Cars: The Lost Beta Movie: Difference between revisions
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Alright children, shut the fuck up,
He brought his car into my shop one day after Monsters, Inc had come out, and said it was running funny. I did my usual inspection, checking tires, checking spark plugs, checking oil levels, power steering, the whole nine yards, until I decided to start up the car to detect anything unusual. There was what sounded like plastic clanking around in the engine. I took another look in the engine, and there sat near the coolant tank was a musty VHS cassette tape. It said "Cars" on the label written in brown Crayola washable marker. I thought it to be some kind of car showcase video, so I took it home with me. Big, big mistake.
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I popped the VHS into my VCR and sat down in front of my idiotbox with some Disney-themed fruit snacks and began this wonderful vehicular viewing. Little did I know that I was in for a shock that would resonate with me to this day.
The first thing to pop on screen was a note in white text on a black background that said "Cars: Copyright 2001, Pixar Animation Studios. Not to be viewed by the public." So apparently this was a preview of an upcoming movie from Pixar about cars! I was indeed excited about this. The short opened with heavy breathing. "Focus. Speed. I am speed.
It then cut to Lightning McQueen, white powder still on his face, racing with other formula cars. McQueen was designed a bit different in this compared to the final product to be released just 4 and a half short years later. His shape was more boxy and his racing number was 57 instead of 95. He was quickly gaining the first place spot when the antagonist, Chick Hicks came up behind him. He also looked different. He had a more generic racecar shape and had a Hitler mustache-style grill.
He came up behind McQueen and pushed him, sending McQueen spinning out of control and tumbling down the track, highly realistic car parts flying everywhere, then getting run over by every single racecar on the track. The music that had been playing stopped as the dust settled, the scene now completely silent as the camera slowly pans in on
It gets even freakier. After a cut to black, it cuts to McQueen in a hospital, surrounded by the cars from Radiator Springs. Sally, Mater, Doc Hudson, Luigi, Guido, Ramone, Flo, Red, and Lizzie were all at
"Well, looks like this is the end." McQueen stated with a small, half-hearted chuckle. No one else spoke a word. Just watched as
It cut to Sally wearing a monocle and wooden teeth, holding a Twinkie, listening to what McQueen had to say. A piece of paper with a heart with a crack down the middle appeared on
It then faded to McQueen in Hell, perfectly normal and intact. What followed was Satan himself and Lightning McQueen competing in a rap battle. Weird since I thought Satan could just play a mean fiddle, I guess he got with the times. Satan was the first to go. "Yo, yo,
Satan responded to
WHAT.
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FUCK.
McQueen responded with, surprise surprise, another shitty rhyme! "Shut the damn up, my lyrics are fire, yours
As I reached for the volume button on my television since the white noise was too loud, McQueen and Satan both turned and looked at the camera, out the television, at me, into my soul. They were crying tears of incredibly realistic blood and had razors for teeth. "Turn down that volume and
Then I heard my doorbell ring. As I stood up to answer the door, all the fluid in my bladder that had built up from the past approximately two days immediately exited out my dickhole, soaking my underwear and pants completely. I quickly ran to replace my soiled trousers and opened the door. It was John Lasseter. He had a crazed look on his face and was wearing a hawaiian shirt with Twinkies on it. "I NEED THAT TAPE BACK!" Lasseter sputtered, spitting and salivating all over my brand-new expensive antique rug that I spent several years of hard-earned car-repair dollars to purchase. I told him that I
When I awoke, I felt different, but I
I would like to close this story off by saying, the Cars movies are not CGI.
Mom, dad,
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[[Category:Satire]]
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[[Category:Lost Episodes]]
[[Category:WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT]]
[[Category:Excessive Profanity]]
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