Game of War: Profit Age: Difference between revisions

 

I tapped the app, and found the logo again. It was not coal, but I can tell it's iron. Then a quick black fade.

A black screen had a spinning firecracked. Loading?

Then is the title screen. The title screen had the title, and besides the pecs lady, that warrior dude from the app. He was as handsome as a depressed toaster.

 

The buttons contained "Login" and "Make account". I tapped "Make account". Then I see a burnt scroll with the text. I scrolled down, down, down... It can fill 27 screens, it was that long. Nobody reads these, they just need to say "You ageer to those guidelines of not acriminate people" or something.

Now I realized that the game uses internet. I know my cuntry doesn't support internet because rule 34 broke the law.

Anyway, the game told me to make an account name. I typed in... Facon. It sticks. I tap next.

 

Then the game asks me for a date. I put in 31 march 2017. I tap next again.

Then I saw a stone on sky. The rock held a man. He was just like an alligator was a pear fence.

The game asks me "Who are you?". I made my character, because I know MMos before this. I made it as snooty as an Emu can be. At this point, I want to poke a kiwi. I tap next.

Game says "cunclaturations. Tou can play now!" I tapped play below the phrase, and then I can play the game. This will bee fun.

 

"Before you can build your kindom, you need to build a hall." The fild then moves to corridor buildin. At least seven arrows were moving and pointing at the building corridor.

"Do you see that hall? That is the hall. People visit here." I see the hall. The tutorial then says "To build buildings, you need more resources." Then 3 arrows pointed at the top, where gold is seen on a wooden plank alongside a binch of empy beans.

 

 

"Upgrade the town hall with the gold you're given." The arros began flashing. It's a lightshow. I tap Upgrade.

The window quickly faaded. Numbers next to the hold bean reduces from 25 to 0, revealing a timer of 58 years. "Building buildings costs time. Let's speed up time by spending gold." the tutorisl wonam said. "Here is some free gold." The gold number in the bean wnet from 0 to 9375891 gold.

 

"Tap on the arrows on the bar." Eleven arrows pointed at the two arrows on the bar under the hal. I tap the bar.

Al gold came out, and the building is builded. "You're leaning well." the tutorial wokam said.

"I'll be in the town hall. I'll learn you once you build more buildings." The toturial wojan is gone.

Another plank came our of the bottom of the sceen. Fiv buttons on the plankm,incuding Kingdom, Army, Hero, Other, and Shop. The shop was in shinning gold. I was jumping. Once. Then I was done with the jump. Why is there a shop in the game? Isn't there a sop in the game?

 

 

Finnaly, I'm done with the tutorials. 2 hours and my balls were shaking.

I have a town hall, a baracks to recuit poeple, a pub for promoting beer-free beer, as in beer with extra beer, with more beer to beer with the beer, making the beer beer beer. Beer.

 

 

Finally, I tapped on shop. I found a shop. The shop has gold bundles, at the $2.99, $7.99, $14.99, $27.99, $64.99, $119.99, $349.95, $584.99, and the $999.99 bundle, which is the Best Value. The thousand bucks bundle contains enough gold to speed up 150 years of timers, upgrade everything trice, and get the VIP level to 3. I don't spend anything. I have too much in my pocket to give out to money copmanies. The shpo has all things.

Immunity to attacks for 3 weeks for 600 gold, 7 month of tripled defense for 496701 gold, the super super duper duper booka dooka hammer of smashy smasher stuffs, the most powerflu sledgegammer of the game, waterskiing lions, a car, and one extra bean for timer items. There is also the name change, the instant level up, and banning a random user for 4 days, all for the low low price of 7210653 shmeggers.

 

 

"YOU!!!" the man pointed at me. "YOU THINK YOU GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE THE WAR A WAR OF GENERATIONS!?!" I only nodded. I don't want to be punched, I don't want to be punched, I just want to drinka punch.

"YOU LACK VOCABULARY FOR A TYPICAL PLAYING PERSON!!! SPEAK OUT AND SHOUT IT OUT LIKE YOU MEAN IT!!!" he shoutin in front of my face.

"Sir, yes sir!" I said afraidedly.

"GOOD!!!" the man screamed in front of my face. I felt like a fan.

 

"NOW!!!" the man walked away from me and the row of people, then turned around.

"AS SHOMRAPH THE 27TH OF THE SNAKE WRESTLING GUARDIANS!!! I SHALL BRING YOU CHUMPETS ON THE MOST EXCITED EXPERIENCE SINCE GOOSE TICKLING!!!"

