Barney the Dinosaur Gave Me a Vasectomy: Difference between revisions
Barney the Dinosaur Gave Me a Vasectomy (view source)
Revision as of 18:33, 22 August 2023
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(Created page with "{{NSFW}} {{Note credit|A George Jetson origin story by DaveTheUseless...}} “Number 576? Your order is ready.” A chill went down my spine. Could this truly be the end? It was a Black Friday evening, and I had spent all day searching for the greatest possible deals on cell phones, Nintendo Switch consoles, and even common everyday accessories such as lightbulbs and ear wax removal kits. Well, no more time to get emotional about life. Had I failed at life? Had humanit...") |
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{{Note credit|A George Jetson origin story by DaveTheUseless...}}
I bit into the Taco Bell Doritos Loco taco and fantasized about what life could have been before I heard a bloodcurdling scream. This actually
When I got home I scheduled my vasectomy operation.
The next day I enjoyed my traditional breakfast of Mountain Dew and Taco Bell products before catching an Uber over to the
The scene inside the office was curious. Children looking horrified. Mystified. One, eyes bulging, muttered some mystery about discovering a discarded knife in a sandcastle. Another told a story about deconstructing his Christianity, settling on belief in a noninterventionist Deistic god, and then arriving at a Richard Dawkins style full-blown New Atheism because of the horrors he could never hope to unsee. I rang the
Perusing the posters, I read similar motivational captions.
As I approached the
A nurse with no sign of love for life slightly twisted open the doorknob, and there was the doctor. I
A doctor in a purple t-shirt, green jeans, and slight, conical protrusions—slight, but enough that I could eye them with the naked eye—protruded from his back.
I
I
Well, I looked at his photograph. No, it
When I woke up, I was in a hospital room. Not an emergency room, but a typical hospital room with bed, TV, private bathroom, tiny sofa, bedside rolling table—all the usual amenities. I laid down in disbelief for what must have been at least fifteen or twenty minutes. I felt a sort of disembodiment from my reproductive area, or what had been left of it. I checked the date on a wall calendar: August 22<sup>nd</sup>, 2022.
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Finally, a blonde-haired nurse with a Georgian accent came in and delivered the news.
Yet… I had no siblings.
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