Cars: The Lost Beta Movie: Difference between revisions
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Alright children, shut the fuck up, it’s time for yours truly to tell a terrifying tale of… tits… I don’t know, just wanted to keep the alliteration going is all. I was a car repairman several years ago for Pixar employees. One of the higher ups, John Lasseter, who earned the nickname Dickface McTwinkieson around the workplace after eating 20 specially made dick-shaped Twinkies in under a minute and 30 seconds. He also crafted a penis out of chalk. The 90s was the best decade in the history of the world.
He brought his car into my shop one day after Monsters, Inc had come out, and said it was running funny. I did my usual inspection, checking tires, checking spark plugs, checking oil levels, power steering, the whole nine yards, until I decided to start up the car to detect anything unusual. There was what sounded like plastic clanking around in the engine. I took another look in the engine, and there sat near the coolant tank was a musty VHS cassette tape. It said
I popped the VHS into my VCR and sat down in front of my idiotbox with some Disney-themed fruit snacks and began this wonderful vehicular viewing. Little did I know that I was in for a shock that would resonate with me to this day.
The first thing to pop on screen was a note in white text on a black background that said
It then cut to Lightning McQueen, white powder still on his face, racing with other formula cars. McQueen was designed a bit different in this compared to the final product to be released just 4 and a half short years later. His shape was more boxy and his racing number was 57 instead of 95. He was quickly gaining the first place spot when the antagonist, Chick Hicks came up behind him. He also looked different. He had a more generic racecar shape and had a Hitler mustache-style grill.
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It gets even freakier. After a cut to black, it cuts to McQueen in a hospital, surrounded by the cars from Radiator Springs. Sally, Mater, Doc Hudson, Luigi, Guido, Ramone, Flo, Red, and Lizzie were all at McQueen’s bedside. He was dying from his previous injuries. His whole body was completely bent and dented, his spoiler was dangling off his body, one of his eyes was gouged out, and he had bitten his tongue in half during the crash. The animation was absolutely terrible here. It looked like it was animated by someone who had just learned how to use Autodesk Maya. It was choppy and robot-like. The shading, lighting, texturing and everything else was in perfect order however.
It cut to Sally wearing a monocle and wooden teeth, holding a Twinkie, listening to what McQueen had to say. A piece of paper with a heart with a crack down the middle appeared on McQueen’s face as he continued. He began to speak in tongues, what sounded to be Yiddish mixed with a hint of German. Subtitle slides that were used in silent films appeared translating what he was speaking. It said
It then faded to McQueen in Hell, perfectly normal and intact. What followed was Satan himself and Lightning McQueen competing in a rap battle. Weird since I thought Satan could just play a mean fiddle, I guess he got with the times. Satan was the first to go.
Satan responded to McQueen’s shitty rhyme with another shitty rhyme.
WHAT.
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FUCK.
McQueen responded with, surprise surprise, another shitty rhyme!
As I reached for the volume button on my television since the white noise was too loud, McQueen and Satan both turned and looked at the camera, out the television, at me, into my soul. They were crying tears of incredibly realistic blood and had razors for teeth.
Then I heard my doorbell ring. As I stood up to answer the door, all the fluid in my bladder that had built up from the past approximately two days immediately exited out my dickhole, soaking my underwear and pants completely. I quickly ran to replace my soiled trousers and opened the door. It was John Lasseter. He had a crazed look on his face and was wearing a hawaiian shirt with Twinkies on it.
When I awoke, I felt different, but I couldn’t tell how. John Lasseter and the rest of the Pixar team was surrounding me. When they realized I awoke, Lasseter started speaking.
I would like to close this story off by saying, the Cars movies are not CGI. They’re real. I played Lightning McQueen in the 3 Cars movies, and other tortured souls play the other characters. It could have easily been done in CGI, but John Lasseter and the entire Pixar crew are a bunch of sadists. I am writing this as I am attempting suicide by drinking Clorox. Goodbye everyone, it was nice knowing you for the time it took you to listen to this story.
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