I.M. Meen: The Lost Video Game: Difference between revisions
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(Created page with "Hello. My name is Ignatious Mortimer Meen, and I live inside of a garbage can. Just kidding. That’s Oscar the Grouch, and I am not Ignatious Mortimer Meen at all. However, I did encounter him one day in his video game form, and it… it caused me so much pain that I’m surprised I can even narrate it to you now. I am surprised that he didn’t tear out my vocal cords, but perhaps he wanted me to pass on this story to the consumer in the event that you’ll also purcha...") |
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Hello. My name is Ignatious Mortimer Meen, and I live inside of a garbage can. Just kidding.
I first encountered the Burger King Impossible Whopper at a yard sale at my
The title screen popped up on the monitor. I was scared. I.M. Meen? As in, I am Mean? What sort of message was that supposed to send children? Assuming this game was for children, as all video games are for children and do not qualify as art. It walked through an intro in which an elderly old librarian who seemed to have a strange obsession with children sang and danced about wanting to lock children up in a labyrinth for knowing how to read. I noticed by his skin pigment that he was likely Hispanic, but I
I started playing the game and it was a first person shooter DOOM knockoff, except you had to correct the spelling of shit instead of blow apart imps with a super shotgun. I got kind of bored pretty quickly until I noticed something… was not quite right. This was peculiar. According to a search on Bing! there were gnomes in the game that interacted with you during cutscenes and were supposed to work for I.M. Meen but were secretly helping you, but instead, the cutscenes…
They were all pictures of my grandfather, reenacting scenes from various American wars. Was this supposed to be some sort of sick joke? There was my grandfather telling the French that he
I was scared. And by that, I mean really, really scared. There were just so many unanswered questions. I knew that my grandfather
A cutscene that I would never forget. For the rest of my life.
It was I.M. Meen, but he looked… sad. I mean, his eyes had been replaced by black voids and his nose fell off like Michael Jackson post rhinoplasty, but I could tell it was him and that he was sad. He stared directly into my eyes, which I could somehow tell he was doing somehow.
I tried on a pair of Batman underwear. They felt good. Fit all nice and smug. It makes me feel like a super hero when I wear Batman underwear.
I was dizzy. The whole world was dizzy. I threw up again. I knew Kmart was going out of business and that
I was in…
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Grandad!?!?!?
I reached out to hug him. It had been so very long. Two full days! But grandpa broke my heart. He broke my heart instead. He shoved me away.
And
As for what happened next? I.M. Meen zapped me in the mouth next. It tasted like chocolate, but it
I sighed.
At least
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