How to Summon Colonel Sanders: Difference between revisions
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It was a hot winter morning in Limberwisk. I was eating my Pac-Man themed Chef Boyardee and smoking some spinach when I wondered, “God, wouldn't it be cool if I summoned a fast food corporation mascot and bound him to my will?” So I went to my local library to find out how to summon a fast food corporation mascot and bind him to my will. I eventually found an occult book called The Pasta Inutilis Ritualia Apta Troglodytarum, which contained the ritual I was looking for. So now, without further ado, I shall copy and paste the lore I found within the tome so you can know how to summon Colonel Sanders.▼
▲It was a hot winter morning in Limberwisk. I was eating my Pac-Man themed Chef Boyardee and smoking some spinach when I wondered,
The ritual is a rather dangerous one and will take a toll on most people's sanities. Here is what you will need:
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* A 2008 Toyota Yaris, painted any shade of blue EXCEPT FOR CYAN.
* A T-shirt that says,
If you somehow manage to get all of this stuff, some of which I don't even think exists, then you are going to need to set the ritual up. Do the following steps to insure that you won't screw this up:
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Now that you have set your ritual up, you will need to perform it. Assuming you have thoroughly read the KFC comic, you will need to do another series of tasks. Do the following tasks in the order given:
* Chant the following phrase, which is found in The Pasta Inutilis Ritualia Apta Troglodytarum,
* If you do this correctly, the Alexa Dot in the center of your Mr. Potato Head pentagram will turn on despite not being plugged in. If it is not plugged in, it will play
* Assuming it plays Nirvana like it should, you should meditate until it gets to the guitar solo, in which case you yank the tag off your t-shirt. If you fail to do it before the solo is over, the Alexa Dot will explode, killing you instantly. If you try to use scissors to do it, however, something worse will happen; it will play every single song Justin Bieber ever wrote. Without autotune. And you will have to listen to EVERY. LAST. SECOND.
* If you pulled out the tag in time, use your AR-15 to shoot your Alexa Dot after Kurt Cobain says
* If you shoot down the Alexa Dot correctly, the eyes of your Mr. Potato Heads will turn hyper-realistic. If they do, go into your blue Toyota Yaris and perform the 11 Miles ritual. What you will want if you do 11 miles correctly is a sheet of orange construction paper. If your blue Toyota Yaris is cyan, however, upon completing it, you will instead receive black construction paper. This will be useless for the ritual, and you will need to attempt 11 miles again, this time in a blue Toyota Yaris that isn't cyan. If you are dumb enough not to use a Toyota Yaris, you will receive a bear trap rather than orange construction paper. Also, do not just buy orange construction paper at the store. If you use orange construction paper not received v.i.a. 11 Miles, your head will explode.
* If you receive orange construction paper, head back home to where you set up your pentagram of Mr. Potato Heads. Place it in the center of it on top of your destroyed Alexa Dot. Use your giant peppermint crayon to write the following,
* If you do this correctly, the Mr. Potato Heads will shoot electricity out of their eyes to incinerate the paper. This will cause a portal to open up. If you used Mrs. Potato Heads instead, it will instead summon the evil Burger King Guy. Use your AR-15 for self defense and
If you did this entire ritual correctly, Colonel Sanders will step through the portal. Shake his hand. Greet him. Play a
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