Dora the Explorer Lost Episode: Difference between revisions
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For those who haven't watched Dora the Explorer, it's a show about a young Hispanic girl who goes on various adventures. To be honest, I couldn't give two fucks about any of that. I was snapchatting pictures of delicious lobsters I had illegally smuggled to a buddy of mine in Cleveland while my daughter sat there watching the tape. We suddenly heard loud screaming, and someone saying he's been stabbed in the neck. "He'll take your eyes!" A voice murmured. "He'll take your eyes!" Strange, I assumed maybe this was a prank being played by the VCR repairman, who fixed this VCR just fifteen years ago today.
Maybe it was just my imagination. We old people do have a tendency to imagine things that aren't
Well, this show was just about teaching kids to read, right? All of a sudden uncle Jesus (Hay-zeus) came in with his nostrils flaring. "VAMANOS!" He screamed. Evidently the jig was up. I had smuggled my daughter into the country three years ago from Mexico, disguising her as a bag of oranges and a box of vanilla mint cigarillos. "VAMANOS! El zorro se acerca y no tengo pantalones!" He screamed. I now realized he wasn't wearing pants.
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I would bury him later, as I didn't want to interrupt this fine VHS program. It was hard to tell what was going on, to be honest. It just looked like a wolf was fighting with a latin girl while a map talked to her. This was disturbing. I shut the tape off and sent my daughter to her room, a straw mat in the corner.
That was when the police kicked the door down and opened fire. They
My daughter was missing. Gone. I have no idea what happened to her. Part of me vaguely remembered sending her to live with her Uncle Sans in Puerto Vallarta, so I wrote letters there in the hope that my memory wasn't fading. As I sifted through bill after bill on a daily basis, I wondered strongly about what had happened to her.
A
Part of me
I picked up the phone and decided to file a missing person's report. But someone had severed the cord. That was when I heard the whispering. It was a low whispering at first, but then it grew louder, to medium and then high level whispering. "Pssst." What in God's name was that? "PSSSSST." It whispered.
I picked up the VHS slipcase. A small square of paper fell onto the floor. It looked
I picked the map up and squeezed the life out of it, strangling it to death. There's no need for a map to talk, to be honest. The instructions are clearly written on the map. I didn't need this shit. I put the coordinates into my GPS and climbed into my brand new Ford Explorer.
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Maybe I didn't have a daughter. They weren't aliens anyway, it was all a prank. Thank goodness, I thought I was going mad there for a second. They took the first costume off and then the second one, the alien one, revealing that they were actually the border police and this was a new technique that they were using to sniff out people who are thinking about smuggling other people into the country and adding to our nation's GDP with increased economic labor.
They assured me that I didn't have a daughter, and that the VHS tape I saw was just some sort of nationalist propaganda made by Washington fat cats. I could've swore I had a little girl though. I remembered taking her to Chuck E. Cheese and buying her Hispanic barbie dolls. They assured me that I didn't have a daughter, and to stop worrying, go home and watch some professional sports by eating a piping hot bowl of my favorite cheese and nacho dip. "Sounds like a good idea to me." I said, and cleaned my hands of this whole situation. Part of me felt like they were sweeping all of this under the rug. I mean the strange VHS with the umbilical brain, the person being murdered, that man on my couch, my missing daughter, the bleeding, screaming map, the massive metal fence that looked like something out of a dystopic horror film. They confiscated the VHS and stomped on it like a Hispanic man would contempt at refried beans. I
They explained to me that an intern at Nickelodean Studios named Eric Weiner had left the microphone on while playing with a Mr. Potatohead toy. That explained the whole "he'll take your eyes" bit I heard earlier. He had also been stabbed with a pen, rather jokingly, by a cowriter who was aiming the pen at the paper but accidentally stabbed him. The whole umblical brain thing was supposed to be a tie-in for a new Taco Bell promotional item, the Brainlupa, a delicious 1/3 pound of cow brain in a delicious mole sauce with sour cream. It made
As for my missing daughter and the man on my couch? They assured me that it was all just trapped swamp gas that has a tendency to "flare up" and create the illusion of light and motion. It all made sense then.
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