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But everything changed in the Summer of 2015. I was only thirteen years old. SkyDoesMinecraft was my idol. Minecraft was getting pretty shit. But I was too much of a hipster to care. It was that fateful day when the zombie apocalypse occurred. Nobody saw it coming.
 
Now, twenty years later at the age of thirty three, with my parents dead, I will tell you how this dreaded event occurred. It all started when Notch sold Minecraft to Microsoft, and Microsoft being the power hungry corporate whores they are decided to uze de gaem for the evilz! "WHAT A TWIST!”" as M Night Shyamalan would probably say. But it doesn’t matter because he’s dead now.
 
On January 18<sup>th</sup> 2015 I was watching anime on some shitty site that I will not name here. The anime was called Junjou Romantica. It Is The Best Anime EvArZzZz! (Even for a male like me). It was half way through one episode where Usame was banging Misaki when I decided "Fuck this, I’m getting bored!”" and cloed mai browser. Teh browser I uz iz Torch it iz teh beast browser EVAAAAAAAARZ! My mother heard me and shouted:
 
"Bonsai, Buddy don’t use language like that you prick!”" Yes, my name is Bonsai. Dill wit it. My mum always called me ‘Buddy’ after saying my first name. Although I never knew why. Probably a reference to some shitty software that everyone used back in nineteen-nighty whatever.  Yes I am from UK. DON’T FOOKIN’ ASK M8!
 
My dad walked into his office. (I don’t know what any of this has to do with the events of the story, but I’ll tell you it all anyway, it develops characters that are never going to appear again in the story, EVER.) He walked into his office and opened up his Windows 98 with Internet Explorer laptop. I still had no idea why he didn’t upgrade. Well, not yet anyway.
 
"WHO THE FUCK DREW THIS PHALLUS?!”" I heard a loud cry came from his room. Oh shit, I had been found out.
 
I immediately called social services, and Sebastian Michaelis answered the phone.
 
"Yes my lord, I shall be there straight away.”"
 
What the fuck?
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bonzaiboodi command and ended up right in front of me just as my dad was about to beat me, and massacred my father.
 
"As I’d say, a job well done. See you later M’lord.”" He then tp’d back to Ciel, and left me be. Thank god that man was dead, I’d always hated him. My mum came down the stairs and screamed. She called the police, and I got sent to the young offenders institution for about two months. The guy in the cell next to me got caught selling weed, and was serving a life sentence. Which I personally think is very fair considering that shizz be bad!
 
I was let out, and my mum let me live at home again, which I didn’t find strange at all.
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The server icon was a bludd red heroine with his whit eyze showin’ like bright stars 4 al to c. The message on the server was:
 
"DaEtOn LiKeS CoK.”"
 
So, who was this mysterious ‘Daeton’? How I wish I was never to find out.
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TwilightFan offered me some MTN DEW and som doritios, but I kindly replied:
 
"no cause ur an fagit.”"
 
It was then that I realised something. If MTN DERW was in teh gaem den hoe deid Microshizzle get copyright? This was sorcery, and it almost made me shit myself.
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Then, Madara apperd in front of us but then, the plot thickend!
 
"All part of my plan!”" a booming voice was heared! But it wasn’t from Madara. What the actual fuck was going on?
 
A figure started to appear next to Madara.
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As soon as I thought about that horrifying memory, Bill GAYtes said something that shook me to my core.
 
"Ur nan was 360 qwick scopd!”" Everything was starting to come together now, the reason why Shrek assaulted me in my own home at the old age of 9, why my dad hadn’t stopped him when he had the chance, why Sebastian Michealis answered when I called social services. It was because:
 
My
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Then, the world closed.
 
"Well that was anticlimactic as fuck I said”said" "as I eye shoot ov da gaem an wenet to bead.
 
I had a strange dream that night, a Really strange dream. And that’s really with a capital R.
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‘GET THE FOOK BAK 2 SKEWL’ I ran out the door and realised that that that had all been an elaborate illusion. Did Aizen use his bankai on me? I went to school, and we had a new student. His name was Bill Cipher. He sat next to me, he wore a pirate eyepatch, and to be honest, he waz probz ghey, in fact that was confirmed in our confrontation of fate at break tiem.
 
"Watch the video…”video…" He whispered to me, his warm breath, a nice difference to the cold air giving me the wierdist boner. Yup, he was DEFINITELY gay. It TOTALLY was not me who was gay, TOTALLY NOT.
 
When I got home, I noticed a page was opened. It was the video from my dream.
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"I am a figment of teenage girl who had just seen Justin Bieber. Then Herobrine spoke.
 
"I am a figment of your imagination, Bill Ciates drugged your tea. You must save Minecraft and mah bae Steev”Steev" I just KNEW those two had a thing, KNEW. It was then that I felt a twinge of pride at the fanfiction I had writer aboot Herobrine x Steve. It was also at that moment, I realised my true purpose, it was to save the world of some online game everyone will forget about in a few years time. But I just HAD to do  it, for Herobrine, for SkyDoesMinecraft, for Steev, for PoopLooser69, for Gaylord_Steambath. For EVERYONE. Just like in dat song from Belch wer Ichigo Kurosaki gets called a ‘queen’ I felt like the brightest star for all to see.
 
I woke up, I was no longer in my house, I was outside a craply build green pyramid.
 
"Illuminati Confirmed!”" I shouted out. Oh God how I wish I hadn’t.
 
[[File:Screenshottotallynotfotoshopped.png|thumb|272x272px|Thiz waz teh screen shawt, yez I took 1. I have no idea hoe my cumpooter savd eet. Eet stil givs me nitmares.]]
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Bill Gates and Madara appeared in front of me.
 
"Bill y r u suc a bae?”"
 
"Goddamn it Maddy, lrn 2 spel!”"
 
Did they not realise they were talking about their personal matters in front of someone?
 
"I’v ben chaeting own u anee wai, did u rly nought tink dat eye wud? I own de fooking Akatsuke biotch. Mangaykyu Shayryngan!”" Bill dropped to the floor, his mind not being able to handle the force of the Mangekyõ Sharingan. His head exploded. I started to laugh, I was so happy.
 
"Ur smexy so your will stay aliev. Say hero 2 mai new bf.”" Someone floated in.
 
It was Akihiko Swaggy Usame. I knew that mother fucker had some role in the grand scheme of things. Oh, and by the way, Bill was still having a seizure at this point, just fort I shud let u kno. K den now bak 2 plat.
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[[File:DDD.png|thumb|258x258px|Akihiko Swaggy Usame]]
 
"But weren’t you going out with…?!!?!?!?!??!!?!?”" I exclaimed.
 
"I only did that so I could win my fucking Oscar.”" I knew he was telling the truth, even doh anime characters don’t get Oscars so wut deh  fook?
 
Then all of a sudden the smell of weed could be smelt in the air. I was starting to remember that song, the song that made me so hard.
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Snoop Dogg appeared.
 
"OMFG Schnoop! Iz da weedz on da sho realz?”" Madara asked. My eyes met snoops, my eyes seemed to zoom in on his face as saddening yet epic music played. About 10 seconds later, he simply explained:
 
‘No!’ and laughed so hard.
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As I write this, I am near death dew to lack of sweg. This is the last time I will ever be alive. Evar.
 
I’m dying now, I feel a warmth moving towards me, it’s Shrek, I’m so, so.very.happy…”happy…"
 
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