How Stella Got Her Groove Back 2: Difference between revisions
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Hi, I’m Kayne...wait, shit I mean I’m Richie
Ladies and gentlemen of the interwebz...I hold in my hand the unofficial rough-cut DVD copy of ''How Stella Got Her Groove Back 2: The Grooving''. Now I’m sure many of you have already made your way down to the comments section to post an inflammatory post like
I’ve only watched the DVD one time, but it was more than enough to commit it to memory. For those of you wondering, yes I found this in my neighbor’s trash can...or maybe I got it from a creepy person I talked to on Craig’s List who gave it to me for free? Nobody knows, not even me. That’s the fun part.
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The movie opens with Stella walking into a convenience store. She grabs a banana from the fruit basket and hold it up to the cashier like a gun.
The cashier puts his arms up.
So anyways, Stella gets arrested for robbery and an unrelated prostitution charge and is sentenced to 5 hours in Yale with a Tree-Fiddy bail bond. Her best friend Delilah bails her out and drive her to her safe house.
So then there’s a montage of Delilah making calls to their old partners-in-crime. The next scene shows them looking at the schematics for the high security Museum Of Groove. Delilah writes out numerous notes on the sheet, circling points of interest and routes.
The next scene shows the front of the museum. Two guards stand in front of the gate as Weird Al Yankovic walks up.
Meanwhile, Delilah and Stella sneak into the sewers across the street. They reach a long straight walkway leading to a ladder.
After exiting the sewers, they find themselves in a room across from the vault. As the guards pass by, they both fire darts in unison. Instead of putting them to sleep quietly however, the guards thrash around screaming as acid burned them to a pile of bones.
Stella and Delilah both dash to the vault and arm the C4 as alarms began sounding. The vault blows open and they run inside.
Stella stares at the Groove with mixed emotions. Inside the unidentified floating ball-thing is the formula for all things Groove. Without thinking, she grabs it from the podium. They only manage to get a few steps away when a loud ‘CRASH’ sound is heard behind them. They turn to see a giant boulder rolling their way.
What happen next could only be described as something that could only be imagined when you inject cocaine, crystal meth, heroin, marijuana, and speed all at the same time: the three end up in a hallway with several doors. They duck into one of the rooms and the boulder follows, all while the Benny Hill theme starts playing. The scene continues with them running in and out of doorways like in Scooby-Doo. After about 3 and a half minutes the boulder decides it was bored and wants to go back to its own planet, so it hops into its rock ship and returns to Rock Planet.
When the three realize they lost their pursuer they flick on the lights, only to be greeted with a roomful of slimy alien eggs. The eggs start to open up one by one.
They dash out of the room as Facehuggers lunge attack the black guy that no one paid attention to until now. Full-grown aliens crawl out of the ceiling tiles and give chase. Just when Delilah trips and is about to get killed, a Predator uncloaks and starts killing the aliens. After killing all the aliens, the Predator turns his weapons on Delilah (‘bout friggin’ time they killed her off). Stella and Indy take off to the stairwell as more Predators uncloak.
When they get to the roof, the helicopter is waiting to take off. More Predators leap onto the roof from nearby buildings.
Surprise, here’s another curveball: as the heli passes over several skyscrapers, a short-range missile barrage knock it out of the sky and crashes onto one of the rooftops. Indy and Stella survive the crash but unfortunately the pilot didn’t (I’m so sorry for your loss, Mrs. The Pilot). As Stella stands back up, she’s greeted with a human-sized robot staring her down. It had grey ‘skin’ with a rainbow-colored hair piece and horns on it’s head.
Indy pulls out a scale-model of The Ark from his jacket.
Just then the ‘corpse’ of Delilah appears. Pieces of her skin are torn away, revealing a cyborg underneath.
(I’m gonna be honest with you, I fast-forwarded through all of this. It’s the same overused drawn-out ‘dying best friend’ bullshit you’ve seen in countless other---wait, oh my God Delilah and Stella are making out and now their getting Indy involved for a three-way holy shit! And now the robot’s getting it on too! What’s that metal corkscrew for? Who cares, hot girl-on-girl-on-guy-on-robot action!)
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So anyways Delilah charges her chest-cannon-black-hole thing and fires, creating a small black hole that sucks her and BURNING-DOT-TORRENT-DOT-EXE inside.
Stella falls to her knees in disbelief. She holds back tears as Indy puts his hand on her shoulder.
Stella looks up at Indy.
So there you have it folks. Make of it what you will, but I believe this unreleased movie was meant to see the public eye. Because it’s all a conspiricy, man. A Hollywood conspiricy. With the most absurd plot twists and most epic storyline ever. My only regret is---oh shit, someone just broke in my front door.
Fuckfuckfuck the Illuminati found out I got ahold of the DVD! Someone, anyone, send help!
No! Not Fluffy! Anything but that!
Oh God please descend from the heavens and kick this guy’s ass!
Okay okay, please don’t shoot me! I still have to-
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