FreePainReport.Com 2: Difference between revisions

and my wife can eat no lean. We make up for it, because I let other men sleep

with her while I watch. With all that said, I have a disturbing tale to tell

creepy shit too, and I have a habit of posting about it on DeviantArt. You may

your kids.

 

 

get a job because despite Constitutional amendments that are supposed to

which means that in 15 years I will turn into a pistachio if I do not find the

proper interpretation of God in time, prior to my death. I tried to get around

things by faking my own death and assuming that the fake me would go to

Pistachio Hell while I got to live the rest of my life out, eating hot pockets

 

pepperoni pizza hot pocket into the microwave. Now, that might sound like a

made by Amazon to tell me what to do and how dolphins laugh when they make love

and why Stonehenge was built with the aid of extraterrestrial civilizations.

microwave was pissed at me, because although it had entertained me and informed

 

to pass the time, seeing how waiting for stuff to microwave has a habit of

 

microwave to open up and put the hot pocket into my mouth, which it did via

Internet and ESP because I had uploaded my soul to the Cloud earlier using

Google Soul.

 

Really wrong. Horrifyingly wrong. I first noticed there was a problem when the

back of my throat started burning. The cheese! The turkey! The broccoli! It was

all so steaming hot that it was burning its way through my mouth, tongue and

because I was suffocating on hot pocket. This was terrible! Frantically ripping

away at hot pocket pieces and oozing cheese sauce, I managed to rip a bunch of

a fiery death on. With no other option but to try to fix my homicidal friend, I

ripped open the phone book and flipped through the yellow pages until I found a

 

Except that I have a really short attention span, due to

Perhaps I could win some sort of free prize if I alerted them that I was in

pain. Maybe they could even provide me with one of those haunted VHS tapes that

 

At first it rang a bunch of times but no one picked up, but

You may have heard of me anymore. In any event, I have a homicidal microwave

slamming the receiver to the base in agony because my throat and tongue and

mouth were still hurting from the flames I had fanned in tearing out the

 

That was the FreePainReport people! Ah, well. Realized that I had smoked a lot

of weed and maybe none of this was actually happening in real life, I hopped on

the sofa and prepared to sleep it off. I popped open an economy-sized bag of

a substance that I will not mention at this present moment.

 

The channel was showing a space station being built. It was

high I assumed that they were building a massive death star in the sky to blow

up Planet Earth. Not wanting to die, I fell asleep instead, and was woken up hours

 

that I forgot to swallow down earlier, or perhaps could not due to my present

physical condition. There was a pause and at first I assumed it was just an

accident or a prank or a discard beta version of a door bell dinging, but no.

 

The door slammed open. In came three dapper young men from—something,

one of them smiled sinisterly so I could tell that something was not quite

right with this picture. I pointed to the kitchen out of habit and instinct,

if they were looking at me or my hairy, ape-man esque ring finger. This made me

especially scared, because I had learned in Basic Psychology class that when

there are no communications, all hope for a positive relationship is lost. I

gaped in horror as the three swashbucklers or whatever they were assembled in a

 

Okay, fuck me, but my microwave had grown legs somehow and

jammed an uncooked red baron pepperoni pizza into my mouth and I could only

mumble a rebuttal. I had lost mouth and tongue strength from my earlier encounter,

so I began to cram at these pieces with my fingers like I had the earlier

nothing was being pried out.

 

 

Well, fuck. Before I could turn my eyes back to the

intruders who I am unsure how they had broken into my house, I noticed

 

 

Something strange happened to me today

 

 

 

But they saw right through me for my silly pagan lies

 

 

Got catfished by a guy named Heath the Catt

 

 

 

P-A-I-N

They go and rid the world of people full of hate

 

 

I tried to talk my way out of it, but it was too late. I was

something oozing out of my head. Like a river flowing downstream. I felt an undescribable

 

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