Jack Apple and the Stalk: Difference between revisions

I’m Jack and I’m going to tell you the true reality about how I got rich. Everything was in color and my mother was a crack addict and she wanted me to sell our donkey for some crack or money from her local dealer down at the Hooders club alley. I told her that I didn't feel the need to do it and she slapped me with her big saggy titties and sent me flying to the kitchen. She got mad when “I”"I” broke a few dishes and sent me on my way.

I looked down and his words had truth to them and we were being lifted up into the heavens. I cringed when I looked at my Willy and thought, “How"How can I have the bitches now.” Soon as I thought of that we shot into a sky like a skydiver, but we were going up and we felt the find quickly smack out faces. The nature from my dick started to grow and grow, lifting us to the top of the clouds. I started to yell and curse my brother and told him he would pay for this and for the magic beans.

I quickly thought of all the crack and things we could have from the eggs and that’s when I knew I had to do something. I looked behind me and told my brother to look at the giants and he did. When we looked back we saw that one of the giants at the end of the table pulled his pants down and from out view we saw a large cock flopping down and up when the giant looked at Paula and back at the other giant beside him. My brother started to back away, but that’s when he knocked into a hollow glass round container and started to roll out from the couch. I quickly fried to stop it by going in front of it and push it back, but something caught my attention. The bottle labeled “Gigantic"Gigantic potion! Able to make you and your lover(s) become giant sized. Property of the Fairy God Mother”.

Beside Paula were two green giants and I saw the one beside me started to ho ho ho like Santa would, and in the background there was an echo of some people saying “Green"Green Giant.” The other smelled like onions and antenna ears and thankfully his pants were back on. I knew who they were, they were Shrek and the Jolly Green Giant from the green bean can and Paula was their bitch. I knew they were about to eat me, but I told them that I would make a deal with them if they would place us on the dining room table.

Moments later they did and we were right next to another bottle, but this one had a brown mustache and bears painted on it and the liquid inside glowed a peeish yellow. I looked up at the label and saw in bold swag writing “Chuck"Chuck Me Up”. I quickly faced back at the giants and my brother was just staring at them as their eyes examined every tiny inch of his body. I saw at the corner of my eye was the large snail, but the snail had little smaller snails next to it popping out small eyes from their shells and I knew at that moment what to do.

I went to my knees and pleaded with the giants to take my brother and spare me and my brother looked back at me and started to cry like the little bitch he was. The giants huddled together and they quickly turned back at us and Shrek started to speak saying “It’s"It’s all ogre for your brother now.” They agreed to my terms and I saw the jolly green giant pick up my brother, but I wasn’t done yet. I quickly pushed the bottle behind me over when they weren't looking and I was relieved that is was open. I did a Bear Grills and drank that piss water like a boss and some different type of feeling kicked in. The bottle rolled off the table and the giants looked back at me and I went to my knees again holding onto my stomach. I looked down and saw some brown hairs coming out of my skin on my face. And I soon started to slowly turn into Chuck Norris and felt the whole world bow before me, even my clothes changed into something more appropriate for the moment. I quickly took one of the snails and the other giants tried to stop me, but I was too quick for them.

I woke up and I felt my pants wet from the adventure and saw my mother and brother beside me while patting on my forehead with a wet cold washcloth. I heard voices of comfort beside me from my window and saw three people. One was fat and had a fat white haired woman in his arm while next to her there was a fit skinny man holding a can of green beans.” I was all just a dream”, I thought to myself and that everything was in black and white again and I was back in Kansas with my pet dog sleeping at my side. But that’s when I felt it…Eyes staring at me from the distance. I looked at my dresser and saw a large snail looking at me…And that is how I became rich when I met the snail I named Gary and that he did actually lay golden eggs and we lived happily ever after…I had to tell the press a different story that you may know about “Jack"Jack and the Beanstalk” the old classic tail.