Lost 90s Commercials: Difference between revisions
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He started off with normal dialogue. "Oatmeal's a great choice to get your day started." Then he pulled out a syringe and gave himself a shot. Drugs? Wilford Brimley took a drug shot on camera during a commercial?! "It's insulin dumbass. I have diabeetus." HE SWORE IN A TELEVISED ADVERTISEMENT FOR OATMEAL? "Insulin's an even better way to get your day started." He moved his mustache around. It then faded to Wilford laying on a bed in a dimly lit room, covered head to toe in insulin needles. "Oh, don't mind me," he chuckled. "Just doing some acupuncture." The camera zoomed out to show a human-sized can of Quaker Oats placing the needles in Wilford's skin. It wasn't a costume, it looked too damn real to be that. This commercial's been going on for too damn long.
It then faded to Wilford and the can of Quaker Oats eating breakfast the next day. The oat can got a package in the mail. The mailman comedically throwing the package at the can's "head" as he fell backwards with the force. Bringing the package in, I noticed the package said "Liberty Medical" on the label. The Quaker can opened the package only to find a note inside that says "YOU HAVE DIABETES" in thick,
The can of oats let out a deafeningly loud scream. So loud that turning the volume down to 1% was still too loud. He screamed and screamed away as Wilford just sat there wiggling his mustache. The Quaker can got out a .357 magnum revolver, and shot himself. Wilford was just sitting there eating his bowl of oatmeal. Ultra realistic oatmeal poured from the oat can's fresh wound as he slumped to the ground cold, unmoving, dead. Wilford took out a ladle, scooping up some of the oat can's innards, plopping them into his bowl before throwing in some brown sugar and blueberries, and began to eat them. The camera zoomed tightly into Wilford's face as he winked at the camera, wiggling his mustache around as the commercial faded to black.
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"What's the rush, Gerald?" Ronald spoke with a gay lisp. I wasn't necessarily surprised he knew my name, since I now believed anything can happen, having three notable people show up at my door. Bill Cosby walked slowly towards me, holding a dagger and an ice tray, smiling big and large. I shouted "BILL, YOU DON'T WANNA DO THIS, YOU'RE IN ENOUGH LEGAL TROUBLE AS IT IS!" Bill became enraged and threw a comically large pill at my face, into my mouth and down my throat. I immediately passed out.
I woke up sometime later, strapped to my desk chair, wrists slit, body covered in insulin needles, and a Big Mac made of children's organs staring me in the face with Ronald holding it, with a hideous, shit-eating grin on his face. Bill Cosby and Wilford Brimley were having small talk across the room over a couple of blood
As I sat there, gasping for air, I started to see my vision going dark. Wilford was cackling something absolutely diabolical as things continued going dark. The last thing I saw before passing on, was Wilford's big moustache, wiggling and wiggling away as he watched me suffer and perish at his hands. Then a picture slide appeared saying "In loving memory of Gerald Stevan: 1992 - 2017" and displaying my tombstone, with Ronald McDonald pissing on it. The music was the most gut-wrenchingly somber thing I had ever heard. Then everything completely faded to black.
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