 

Is his name shomraph? I want to run away, but I don't him to punch me, even though the fnce was open to left.

I heard another voice: "Sir, you have to accept that not every single person has the will to fight for a desire, sir!"

The man walked up to our row: "YOU DARE TO INTERFERE WITH MY VISION!?!"

"No sir, not at all!" The voice was getting a bit sacred. "Please don't punnish me! I just want other people to give a chance!"

"YOU BACON SHITTING STINKBAG!!! YOU CALL YOURSELF A CHEESE COOKER!?!"

 

 

"YOU!!! YOU'RE NEW HERE!!!"

"Of course, of course! I'm new!"

"DON'T PLAY POINT THE CHAIR, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!! THIS MISSION WILL BE THE MOST DISASTROUS SENSATION SINCE THE GREAT TOASTER FLOOD OF 1486!!!"

"I understand!" I said in fer.

"UNDERSTAND WHAT!??"

"I understand, sir!"

"GOOD!!!" he shouted at me again. So this is ahwt a miltirary sounds like. Shomraph walked off again, then stopped and turned to us...

 

"TODAY WILL BE TRAINING DAY!!! TOMORROW WE WILL DECLARE WAR ON THE DORANIANS, THE DESPICABLEST BREAD KNITTERS OF THE FASHION BRAND!!!"

I head another voice. "Sir, what is this fight worht doing for?"

Shomraph shouted back: "DON'T ASK ME!!! YOU MUST ASK THE GOVERNMENT!!! NOW GO TO THE TRAINING ZONE!!! SERIOUS!!! NOW NOW NOW!!!"

 

Everyone walked to the right, except one that tried going left to outside.

"BAKNAZ!!!" Shompra shouted to the running man, very quickly running and jumping to outside and in front of him.

"WHERE THE FCUK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING THIS TIME!?! THE TRAINING ZONE WAS THE OTHER WAY AROUND!!!"

The other man just sat down and cried while shaking heavily.

"THAT'S IT!!! YOU'VE MEDDLED ON OUR GROUNDS FOR THE LAST TIME!!!" Shomraph shouted at him.

"DOIZEND VOISHTEN, VREPURTSELLEN DIE ACHTARBALLEKE KEND VAHN SHLAAHT!!!" he shouted incomperhensible wods, and kicked the man in the air. He jumped, and drew out a giant sowrd at least three times size. He slashed and slashed the slashes and slashed the slashy slasher of the sash that slashes sashes on slashing sash, threw the slashing slashy slasher in the air, punch the punch out of the man, kicked him, grabbed the sword, punches, kicks, slashes, it goes on for 27 seconds, and then I saw a bright light from his sowrd.

"ALTIEME GHEHAIM TECHNEK!!! SHONGDU HWANG GA XONDEN!!!" a giant lazer beam shot out of the sowrd nd him. The lazer went on all the way back, and I could hear screams from behind me. Once the lazer wore off, the man couldn't be seen anymore. Shomraph landed on the ground and walked back to this pleca...

 

"WHO WANTS TO BE NEXT!?!" he shouted. I ran ran rein, oh yes, it started raining, in the rain I ran to the training zone while it's raining, so training is while raining still, so training and raining will rain the trains, to the rainers train trains about raining rain on trains, train on rains raining trains on rains, training the rains on train rains.

In the training zon, people were jumping tarmpolins, having catfights on ice, breakdancing on small platforms, an... Target parctive?

"DON'T STAND!!! GO!!! GO!!" I heard him, and immediately ran. I didn't know what to do, so I ran to thte target parctice.

"Hey!" I heard another voice at the target practice. "So you're one of the few target practices, eh? Well, you're not going places without some targets to practice." The voice came from a small speaker with ac miropone aboce it.

"Name?"

"Name? Is that all? You're not talking a lot, right?" the voice said. "It's not important. Here, take this"

A boc opened out of the wall belwo the speakre and micropone. Inside was a... It looks like a bazooka launcher.

"It's light. We put in ballons in it all the time, so it's wieght." the voice said.

I picked up the bazooka launcher jigger, and held it up on my shoulder, now to aim the tagret. I pull the trigger, and...

 

An apple shot out of the launcher, it landed on the fllorr target on the florr. there is a target on the floor, I was suppossedt o shoot the wall!

*BSHAAA* the apple exploded brightly.

"Appselent!" the voice said. "Try another one. W e pring applesto the zone each week with printers.

