Lost 90s Commercials: Difference between revisions
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After passing my 34th kidney stone this month, I went to go check YouTube on my classic Lenovo Thinkpad that I rigged to be able to browse the inferior "modern" World Wide Web. I was in the mood for some nostalgic 90s commercials to cure my chronic depression and take my mind off of my perpetual existential crisis.
I found one of those commercial compilations that I could sit back and relax to. It was titled
The first of many odd things to ensue is that it immediately went into fullscreen like something hijacked my laptop the moment I hit play and put the video on fullscreen. The first commercial was pretty normal. It was a commercial on Quaker Oats starring good
He started off with normal dialogue.
It then faded to Wilford and the can of Quaker Oats eating breakfast the next day. The oat can got a package in the mail. The mailman comedically throwing the package at the
The can of oats let out a deafeningly loud scream. So loud that turning the volume down to 1% was still too loud. He screamed and screamed away as Wilford just sat there wiggling his mustache. The Quaker can got out a .357 magnum revolver, and shot himself. Wilford was just sitting there eating his bowl of oatmeal. Ultra realistic oatmeal poured from the oat
I decided I have had enough and went to get out of the video, but my laptop
The next commercial was about Jell-O, starring Bill Cosby.
The last commercial was probably the worst of them all. It was a
It then cuts to a nearby table where a man is munching down on some french fries, but upon further inspection, he was about to eat a box of severed human fingers! I was genuinely disgusted. The unsuspecting man bit into a finger, quickly reeling back and spitting it out.
Ronald then caught several children in the playplace, kicking each other through the tunnels, throwing used diapers and spitting at each other in the ballpit. Ronald took a bite out of a Big Mac, supposedly his power source, before saying under his breath, in G major,
And with that, the compilation was over. The video stopped, and I started to smell something funny after I heard what sounded like something hitting the fan of my laptop. I lifted it up off my desk, and there lay a big fucking turd where my laptop was. My fucking laptop just took a huge shit. Well
I was flipping out before I realized the battery had just popped out. I put it back in and powered it on. It had upgraded itself to Windows 10. I
As for myself,
I was playing Resident Evil 4 on my PS2 when I heard a knock on my door. I looked through the peephole to see who it was, and to my surprise, there was Ronald McDonald, Bill Cosby, and Wilford Brimley at my door, playing Rock, Paper, Scissors as they waited for me to answer. I immediately thought of the compilation I saw the week prior. Trying to convince them that no one was home, I decided to sneak out through the back door. While making comedic tiptoes to my back door, I heard a deafeningly loud noise coming from the other side of the house. Apparently, Ronald and Cosby used Wiford as a battering ram to bust through my front door. I immediately gave up sneaking and bolted to my back door. Ronald caught up to me however, with the supersonic speed his clown shoes he wears gives him, that he seemingly recently painted to look like Sonic the
I woke up sometime later, strapped to my desk chair, wrists slit, body covered in insulin needles, and a Big Mac made of
As I sat there, gasping for air, I started to see my vision going dark. Wilford was cackling something absolutely diabolical as things continued going dark. The last thing I saw before passing on, was
And then I closed my laptop and went to bed.
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[[Category:Satire]]
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[[Category:YT Readings]]
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