dripping from his eyes, his demeanor seemed a little angrier than before. I guess he wanted revenge for being turned into a potato in my dream. When I interacted with him, his mission text simply said, "YOU CANNOT BEAT ME."
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I could do nothing but stare at this gruesome image for approximately 30.2859385719385 seconds. Then, as Bob's laugh echoed in the background, horrible and demonic, text appeared super-imposed on this image...
I was too shocked to speak and simply stared at this message in horror.
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Only now did I realize... what a complete and utter waste of time this was.
And as soon as I found my voice, I made sure Bob knew it. "Really? ''Really''? YOU ARE BOB? Gee, I would have ''never'' have guessed! Thanks, Captain Obvious, you saved the day! What was the point of this? I just wasted all this time and sat through all that BLOOD just so Bob could go on a quest of self-discovery? Maybe you should've said 'I AM BLOOD' instead; now ''that'' would have made more sense given this game's obsession with BLOOD! Man, this was stupid! What was I thinking? What a load of MegaBloks! That's it, I've had it! I'm going to smash this CD into pieces so that you can change this message to 'I AM DEAD' and ''that'' won't be a big surprise either!"▼
▲And as soon as I found my voice, I made sure Bob knew it. "Really?
I was kicked back to the character select screen by the time I was finished ranting, though I could have sworn that Bob's expression turned rather disgruntled just before the screen change. Doctor Overbuild now joined the other Nexus Force Faction Leaders in being desaturated and crying BLOOD, but I thought that, this time, they looked more mildly annoyed rather than depressed, as though they too were incredulous of the utter stupidity of this game.
▲[[file:JustImagine.png|thumb|THIS IS SCARY, RIGHT?]]
Then, it turned out that I didn't need to shut the game off myself, because my computer spontaneously shut off on its own. I couldn't turn it back on, so I started muttering curses under my breath because now I'm pretty sure that this game was so bad that it broke my computer.
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I'm just imagining how much money I could make by auctioning it off of eBay.
{{v|reading|r8_l-fYbhec}}
{{hrb}}
''Read the official sequel [[BOB.EXE/Round 2|here]]''
[[Category:Satire]]
[[Category:Vidya games]]
[[Category:File Extensions]]
▲[[Category:Hyper-realistic]]
[[Category:Blatant Ripoffs]]
[[Category:Hyper-realistic]]
[[Category:Pointless Violence]]
[[Category:Dreams]]
[[Category:Overused Running Gag]]
[[Category:Stupid is as the main character does]]
[[Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck]]
▲[[Category:Shok ending]]
[[Category:Crappy ms paint drawings]]
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[[Category:MOTHER OF FUCK THIS PAGE IS LONG LIKE MY PAINIS]]
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[[Category:Read by SOG]]
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[[Category:Hall of Fame]]
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