King Koopa's Kool Kartoons: Difference between revisions
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This probably doesn't surprise you, but the show didn't last very long. Not just because it was bad (which it was) but because of what happened in the final episode. The second King Koopa—the first one had previously quit due to an unspecified illness—he actually threatened a child on the program. I'm not kidding you. King Koopa literally threatened the life of a child, and it was enough to get the show cancelled! He read the kid's letter, which called him a bad guy in desperate need of liposuction and rhinoplasty. He responded with his trademark gravely voice, but this time he seemed legitimately angry. Like, it wasn't even the actor anymore, but as if it was the actual King Koopa.. or perhaps it was the actual actor's legitimate anger. So what happened? In that episode he yelled at the kid and said "I know where you live". It was uncharacteristic of King Koopa... His angry jokes usually involved, like, popping balloons or badmouthing the Mario Brothers who he claimed to be ever so happy to no longer have to deal with. But the gimmick was supposed to be that he was actually a nice guy underneath it all. I mean, ask Nintendo themselves: they revealed recently that the real reason he kidnaps the princess all the time is because he's lonely, and he has a crush on her. Kinda makes sense, given he never did anything with her, or showed an active interest in acquiring political power to rule over the Mushroom Kingdom. He was kind of a weird guy, but he was just lonely.
Me, uh, years passed by and I forgot that the show ever even existed. I was freshening up and preparing for a date before I decided to go get the mail before I headed off to Mickey D's. Bills, bills, bills... Fast food coupons... Free trip to Tahiti... The usual. But that
I assumed it was from my mom, 'cause she orders all sorts of junk off of eBay. But it had my name on it. Funny. I didn't remember ordering anything, especially nothing shaped like an elongated brick. If it was an advert for some university, O.K., but no. I rushed back inside, got out my scissors, cut open the
A VHS tape. No sticker on it, no title. Nothing in sharpie or anything like that. I don't know why, but I sniffed it. Smelled like cheap early 1990s plastic to me. I didn't consider it would be blank, not even for a moment, because there's absolutely no reason why someone would mail anyone a blank VHS tape. I ran downstairs into the basement and found a musty ol' VCR that I hadn't used since my 12<sup>th</sup> birthday party. 12<sup>th</sup> birthday
When I pressed play, I expected static and maybe a home video. Perhaps my granddad found some embarrassing moment from years ago and figured I'd get a kick out of it now. But
Oh, the realistic lizard mask, standing outside with a choir of children wearing Koopa Troopa hats. Oh my god, it was King Koopa's Kool Kartoons! The memories came flooding back to me like a tidal wave, or one of those horrifying tsunamis that you read about in the news. I expected King Koopa, or whoever actually played him, to do his usual rap and dance through the street, passing by the security guard who signaled for him to stop and ripping off his fake mustache, popping that balloon in-studio on his way to hosting the
You know, that mask wasn't quite the way I remembered it. His eyes
The kids all looked sad, but that wasn't even the worst part. As the camera panned over them, they
I waited for someone, anyone, to say anything. A nearly bald boy and a girl with long but thinning hair sat on a step in front of the usual building in a disturbing silence. I considered turning the tape off, until I got up and looked a little closer,
I gotta tell ya, King Koopa was holding a knife. A double-bladed knife. There was no handle.
Finally, a voice. It was King Koopa's. "Cage." One word. Cage. It sounded
And walked right into a man-sized cage.
There were holes in the eyes of King Koopa's mask, right in the center where the irises should be.
"You'll be safe in there. I love
The door slammed shut. It looked so rusty—like touching it could give you tetanus. I felt like vomiting. There were no sound effects either, though what sounded like a strong wind could be heard. King Koopa turned around, back through the alleyway, and inside the building. Once inside,
"What's done is done.", King Koopa said, in a rather ordinary adult male voice. "Do as you must." King Koopa took off his
King Koopa, or, rather, this old man, came out the way he came in and, instead of dancing down the sidewalk the way he did in the actual television program, he walked slowly. Without his uniform. With a sad, sad look on his face. "I'm Koopa, Koopa. I'm Koopa, Koopa. I'm Koopa, Koopa...", he repeated to himself over and over and over again. It was like he had to convince himself of who he even was. That he was a fictional television character? Ok, sure. We knew.
The security guard character didn't even hold out his hand to stop him like he did in the normal show intro. "Did the deed, Frank?", the officer asked. "Deed is done. Do as you must." Do as you must? Again? Was this some kind of code word? He lifted his frail, elderly hand and grabbed the officer's, shaking it up and then, then left to right, then right to left, and then
King Koopa walked into the studio. No one was inside. He got up on the stage and sat on it. He waved one leg around coyly this time That was the first sign of anything playful there had been all episode. "It's time for cartoons.", he stated to himself—or, so I thought, as an intercom-looking device rose out of center stage, with robotic assembling noises playing the while. This
"Nintendo Power.".
A loud boom. An explosion? Oh my god. The
A camera gave us a pan of the city. Everything was in ruins. Corpses. Burnt corpses. It was as if people had
I got up and grabbed the remote. I was going to rewind it, and watch it with Rebecca. She needed to know. I had no idea where this tape even came from, but she needed to know. I was going to do it. I was ready. I was going to rewind, but
The kids. The children from earlier. In the cage. They
Oh god. No way. Nintendo? Super Mario?
I threw up again. On my pants again. I didn't have much time to change, so I grabbed a napkin and wiped the vomit chunks from the sides of my mouth and washed my chin a little. Rebecca would be there any moment. We'd finally solve the
I grabbed it. I stared. Eye color: Green, Hair: Red... I didn't need my glasses, but I did need my vocal
First name? Rebecca.
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