Crash Bandicoot Continues: Difference between revisions
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Anyway, I was at a garage sale wen I bought the game. There was a garage band playing at the garage sale, which I guess was pretty witty. I asked them to play "Free Bird", an their mohawked lead singer responded with "Here, have this bird for free", flipping me the finger. Oh well.
I was always a fan of Crash Bandicoot. Ever since I was a promise of future loin fruit in my momma's womb, I guess. Then again, Crash Bandicoot wasn't a thing yet, when I was born in the 80s. The guy wanted 3 bucks for the game, but he settled on $1.25 and a McDonalds coupon. This meant that I'd temporarily go hungry to play as the famous orange marsupial, but it was a sacrifice I was prepared to make. The guy at the yard sale told me he never played the game because 'he already lived it'. Said his name was Lewis, and that this copy of the game was gifted to him from his time as an intern for Naughty Dog. He said all this in a really sad tone of voice, which really should have tipped me off then. "You'll never know what I have
When I got home, I put on my "Free Bird" MP3, rocking out to it as if to defy the rude punk rocker from earlier. I couldn't help but feel unnerved by Lewis's comments from earlier. He was nice enough to leave me his phone number if I needed help,
The goofy intro started out as normal—or so it would've, if it wasn't for one glaring omission. Crash's eyes were missing! In their place, jammed right into Crash Bandicoot's polygonal eye sockets, were wumpa fruit—the mango-esque food items that Crash collects throughout each level, kind of like Super Mario coins! I was button mashing the start button in the hope of escaping this horribly disturbing
I had to wonder about this copy of this game. Maybe it was a prank that the guys at Naughty Dog played on Lewis. I mean, that would make sense. Feeling more than a little startled, I checked my phone for companionship. A
The first level was N. Sanity Beach. I remembered this stage from when I played this game as a kid, so it checked out. It began with Crash making the same confused face tat I always remembered him making here. In fact, it took me a minute or two of gameplay before I realized something was off.
Crash Bandicoot wore jeans. This was likely a conscious design decision by Naughty Dog to make Crash more hip and relatable, the way Sonic's angry stare and finger wag gave him attitude, and a leg upon other mascot competition. But, this time, in this copy of the
Usually, when you hit a ? crate, you get something sweet: a massive amount of Wumpa fruit, for example. But this time
"Hello, Lewis." Lewis.
Crash reappeared where I had initially hit the question mark box. I had lost a life. A loud, drawn out moaning sound played. I thought about the answer that I submitted some more. 'Goodness.' Love isn't goodness, according to this hacked version of Crash Bandicoot? Maybe the game was looking for a more specific answer. I sprinted through the rest of the level, spinning through turtles, collecting wumpa fruit, and otherwise having a very good
At the end of the stages in the first Crash Bandicoot, there is a check by the game to see if you smashed all the crates in the level. If you do, you get a silver clear gem. If you don't, you get to watch wooden crates smash against Crash Bandicoot's head, as if to punish him for not being more astute. As for this copy of the
It looked like pills. Lots of them. They were falling from the sky, engulfing the orange marsupial. There was no way to control Crash and escape them. He was being smothered. Before my very eyes. And I was helpless but to watch. When the screen was finally covered in its entirety in little white and yellow pills, a gloomy, gray text like the one from earlier appeared on screen. "ALL THE UNWANTED CHILDREN. DID THEY NOT DESERVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO BE LOVED?". I stared at the screen, fumingly angry before springing to my feet to go shut off my PlayStation gaming console.
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That was when my phone rang.
"
There was a lengthy pause. Then a sigh. Then
"Do you remember what I told you earlier?" "About getting in touch if I needed help?" "The other thing." "The deal we made about the McDonalds coupon?" "No. Keep going." Well, this was seriously confusing. "I don't remember, man. There was that garage band, but that has nothing to do with
I cracked my knuckles and went back to the game, pressing through that birth control scene I had just witnessed. I was expecting to return to the game's island map, en route to the Jungle Rollers level, but
I scratched my ear, as I often do when I'm bewildered. The last time the game asked me a question, it seemed offended by my response. What could it possibly want me to say now? Lightning strikes illuminated the garden of the deceased, as if to
The camera zoomed further, and further down to Earth until it narrowed in on Crash Bandicoot's fuzzy orange face. While this happened, everything on screen was eerily still, as if time itself had stopped on itself.
Stop motion. Claymation. Crash Bandicoot melted before my very eyes into a pile of blood, guts, bone, and sinew. Crash Bandicoot games were known to have humorous death scene animations, but this was just eerie and depressing. A sudden ambient composition that resembled unmitigated, unbridled despair played, while lightning struck the Crash Bandicoot goo pile corpse again and again, as if to mock my answer. The screen filled up, flooded with dusty, gray, ominous text: "Why bother? Why bother? Why bother? Why bother?". It must have been a minute or two of the camera zooming in on the text and the sullen ambient orchestration crescendoing before the text disappeared and the camera took us to the source of the sobbing. It was Crash Bandicoot's blonde-haired girlfriend, Tawna!
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I really, really needed someone to share this startling series of experiences with. I called Lewis, but there was no answer. I left a voice mail, in tears, begging for him to pick up the phone. But it wasn't happening. The game wasn't changing to any new scenes or levels, either: it was just Tawna sobbing at a grave, again and again and again.
I lost track of time when the doorbell rang. Happy to have any sort of distraction from this horrifying scene, I went up and opened the
"I'm satisfied that I've written enough about this. It's getting physically harder and harder for me to write, and I noticed that I can't get myself to speak too many words, either. Just let it be known what's really going on here. I know no one can help me, so I'm making a fresh start, far away. Hopefully where Dr. Neo Cortex will never find me again—and life will cease to imitate art. With love, Lewis."
With love? To me? A guy he sold a game to at a yard sale? Well, whatever. I took the mango and rolled it around in my hands, inspecting it. Looked healthy enough to eat, and I had little in the fridge other than condiments. Lewis seemed like a friendly enough guy, and furthermore, he worked for Naughty Dog. Maybe, before he passed, he meant to gift this to me as a Crash-themed present.
When I woke up, I
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When I woke up, I was strapped in a hardened, metallic chair. I could see beakers, desks, filing cabinets—I was in a lab. "Very interesting", a readily identifiable short man with an 'N' tattooed on his forehead asserted. "Very interesting, indeed." He let out a contorted, sinister chuckle. "It's good to have you home, Lewis.", he began, with an ominous foreshadowing in his voice. "I'd say you've
The End
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