"I shot another apple on the target. It was slightly of, but I did the doing competenyl, ain't?*BSHAAA* another apple exploded. "Good!" the voice said. "Once you're done, put it back in the box. More people neex to fight knighters." I put the apple exploding launcher in the box, and it's bak in the woll.

 

"GRENTEN!!! HACHT!!!" Shomraph again!

"TRAINING IS OVER!!! YOU ALL DID WONDERFULLY!! YOU NEED AN HOUR OFF!!!" Everyone was cheering. "NOW GO BACK TO THE DINNER ROOMS AND DO YOUR JIGGERS BEFORE DORANIANS CUM HERE!!!"

He moved aside, and everyone ran out and to the left... I followed after them.

"YOU!!!" Shamraph shouted at me. "TOMMORROW WILL NOT BE NORMAL!!! GET YOUR JUMPO BOOTS READY!!!"

"Sir, yes sir!" I said, before walking faster.

 

 

"That wretched machine zone! They think they can just dump any citicen that knows about them in this maniac's palace!" A young man said. "Yes! I only saw a few ads, and a few hours later, I was getting beat up by green jacket men! They just won't leave normal people alone!" Another man said, who sounded a bit like a dwarf.

"Hey ghuys." I said to the two. "Oh look, another victim. Welcome to the club of playmates of the military frollicking institute." The man said. "Don't be so mean to him, he hasn't even said a word!" replied the dwarf man. He nurted to me. "Sorry about him, he just hates beginners and paying."

"So, how did you even get here?" the mean one siad. I replied: "I played a free mobile game for four days." Both of them stopped eating and looked at me shocked. "you playing for WHAT!?" "I'm suprised you could even play it for a day!" they replied. I said "I don't get it. Why is this movile thing even popular?" The dwarf man replied: "It's not really popular. It may be a hack on the stores. It floods the ad servers to get people to download the game, then a group of people track down the players and put them in this what's-this-name place. I don't even know the name, and I've been stuck for 6 days!" The other man said: "Do you think you can even survive a week? I had to do backflips 3 days ago. My spine almost broke, and one of my fingers was almost ripped out. This is a mess, you heard me!? MESS!!" The dwarf man turned back to me and said: "Look, tommorrow is a... special day, as in we're all going out and beat up some fashion knitters as that green man calls them. I don't even think I can think about what we'll do tommorrow." The other man stood up and said: "Well, I'll be napping for a few 15 hours. Wake me up when the sharks attack." he left.

 

I was about to go, too, but the dwarf man said "Stop!" I stopped and sat down agian. "Tommorrow won't be pleasant, so please eat this before you see what will happen." he gave me a bun. "Don't tell anyone, they'll flip their tables." he stood up and walked off. I began eating the bun, I hvaen't eaten anything in hours.

After I ate the nub, I stod up and wa..."GRENTEN!!! HACHT!!!" shomraph!

 

"GO BACK TO YOUR ROOMS!!! WE DON'T WANT DAZED EYES FROM STARING AT THE SUN!!!" The sun was indeed starting to set...

"But sir, it's barely..." A voice said.

"SHUT! UP! YOU'LL NEED REST FOR NOW!!! WE DON'T GO OFF AND STRIKE FASHION BAKERS FOR NOTHING!!! NOW SCRAM OFF AND DECK UP YOUR FLUFFERS!!!"

 

Everyone ran off further into the rabical and to the right, into a doorless hall. One of the latter poeple stopped and said "Quick! Htis way!" he then conitued afterwads and I fallowed it.

Then I found a large hall of duoble deckbeds and tables, with random portable walls all over the place.

I looked around, and a lot fo beds weer taken by otter people. I eventaully fond a bed for myself. It was not to bath, juts... a litle bit htin... I undressed into my underpants, and lied in bed, wondering what I need to do now...

 

Then I hard a voice. "The lights will turn on in 27 minutes. They will turn off in 4 hours." It's that same voice from the rabicals! Is that the namager or something? I fell like a treated scump!

I could only sit and hear the others... I can't go ot, shomraph will do that thing with the sharp things. HJat was ti cald again? Hez rabbit chomp chop sash, tim toller tall dare? This si not what I wentad at al...

 

"How many more days before we can go on strike?" "We know we can't. He's like some humanoid mech. Not even a three on one will work!" "I can get out... I can get out... I just need to break a window and call it a night, he'll hear me!"

I her a lto of pople talking crazy talk, but that's natural. It's just liek digging a brick made out of styrofoam and then plugging it into a glass opener.

