Lost 70s to 2000s commercials: Difference between revisions
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I found one of those commercial compilations that I could sit back and relax to. It was titled "NEW 70S TO 2000s COMMERCIAL 2019 COMPILATION (NEVER BEFORE SEEN ON YOUTUBE)" so I was really excited. So excited that my fanny pack started to rise, I soon realized I just got an erection under my fanny pack. So I grabbed a Lunchable and a Pepsi Vanilla and hit "Play" on the video. Oh, do I regret that decision. Oh God do I. The first of many odd things to ensue is that it immediately went into fullscreen like something hijacked my laptop the moment I hit play and put the video on fullscreen. The first commercial was pretty normal. It was a commercial on Jimmy Dean sausage starring good ol' Jimmy dean, you know, TIGHT PAR OF PANTS READY TO RIP.
He started off with normal dialogue. "Sausages a great choice to get your day started." Then he pulled out a syringe and gave himself a shot. Drugs? Jimmy dean took a drug shot on camera during a commercial?! "It's insulin dummy. My tight par of pants is ready to rip." HE SWORE IN A TELEVISED ADVERTISEMENT FOR SAUSAGE? "Insulin's an even better way to get your day started." He moved his mouth around. It then faded to Jimmy laying on a bed in a dimly lit room, covered head to toe in insulin needles. "Oh, don't mind me," he chuckled. "Just doing some acupuncture." The camera zoomed out to show a human-sized pack of Jimmy dean sausage placing the needles in Jimmy's skin. It wasn't a costume, it looked too damn real to be that. This commercial's been going on for too damn long. It then faded to Jimmy and the pack of Jimmy dean sausage eating breakfast the next day. The sausage pack got a package in the mail. The mailman comedically throwing the package at the sausages "head" as he fell backwards with the force. Bringing the package in, I noticed the package said "From Jimmy dean coworkers" on the label. The Sausage pack opened the package only to find a note inside that says "YOUR TIGHT PAR OF PANTS IS READY TO RIP" in thick,
The pack of sausage let out a deafeningly loud scream. So loud that turning the volume down to 1% was still too loud. He screamed and screamed away as Jimmy just sat there wiggling his mouth. The Sausage pack got out a .357 magnum revolver, and shot himself. Jimmy was just sitting there eating his sausage. Ultra realistic sausage poured from the sausage pack's fresh wound as he slumped to the ground cold, unmoving, dead. Jimmy took out a ladle, bight some of the sausage pack's innards, plopping them into his plate before throwing in some cinnamon and blueberrie pancake, and began to eat them. The camera zoomed tightly into Jimmy's face as he winked at the camera, wiggling his mouth around as the commercial faded to black. I decided I have had enough and went to get out of the video, but my laptop wouldn't let me. It was frozen while the video was still playing. I couldn't even bring up the slider bar to see how much time was left. So I was just forced to sit and watch.
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I was playing Games for my C64 when I heard a knock on my door. I looked through the peephole to see who it was, and to my surprise, there was Jared The subway guy, Jay gilstrap, and Jimmy dean at my door, playing Rock, Paper, Scissors as they waited for me to answer. I immediately thought of the compilation I saw the week prior. Trying to convince them that no one was home, I decided to sneak out through the back door. While making comedic tiptoes to my back door, I heard a deafeningly loud noise coming from the other side of the house. Apparently, Jared and Gilstrap used Jimmy as a battering ram to bust through my front door. I immediately gave up sneaking and bolted to my back door. Jared caught up to me however, with the supermario speed his shoes he wears gives him, that he seemingly recently painted to look like Super Mario's sneakers. "What's the rush, Gerald?" Jared spoke with a gay lisp. I wasn't necessarily surprised he knew my name, since I now believed anything can happen, having three notable people show up at my door. Jay Gilstrap walked slowly towards me, holding a can and an bottle, smiling big and large. I shouted "JAY, YOU DON'T WANNA DO THIS, YOU'RE IN ENOUGH LEGAL TROUBLE AS IT IS!" Jay became enraged and threw a comically large pill at my face, into my mouth and down my throat. I immediately passed out.
I woke up sometime later, strapped to my desk chair, wrists slit, body covered in insulin needles, and a Sub made of grownup's organs staring me in the face with Jared holding it, with a hideous, crap-eating grin on his face. Jay gillstrap and Jimmy dean were having small talk across the room over a couple of blood
And then I closed my laptop and went to bed.
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