Lost 90s Commercials: Difference between revisions
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After passing my 34th kidney stone this month, I went to go check YouTube on my classic Lenovo Thinkpad that I rigged to be able to browse the inferior "modern" World Wide Web. I was in the mood for some nostalgic 90s commercials to cure my chronic depression and take my mind off of my perpetual existential crisis.
I found one of those commercial compilations that I could sit back and relax to. It was titled "NEW 90S COMMERCIAL 2017 COMPILATION (NEVER BEFORE SEEN ON YOUTUBE)
The first of many odd things to ensue is that it immediately went into fullscreen like something hijacked my laptop the moment I hit play and put the video on fullscreen. The first commercial was pretty normal. It was a commercial on Quaker Oats starring good ol’ Wilford Brimley, you know, DIABEETUS.
He started off with normal dialogue. "Oatmeal’s a great choice to get your day started.
It then faded to Wilford and the can of Quaker Oats eating breakfast the next day. The oat can got a package in the mail. The mailman comedically throwing the package at the can’s "
The can of oats let out a deafeningly loud scream. So loud that turning the volume down to 1% was still too loud. He screamed and screamed away as Wilford just sat there wiggling his mustache. The Quaker can got out a .357 magnum revolver, and shot himself. Wilford was just sitting there eating his bowl of oatmeal. Ultra realistic oatmeal poured from the oat can’s fresh wound as he slumped to the ground cold, unmoving, dead. Wilford took out a ladle, scooping up some of the oat can’s innards, plopping them into his bowl before throwing in some brown sugar and blueberries, and began to eat them. The camera zoomed tightly into Wilford’s face as he winked at the camera, wiggling his mustache around as the commercial faded to black.
I decided I have had enough and went to get out of the video, but my laptop wouldn’t let me. It was frozen while the video was still playing. I couldn’t even bring up the slider bar to see how much time was left. So I was just forced to sit and watch. The next commercial was on a movie that was coming out by Walt Disney Pictures by the name of Kelios. It was just a shot of a beautiful green field for 20 seconds before the words "Walt Disney Pictures presents:
The next commercial was about Jell-O, starring Bill Cosby. "INTRODUCIN’ JELL-O BLOOD POPS!
The last commercial was probably the worst of them all. It was a McDonald’s commercial. It started off with Ronald McDonald in a dark room eating a Big Mac. "There once was a man from Nantucket, whose dick was so long he could suck it. He walked down the street, swinging his meat, carrying his balls in a bucket.
It then cuts to a nearby table where a man is munching down on some french fries, but upon further inspection, he was about to eat a box of severed human fingers! I was genuinely disgusted. The unsuspecting man bit into a finger, quickly reeling back and spitting it out. "What the hell is this?
Ronald then caught several children in the playplace, kicking each other through the tunnels, throwing used diapers and spitting at each other in the ballpit. Ronald took a bite out of a Big Mac, supposedly his power source, before saying under his breath, in G major, "fucking little shits.
And with that, the compilation was over. The video stopped, and I started to smell something funny after I heard what sounded like something hitting the fan of my laptop. I lifted it up off my desk, and there lay a big fucking turd where my laptop was. My fucking laptop just took a huge shit. Well that’s just fucking great. I got the mess cleaned up, and went back to my laptop. It was oddly off, and refused to turn back on.
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I was playing Resident Evil 4 on my PS2 when I heard a knock on my door. I looked through the peephole to see who it was, and to my surprise, there was Ronald McDonald, Bill Cosby, and Wilford Brimley at my door, playing Rock, Paper, Scissors as they waited for me to answer. I immediately thought of the compilation I saw the week prior. Trying to convince them that no one was home, I decided to sneak out through the back door. While making comedic tiptoes to my back door, I heard a deafeningly loud noise coming from the other side of the house. Apparently, Ronald and Cosby used Wiford as a battering ram to bust through my front door. I immediately gave up sneaking and bolted to my back door. Ronald caught up to me however, with the supersonic speed his clown shoes he wears gives him, that he seemingly recently painted to look like Sonic the Hedgehog’s sneakers.
"What’s the rush, Gerald?
I woke up sometime later, strapped to my desk chair, wrists slit, body covered in insulin needles, and a Big Mac made of children’s organs staring me in the face with Ronald holding it, with a hideous, shit-eating grin on his face. Bill Cosby and Wilford Brimley were having small talk across the room over a couple of blood pops… made from my own blood. Ronald said ‘Open wide you disgusting 90s sack of shit.
As I sat there, gasping for air, I started to see my vision going dark. Wilford was cackling something absolutely diabolical as things continued going dark. The last thing I saw before passing on, was Wilford’s big moustache, wiggling and wiggling away as he watched me suffer and perish at his hands. Then a picture slide appeared saying "In loving memory of Gerald Stevan: 1992 -
And then I closed my laptop and went to bed.
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