I can't take this, I'll just jump a widdow when on beaks. I'm snoozing it out! I pull myself into bed, and call it a...

 

After a fwe mintes, some voices stopped and it got quieter. Now only a few voice I har. Someone cam up to me. "Here, take this." It's that dwarf-voice man from befor, and he holds a bindfodl. "Wear it before you burn your eyes!"

I took it, and put it on my eyes, then went into bed again. The dwarf man just ran off to his bed... So its this bad that is bad... I went inside my bed, covered myself in sheets, and called it a shinning niht...

I'm in a building. It's big , a big for building. I'm on thepillar, it aws a nic pillar. And then the tutureal winam came.

 

 

I went out the rabicals and stod in lin with the rest, seeing shomraph in front of us.

"GOOD MORNING MY DEAR CHEESE COOKERS!!! IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT ONCE OF YOU GOT OUT!!! I'VE SENT STUNT NINJAS OUT IN THE WORLD TO LOOK FOR THE SECAPEDES!!! AND DON'T THINK YOU'RE GETTING OUT YOURSELF!!!"

We all sad in unison "Sir yes, sir!"

"GOOD!!!" Shomraph said.

 

 

"NOW GO GO!!! GO GO!!!" Shomraph said ash e stood at a sid.

We all ran out of the rabicals, and into the training zone, except one man. It was that man.

 

"GRAPTART" Shomraph shoute d to the man outside this... Tarp toaster.

"YOU'RE NOT A MADE!!!" Shomraph shouted as her ipped his shit off, revealing his abs.

"VERKANDELEN SCHTEMPELZ!! VREKANDERR ZICCH HEINZEL TOPH DER ACHSHTAR DER THANKMAIER!!!" Shomraph ran and kicked the man in the sky, jumped up and grabbed a giant 5 meter AXE. He slammed and rolled over him at 500 pounds per second, kicked him up, teleported up, punched him down, teleported up, punched him up, teleported up , punched him down, teleported down, punched him up, teleported up, drew out two spiky fwisbees, and spun at 12 twirls per second, stabbing the man 400000 times in 27 seconds, then shot a frisbeee at the man, and launched him into the sky. A twinkle was raining.

 

Shomraph jumped don, nd headed toward us in the tanning grounds.

"INTODRUCING GATEAUX!!!" Shomraph said. His wooden treehouse exploded, and out of it jumped an underpants man with a balck mask, with red meany beany eyes, and a big fat upside down Y, why. The mask sprouted a small black cloak around the headneck.

 

He sPoke with a deep demonic loud voice: "HELLOW SOE AIHERD YULAIK VEEDEEOE GYAEMZ!!!"

"Yis." A teenageR siad.

"ENDAI HERED YULAIK AI OH ES, I HERR YU SAY, AND AI HERD YULAIK FERSH MMONILL GYAEMS, WIT DEM GOLD, END AAAAAAAAASSSSSTOUNDIGN GOULD!!!" Gateaux said, hE was shaking his head and licking his mouth.

 

Wii wer slient for a fiv decond, before wan of us said: "Hay?"

"WHELL GETA LODE OVDIS!!!"He puT a hand behind his back puT it down, grabbed it with another hand, pushed it over the asss, while making a "MMMRRRR" noise. Den it picked up a Yellow glove on a stick, then threW it at us. One of our men got slapped and feel over the floor.

 

Gateaux walked away, and we got a colser lok at the Ywlloe Glove on A StIkc.

"utis it?" one of us said.

Gateaux came back, breaking glass on tThe fence: "DET'S THHE HEEEMBURRGER DIZ BENSER!!"He put a hand behind his baCk, grabbed it witH the other hand, pushed It over his cavity, and threw another Yellow Glove on A Stick at us. That man slapped and feel on the foolr. *PSHACK* Gateaux wnet arway. The galss was slowly haeling.

We took a colser lokk at the Yellow Glove on A Stick. "Me grabbie! gimme gimme gimme gimmeeeh!!" one of us said, and yoinked thee Yellow Glove on A Stick off the body.

"Wahtis it?" another one of us saiD.

Gateaux came back, breaking anOtheR glass on the fEnce: "SOE YU DREW AT OVVER ATDEM HIBBER SPENDERS, FROW ITWIT YORR HEND, END MAKE IT RAIN BUUUUUUUUURRGERS!!!" he was shaking his head back and right, licking his face like a sicker for heads.

