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When I opened the mailbox, the corners of my mouth dropped into a disappointed frown as I found no coupons were there. However, an eyebrow raising curiosity came over me when I saw an envelope. When I got in the house, I plopped on the couch and opened the envelope to find a letter from my friend. I know it’s my friend who wrote the letter because I know his handwriting, even though his handwriting looked like some kind of Cuneiform because he was in a hurry to get his message across. So, I got out my Rosetta Stone (The actual stone, not the computer software) and translated the message.
So, I did what any rational human being would do with basic common sense after they’ve been warned about something having life-endangering consequences behind them. I shrugged off the letter and said,
Upon further investigating the envelope, I found a CD inside. When I looked at the front of the CD, I saw it was written on with a Rosy Pink Crayola type marker. The CD simply said
I remember when we were kids, playing in the arcade while Mom went to do her nails or go shopping or whatever she done when she finally could get rid of me for a while. So, Mom gave me five dollars in quarters before dropping my friend and me off in front of the arcade. I seriously don’t even remember her coming to a full stop. Anyway, we went in and played our favorite game; Mortal Kombat. I was never any good at the game, but there was a lot of blood and gore and things my tiny eyes weren’t supposed to see and I got a thrill out of that. So, after a couple of hours of playing in the arcade, we eventually ran out of quarters. We went on a frantic search to find quarters that people carelessly dropped before the ‘Continue?’ countdown reached zero. Sometimes, we were fortunate to make it, but most of the time we found a quarter and rushed back to our game only to see the dreaded ‘Game Over’ display on the screen. Soon, Johnny’s mom came to pick us up. (We’ll just call my friend Johnny.)
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The Final Fantasy VII logo began dripping this crimson liquid off of it. "What in the eternal blazes of Hell’s ass crack is going on?" I wondered. Suddenly, a crimson rain came pouring down. The screen started slowly scrolling upwards. None of this was normal, and I was shitting bricks. I mean, I was shitting so many bricks, I could build a little shit brick house and put a little shit picket fence around it. So, after going through four rolls of toilet tissue and two packs of moist wipes, I continued to play this abomination of a game. I know I’m horrified and I just built a little shit house, but I just shrugged it off and said, "Meh. I’ll keep on going."
When the screen had rolled up as far as it would go, it revealed Cloud’s giant blade, covered in what could only be described as SUPER-DUPER, ULTIMATE HYPER REALISTIC BLOOD TO THE THIRD DEGREE TIMES THE SQUARE ROOT OF E=MC SQUARED! I felt more bricks passing through my large intestine, but I managed to keep them held in. There was a prompt that told me to press start, and I did. That’s when I heard Mario’s demonic voice say, ‘It’s a-me! Mario!’ Then, the background changed into the Green Hill Zone Act One from one of the Sonic games. Oh yeah, and the Lavender Town song started to play, backwards! Then, some bass came in and Drake started rapping to the reversed song. I was bobbing my head now and was like,
As I went forward, the textbox from Pokémon came up. It read,
Samus continued on and then ran into Pac Man and the ghosts! Samus cocked her head to the side and another question mark popped over her head. I was going to make Samus approach Pac Man, but then Freddy, Chica, Foxy, Bonnie, Mangled and the other toy models (excluding Balloon Boy) from Five Nights at Freddy’s popped up on the screen, doing their jumpscares back to back in an unholy montage. Yep, I released those bricks when that happened. I could build a shitty community there was so many bricks. But, even though sheer terror ran through my body, I still played the game!
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From the sky came Sephiroth with his blade covered in this HYPER DIPPITY-DO-DA REALISTIC BLOOD TIMES THE SPEED OF LIGHT DIVIDED BY THE SPEED OF SOUND TIMES THE ROTATION OF THE EARTH AROUND THE SUN. I shit half of a brick after seeing this. I use it to prop my door open. Anyway, after this happened, the normal Final Fantasy dialogue box popped up.
It said,
In the next scene, everything was pitch black. Then, Sephiroth appeared on the screen with Aerith’s dead body (no hyper realistic blood this time) and Cloud’s dead body. At that moment, everything came together a little. I was like,
Little hearts appeared over Sephiroth’s head as he looked over his work, apparently very pleased with what he had just done. Then, he spoke.
For the first time in my life, I prayed to a god I don’t even believe is out there. If there was a god, he wouldn’t have allowed a game to be created where you get to play as Cloud in his final stage of transitioning into a woman and now going by the name Lightning. And, he wouldn’t have allowed them to produce sequel after sequel of this shit! I prayed that this god would find a more suitable punishment for me. Burn my eyes out! Cut off a hand! Grind off my dick with sandpaper! Send me straight to Hell! Anything but leave me with this! Now, I see why my friend was so afraid. And then, when I turned around, I think so much color left me that I was completely transparent now. What I saw behind me was a Lightning plush doll, dressed in Cloud’s SOLDIER uniform and holding a toy model of Cloud’s Blade.
My poor body couldn’t take it anymore. I died right there on the spot and finished writing this as a ghost. Official cause of death: mind fucked all to pieces. What? It’s all of a sudden a problem when I turn into a ghost and start messing with computers? Oh, I guess if I drowned and started playing music backwards in video games, you’d go all crazy over it, wouldn’t you? To all my haters, I’ll just use a quote from The Joker and Harley Quinn’s goofy ass son.
[[Category:Vidya games]]
[[Category:File Extensions]]
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