IFindIt: The Cursed Search Engine: Difference between revisions
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{{Note credit|This is a fictional joke story written by DaveTheUseless. The search engine doesn't actually exist.}}
Has anyone ever heard of IFindIt? I have, and in fact it made me wish that I didn't find it. It is an oldschool search engine, kind of like Yahoo!, Google, and Lycos, that was up until very recently not taken
One day, I taught my students about IFindIt and told them all about its parent company, EasyNett, which was stationed in a busy section of NYC. We tried calling the help desk number, but it was out of service, and probably had been for a very, very long time. Regardless, being the modern pranksters we were we filled out the feedback form toward the top of the page, which I filled out with some random gibberish.
"Hello, my name is Seymour Butts and I like to sniff my own butt. I tried searching your engine for butts and the search engine crashed on me. What sort of diddlypoo are you trying to sell here? Also, I drink lots and lots of prune juice because I am constipated. Send me prune juice or I'll die." My community college computer literacy students let out an uproarious laughter while a smirk sported my slightly overweight but still masculine middle-aged face. I clicked the 'Submit' button below and the form, and
Totally astonished that the thing actually sent. What? No, that couldn't be. It must have been a mistake by the server: sending a confirmation message when nothing actually happened. I gave them my actual e-mail and phone number, too. I guess there was part of me that thought I could be making contact with the paranormal. What if Mr. IFindIt died in a tragic boating accident while out on his yacht in Cancun, and his ghost continues to haunt the EasyNett corporation to this very day? I
Right?
Later that night I cooked up a giant bowl of chili and cracked open an ice cold Mountain Dew. I thought a bit about the past. I used to have websites on GeoCites about Super Nintendo games, back when new stuff was still being released for that system. Tripod,
After several bowls of steaming hot chili and four or five 12 oz cans of mountain dew, I fell asleep and had horrible sugar dreams. In them, EasyNett had taken over my house and turned it into a retro PC video game sales shop. Copies of King's Quest, Leisure Suit Larry, Police Quest, Space Quest, Hugo's House of Horrors, Torin's Passage, Woodruff and the Schnibble, and many others were being sold off for pennies while all of the customers were laughing about me. "Look at what that loser grew up to be.", a 36-year-old blonde-haired woman with a southern accent chimed in. "He had all the talent in the world, and he ended up being a milkman." What the hell? Milkmen didn't exist in the modern era! I tried to lucid dream my way out of the situation or wake up, but instead, a fat Caucasian man with a handlebar mustache who must have been at least well into his 50s chimed in. "I'm still waiting for him to pay his back rent. And that was over 30 years ago!". I didn't recognize this alleged landlord, but I acknowledged even in my sleep that his accusation wasn't wrong.
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I popped open another can of mountain dew and took a seat at the table. I couldn't help but think that maybe the people in that nightmare were trying to tell me something. I had always believed in that dreaming had some sort of mystical value, but I didn't quite understand what. I scratched my balls and got up and looked into my old gaming closet.
I shat my pants when I saw a two-liter bottle of prune juice with a note attached to it. Trembling in horror that somebody had broken into my house and still might be there, I could only imagine if this present was a well wish or not. I picked up the postcard. 'Good morning, San Francisco.' That
"Hello, Seymour. Or should we say, Roderick?" That was my real name.
In the meanwhile, there probably isn't anything inherently wrong with searching for butts, but there are no plans for IFindIt to modernize its algorithm at this point in time. Please enjoy this complimentary bottle of grape juice for your troubles. Sincerely, EasyNett Human Resources."
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He had no eyes. He had no mouth. He had no nose.
And his hand was
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