One of us grabbed the Yellow Glove on a Stick, and sweng it upside down. It was raining 27 burgers out of the Yellow Stick Glove, they were falling on Gateaux, who was headbanging on the burgers, bouncing theM back lIke a baseball bat. The burgers exploded into a rain of explosions, *BSHAAA!!!* *BSHAAA!!!* *BSHAAAA!!!*

 

Gateaux walked out of the place, while the glass fixed itself.

Another Yellow Glove On a Stick was thrown at us, that same one of us got slapped by it again, and feel the folor.

"Arr yu ok?" Someone said.

"I'm Fine!" The fallen person said.

"You don't look like a Fine to me." that same some said. I don't know his name, so I didn't ask him.

"Wait, is Fine Fine?" someone else said.

"Wait, who is Fine?" someone else said.

"I'm not Fine Fine." The fallen person said.

"So you're not Fine Fine Fine? Fine." someone else said.

"No! I'm not Fine Fine Fine! I'm just Fine!"

"Then why dony you look like a Fine?"

"GET A WASHING MACHINE!!" the gallen man said, as he stood up. Wait, was that his lunch!? Where are our lunCHes!?

 

Oh, anywyas, we grabbed the Yellow Glove StIcks, and swang em around, we are arcobats.

It was raining exploding burgers, hundeds of them rain the skies like a bacon waterfall made out of silky cookies.

Everyone exploded. Then we got back up, and swang more of our Yellow Stick Golves. We were expolding eachother fro hours, and felt like out banana toast burning a cap made out of fried peas.

Everyone exploded. Then we got back up, and threw away our Yellow Glove Sticks once we saw Shomraph.

"GRENTEN!!! HACHT!!!" Shomraph said."YOU ALL DID EXCELLENT!!! YOU ALL DESERVE PROMOTIONS OF THE HIGHEST CALIBER!!! NOW GO BACK TO YOUR ROOMS AND EAT FOR YOUR DINNER!!!"

We went bak to our rabicals, and ate out. I sat next to those two ghys form yestreday.

"Ou." The mean one said, aiding "That was some wonderful cake, if I could've eatenbombs!".

The dwarf man tunred to me and said "Sorry, but he has been hit the hardest by that what's-that-thing."

 

 

We wer silent, then dwarf said "How does he even jump out of a trampoline?".

We eat our lunches, a bunch of farmer fries, some sausage, sauces, and... Bacon Chocolate Pudding.

"HECHTEN!!! AGCHT!!!"'Shomraph said again.

"SUNSET IS ALMOST HERE!!! GET YOUR DILLY DAMN BUTTY HOLS INTO YOUR BEDS BEFORE YOU EXPLODE FROM BIRD CRACKERS!!!" he shouted. Welp, we need beds.

We alll ran off to thee beds, some of us went to the nearby WC to dispose their resources resources resources, beefore walking into beds.

Finally, some rest.

 

*KRRUMM* the lights went on.

"AHAAAAAAAAHAH!" "Where are my firecrackers!?" "The sun is burning our ice colrd bods!" "MY EYES!!" we put up our blindfolds, and selpt.

 

Glass break. "HEI SOUAID HERD YULAIK BURRGURR SMESH!!!" says Gateaux. I was in front of him on the couch.

"Yis." "ENDAIHERD YULAIK AI OH ESS, ENDHEER ISS A PRRRRRRRRESENT MOST AAWWWWWWWWWESOMEST INDA HOL WOLD REEGION!!!" he was jumping and moan-screaming.

He lifted me up, threw me up, teleported and punch kick uppercut down kick upbounce kick fried baseball smack teleport super quick second slap nut kick in the nuts kick in the nuts kick pucnh ab pinch yellow glove on a stick slap reining burds...

 

 

Wi were aboot to leave, when "GRENTEN!!! HACHT!!!"Shomraph shouted, and we immediately steppid in horizontal line.

"NOW! TODAY WE'LL BE FIGHTING AGAINST THE BREAD KNITTERS OF THE ROMAN REGIONS!!! YOU'LL NEED EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO FLIP THEM UNDERSIDE YOUR HEADS!!" I van heer voices in the sitsamde.

"THEY'RE CUMMING! GO GO!! GO GO!! GO GO GO GO!!!" We ran out of the place. Finnaly, out! Now we need to gith the bread knitters. We stod on the feld, reddy togo.

"HER DEY CUM!!!" Shamraph shouted. It's tim to sho what we can do! RUUUUUUUUN!!!

 

 

So, what did we learn today? DON'T SPEND YOUR MONEY ON CASH TOILETS!